I think, retrospectively;

That it was not losing all my friends that hurt so damned bad.... it was finding out they weren't my friends that hurt so damned bad.

Sometimes it still hurts so bad I want to curl fetal.

Jeff

I hear you.

Yes, but did we ever expect them to treat us differently to anybody else who leaves? It is the rules of the game....It goes something like " Your best friend is Jehovah, so if he is no longer a friend of Jehovah, then he is no friend of mine"

Hell, if you even move to a new congregation, the old one soon forgets you. I am just "inactive" but they seem to get the point that I no longer believe. Nobody wants to talk with me , they seem afraid.

Truth is I can (sadly) remember doing it to others in the past. Such is life within The Borg..........

 Nobody wants to talk with me , they seem afraid.

Well, maybe if you take off the hat and sunglasses..................................

Judge Dread 

Another thing is that they blame us for terminating the friendship.  As BB pointed out, once they figured out we no longer believe, they cast us aside, yet in their minds, we're the one who broke the friendship.

At times, I feel like I could've tried harder to keep some friendships going, but deep down I knew that it was a waste of time and effort.  It was better to let it die a quick death than prolong the agony.

The harder part still was that even my still-believing wife made comments (still does at times) about not having the friends and parties get-togethers we used to.  The blame lies solely on my shoulders in her mind, since I'm the one who became inactive.

I have allowed many JW friendships to fizzle out knowing that it would help ease the pain in the future.

I remember also this conundrum:  One possible solution, that doesn't always work, is to pick JW friends who are SUPER strong "spiritually".  The odds are better that they won't leave.  Two problems with that solution.  1.  In general, the more "spiritual", the less I liked them.  2.  Plenty of "rock solid" JWs leave anyway.

The other solution:  Make friends you actually like in the JWs.  I think the odds of them getting DFed are probably a little bit higher, but I have no statistics to back that up.  Just over 4 decades of personal experience in the rot.

Strength to you Jeff. 

om

Look at it this way - it will just make your new friends (here, at work, other "worldly" decent activities) seem even more like the real thing.

Another thing is that they blame us for terminating the friendship.

Good point Undercover,

This is so true, and it never ceases to amaze me.  My best JW friend's husband came to me shortly after my fade became really apparent, and said, "XXX is upset because she feels you left her".

I didn't "leave her", I just stopped going to the meetings...  she terminated the relationship, besides shouldn't it have been that "I left Jehovah" ?

I'm sorry you are hurting AK... it's all so unfair. 

Cas

I'm sorry you are hurting AK... it's all so unfair. 

Cas

Not hurting so much as thinking out loud. Though at times - like the middle of the night - it does hurt. One needs to make the transition to understanding that those friendships were never real to move on - I think many [including me] had believed that people would not be so cruel when it came to 'our friendship'.

I have found friendships that are important to me since leaving - and they are better and real. Still, when one thinks of the volume of effort and time that had gone into ones past....

Yes, UC, point well made. And Casper, that is the catch phrase isn't it? "You left Jehovah"... what a cop out to avoid dealing with real issues.

Jeff

...it was not losing all my friends that hurt so damned bad.... it was finding out they weren't my friends that hurt so damned bad.

Ouch... and touche'.  Somedays I am more furious at the Watchtower than I'd like to be.

Love to you.
Baba.

I am a little saddened that we no longer see the children of friends growing up etc, but I never have made really close friends amongst the Dubs.

I always felt a kind of dis-connect, I felt more comfortable with "worldly" people, still do.

I always got on with everybody, had a laugh, but I never got close.

My Wife blames me for our being quite cut-off now, and she used to complain when we were in that I was not over-friendly, but they were all people that I did not choose as friends.

Wifey is making friends  "outside" now ,she is naturally gregarious, so that is good.

I guess I simply felt their friendship was conditional ,and therefore shallow.

I think it is important to move on and make new friends, even of ex-Dubs if necessary, (tongue in cheek)

Love

Wobble

                                       Jehovah`s Witness`s saying Good-Bye..

                                           To someone who leaves the WBT$..

                                                      .................... ...OUTLAW

I am finding that to be true more and more.

Even as I started my fade, the emails, phone calls, and get-togethers have been few and far between.

The few people I was particularly close with - I can tell they are getting more and more pissed off at me about my "attitude".  (Way to draw me back in, eh??)

I have gotten a few of the "we miss you" emails, a couple of the "dont turn your back on Jehovah" emails,  but the more I see, the more I realize that everything is SO conditional in that organization.

Your friendships are conditional - get spritually "weak" and forget having friends outside of a renegade or two - usually someone else considered "bad association".

Friendships varies by region also.  A witness told me how friendly the congregation was in Arkansas.  They had gatherings all the time and the brothers and sisters always came to help if you were sick.  But on the West Coast, the witnesses are so busy and cold.  Gatherings are few and if one misses the meetings nobody comes to visit or help.

So even within the organization friendships vary among regions or congregations among even fellow witnesses.  If this happens with active witnesses, then the inactive are even treated worse.

So even within the organization friendships vary among regions or congregations among even fellow witnesses. 

It was my experience, but no way conclusive evidence, that the bigger the city or more dense the population, the less social the dubs were among themselves. 

In the small towns and remote areas, the dubs depended on each other more and their only social contact were other dubs, sometimes for years and years with no change in the make-up of the congregation.

In bigger cities, where there were more diversions and things to do, dubs "worshipped" together and would socialize to some degree, but with ever changing members of the congregation coming and going, deep friendships were harder to come by.   They were also off enjoying the activities and culture of what ever city they were in.  Add warm weather and water (FL and So. CA) and it was even more so.

The bigger cities give JWs more anonymity.  They can go out to clubs, movies, etc. and run less risk of being spotted by other dubs.  Try that in a small town and everyone knows by breakfast what you were up to the night before.

Try that in a small town and everyone knows by breakfast what you were up to the night before.

No, sir, they know it before the cock crows thrice.

Sylvia

So true Sylvia !! 

I especially liked how something told in confidence would also be spread, practically before the conversation had even ended.

I think it is totally unfair to converts, like myself, who aren't given all the facts before it's too late.  Only to find out later that if the "lifestyle" wasn't for them, they would be treated like lepers from so called "friends".

I had never been treated that way before in my life !!  Real friends DO NOT treat people that way.  There is no way on earth that shunning me, would ever make me want to associate with that group again.

It just doesn't work that way in my world, people I left behind when I became a witness were there with open arms when I returned, they were understanding and life went on.

Not so with JW's... no, it's all our "Fault".

Cas

I didn't mind missing the people who used to "pretend" to be my friends. So much as my brother he seams angry at me.

Do what I did volunteer for something planting trees, animal protection society ec I found more real friends in two years than I did in sixteen and they don't dump me if I disagree with them.