An Average Apostate Day

I cannot understand why dubs are so terrified of apostates. What's with that,
anyway? We all live mostly modest and normal lives, but dubs don't believe that.
So for all you lurking dubbies out there, I am going to tell what I think and do on
a typical weekend. That way, you will know the truth about apostates and how
normal we are so you won't believe all those lies your religious leaders tell you
about us.

As I wake up each morning, I give a silent prayer of thanks to Satan for having yet
another day of life. I also thank Satan for the Guardian Demon he has assigned to
me to help me out when I need it. I then go into the bathroom to void my bowels and
clean myself with the pages from the latest issue of the Watchtower magazine, being
careful to make sure each page receives the maximum amount of waste material
possible.

It's then off to make a fresh pot of coffee. I'm fond of the Diablo Coffee Maker I
have and which I keep stored on a red pentagram. While I'm waiting for the coffee
to brew, I scan the morning newspaper and am disappointed again today that the
headlines make no mention at all of "peace and security." Maybe tomorrow, I hope.

I have a busy schedule today, just like I do every weekend:

Sit on my garage sale sofa and listen to the words of encouragement it sings to me.

Go outside and kick a couple of dogs.

Hurl some split pea soup at a startled couple on the bus bench. Boy, did THAT feel
good!

Drive to the local Kingdom Hall where they are meeting for field service and smash
a coupla windshields. Then take out some white chalk and draw a body outline on
the parking lot. Toss a few old JW magazines around the body outline. Put a note
in their mailbox, asking them why their Church doesn't have any windows. When some
dubs comes out and see me, drop down my pants and moon them before heading off.

Go back home and write a letter to the local elders telling them there is a group
of people who are meeting next week who want to learn more about the Good News of
the Kingdom Jehovah's Witnesses keep talking about. Give them the address of the
latest Apostofest being held that night. Mail the letter.

Send off my annual donation to the "Judas Iscariot Memorial Foundation."

Mail a note to Mel Gibson, telling him I thought "The Passion of the Christ" was
one of the best comedies I have ever seen.

Visit another apostate friend and play poker with Tarot cards, following that with
a few lively rounds on the Ouija Board. Shoot some heroin and have sex with a
corpse. Mutilate a couple of live chickens and drink their blood. All in good
apostate fun, of course.

Call the U.N. and ask them if they are going to start their World Wide persecution
on Christendom today. Find out from them that no, today that will not happen.
Damn!

Make notes in my personal journal, being very careful to fill its pages with
apostate lies; pay special attention to make sure I am "twisting" my words.

Vacuum my carpet with my trusty Dirt Devil.

Apostates are mostly a bunch of sentimental fools, despite what dubs think. I have
videos of a number of sappy and sentimental love stories which always bring tears
of joy to my eyes; movies like "The Exorcist", "The Omen", "Friday the 13th" and
"Death Wish (I through VI)".

Visit a few garage sales and buy any clothing or furniture which screams at or
talks to me.

Donate a pint of blood with the explicit instruction that my blood is only to be
given to a Jehovah's Witness, preferably an Elder.

Settle down to read a book. I'm almost through with "The Love Sonnets of Dr.
Mengele." It's delightful! Call up the local book store and ask if my copy of
"Human Ethics" by Vlad the Impaler has arrived yet. Doncha just love those
sentimental Romanians?

It is now time for me to have my favorite weekend dinner: blood sausage and sweet
breads.

After a shot or two of morphine and a handful of demeral, I'm ready for a good
night's sleep and a nice hate dream or two.

Just another average day for an average apostate. See? It's not all that bad.

Farkel

totally irreverent - just love it

..Farkel....Any Pro JW that reads your thread,will lose 10yrs off their life........They are probably packing their bags and moving into the Kingdom Hall..Permanently!!..........................OUTLAW

:Dear Farkel

: Your post was a real eye opener for me.  It made me realize I'm not doing this apostate "thing" right at all!

:All I did today was sleep in and have brunch with my family.  Then I studied for my economics exam while monitoring 3 loads of laundry.  Then I cleaned my bathroom and made dinner. 

:After this it will be do the dishes, take a shower,  and early to bed.  

:I know apostates can not always be weeping and nashing their teeth while they foam at the mouth and their heads rotate 360 degrees, but  I'm really going to have to try harder to take my apostate role more seriously and step it up a notch and I intend to use you as my role model if you are willing.

:Your sister in apostahood,

:Cog

I will give you some slack here because I'm one of them rather "nice" apostates.  You must at the very least stock up on two cases of split pea soup.  This is essential.  If you are not willing to do this, you will not get your official apostacard(tm)  and you will not be able to communicate with demons the way we are. All official apostacards(tm) are done in Photoshop, and this is divinely inspired. I will find the Bliblical reference.  I know it is there somewhere...

We have a Union now.  I'm in charge of my local "California Aposta Union #49".  There are dues, too.  Any crusade turns into making people like me rich and people like you miserable.  This is all Bible-Based(tm).

Farkel

I don't get it. What is Farkel doing thats so different?

The funny thing:  I never got my Ouija board to talk to me.  Even with playing thrash metal music, those Devil crosses and sun-worship decorations up all summer long, and full blown praying to Satan (and cursing Jehovah when things do not work).  I guess Jehovah is too preoccupied with limiting my ability to enjoy freedom and the full range of pleasure to allow Satan (and Jesus, incidentally) to do their jobs that they set out to do.

Wow, instant classic.

Wha-Happened?..Farkel,is Farkel..He is,who he is.....Isn`t that what everyone wants?.....To just be..Themselves!!!........OUTLAW

lmao

This just made my day! Maybe I should send this to my JW family!

I'm more apostate than Farkel because I eat red Skittles.