I need some advice folks!

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    DonutZ! posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:14:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 130 of 150
    Joined 12/28/2011

    A few months back my then-gf (now wife) cheated on me with a coworker. Ever since then I have hated going to work because I have to see his damn face all the time. I try to ignore him and not let the thought of "him and my wife together" get in my head. As hard as I try it gets to me somehow and I end up depressed and thinking of ways to get back at him. It sucks that I can't talk to my mom or older sisters about this (I'm DA'd). Any advice is welcome.

    cedars posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:35:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

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    Joined 8/7/2011

    If the situation is really freaking you out, you could try looking for another job? That might give you reason for optimism, and the process of looking for new jobs might prove to be a productive channel for your frustration. Aside from that, there really is very little you can do. It's a horrible situation to be in.


    Vanderhoven7 posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:35:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 560 of 1761
    Joined 9/4/2010

    Were you always faithful while dating your gf? I know I had a double standard before I was married.

    My advice would be: Forgive your co-worker. Like you, he was attracted to your gf and did what came naturally to men with minimal conscience. Swallow your pride, your desire for revenge and don't let him or anyone else control your emotions. Look for a chance to speak to him privately; tell him you know of the breach in ethics, but that you are willing to forget the past. It will help him to understand grace a little better and free you from torment.

    DonutZ! posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:48:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 131 of 150
    Joined 12/28/2011

    Cedars-Hey man I have bills to pay too! Lol, I will try though to look for a job elsewhere. Vanderhoven7-Yes I was faithful during our relationship. But she kinda wasn't. I caught her multiple times still talking with her ex. And when this coworker got involved, I caught her and him sending very lomg and romantic texts and email messages. Note: She cheated on me a week before we got married and didn't tell me till a month into our marriage.

    Broken Promises posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:52:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

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    Joined 3/7/2010

    Leave the bitch and take the co-worker out for a drink, to thank him for showing up your wife for just who (what) she is.

    DonutZ! posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:58:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 132 of 150
    Joined 12/28/2011

    BP- A little harsh there my friend or am I just dumb for staying with her? I just don't know who to blame here.

    Broken Promises posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:16:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

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    Joined 3/7/2010

    Sorry for being so harsh but she doesn't deserve to be with you if she wants to play around.

    You're not dumb for marrying her but I think you will be if you stay with her. She's shown her true colours. Can you live with a cheater?

    M jwfacts posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:42:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 6330 of 8024
    Joined 6/25/2005

    You and your wife are both very young. I doubt the two of you would have been married under normal circumstances, but just did it because you felt you needed to comply by the rules of the cult. You have said you just want to be a normal kid and ended up out of the JWs but straight into another difficult situation. If the two of you are compatible and really in love it may work out. But if it doesn't dont take it too hard. Try to enjoy being with her whilst you are, but if you end up separating don't let yourself feel guilty about it either.

    M OnTheWayOut posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:48:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 15048 of 18574
    Joined 9/8/2006

    A week before the wedding? You are in for a rocky marriage. You need marriage counseling, insist on it. If she won't go, that tells you even more. It's no wonder you can hardly face your coworker. It's a slap in the face to do it with someone that you know right before the wedding.

    If I may ask, what made her tell you about cheating? That says a lot too.

    DonutZ! posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 13:15:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 133 of 150
    Joined 12/28/2011

    BP-I admit what you say is true, she has asked for forgiveness many times and she clearly shows it. But idk its tough to answer that question. JWFACTS-I do enjoy being with her and the thought of not being with her kinda scares me. It is true that I went from one problem to another. I feel that we are compatible. OTWO-I could try counseling but is it costly? I barely can pay bills! Lol. And yes I get angry whenever I see him but I have self-control. She told me (or confessed I guess?) because she said it was bothering her a lot, her conscience and what not.

    M OnTheWayOut posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:33:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 15049 of 18574
    Joined 9/8/2006

    Counseling is definitely not free. It probably averages slightly over $100 per one-hour session. People have told me about places that give discounts or free counseling, and I looked for a relative. I never found it. I did eventually get that relative to a psychiatrist that accepted Medicaid, but it was limited to 10 sessions a year. For myself, my insurance springs for it after the first $350 in a calendar year, but they have to approve ongoing sessions (which they always do).

    Still, it's probably worth it in your case. I would suggest you strain your wallet to spring for once every 5 or 6 weeks. I often suggest counseling when it seems appropriate, but I understand that most people will not go because of money. If you really want this marriage to work, find a way to get counseling. It won't work if you just hope it will.

    M OnTheWayOut posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:38:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 15050 of 18574
    Joined 9/8/2006

    OH, I am not at all against what BP said. I was answering from your concerns about facing your coworker, assuming you wanted to make the marriage work. If you (or she) doesn't want to make it work, get out.

    Madge posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:08:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

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    Joined 2/5/2012

    It sounds to me that your wife is insecure. Either about her relationship and marriage with you, or about herself. Generally, I have found then if I am off seeking another mans attention it has little to do with sex, and alot to do with all the nice things and attention I would receive. When you are with someone for awhile, we tend to start taking those things for granted. Does she or has she ever had self esteem issues? If so, I would suggest counseling, because if she is and seeking another mans attention is a way of reassuring herself, you are going to be in for a long ride and serious hurt. Being in a relationship is literally caring about the other persons feelings more then your own, but remember this goes both ways. When both people do this, the effects are amazing. Unfortunately, most people cant see past their own wants, and put themselves first (I have been guilty of this myself).

    Because it was really long and romantic texts that you found, in my opinion, it isnt about sex. Its about intimacy. She may have unresolved issues from past relationships, or she may enjoy the effects it has on you when you find these sorts of messages because your reaction (as messed up as this may be) is reassurace that you actually care about her. I would strongly suggest counseling, if for no other reason then to get to get to the bottom of her reasoning.

    DesirousOfChange posted Wed, 15 Feb 2012 15:54:00 GMT(2/15/2012)

    Post 1449 of 5217
    Joined 1/13/2011

    DonutZ, sorry for the tough emotional situation you are in. That's a horrible way to start a marriage. I would be more concerned about the emotional relationship than if they just had sex. Men have sex with their c**k, women have sex with their heart. In our area there are counseling opportunities that charge on a "sliding scale" based on your ability to pay. Counseling is definitely worth it.

    Best wishes


    DonutZ! posted Thu, 16 Feb 2012 06:11:00 GMT(2/16/2012)

    Post 134 of 150
    Joined 12/28/2011

    OTWO- I'll try to save some money or look for free counseling somewhere. Do you just sit and talk with a counselor together? Madge- To be honest I don't know if she has a low self esteem. Would that have something to do with her past? She told me she was a victim of sexual abuse by her stepfather and cousin when she was only 5. She said to me that ever since she was abused its been harder for her to say no and that she's weaker emotionally. Could this be true? Also I love what you say here "Being in a relationship is literally caring about the other persons feelings more then your own, but remember this goes both ways." Very nice words!!! DOC- You're right, this is a bad start. And yes I am more worried about the emotions and actual feelings she had during this affair but she always denies any and tells me it was just physical. Counseling is definitely on my to do list now though!

    Madge posted Thu, 16 Feb 2012 08:39:00 GMT(2/16/2012)

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    Joined 2/5/2012

    DonutZ! I sent you a PM

    talesin posted Thu, 16 Feb 2012 09:39:00 GMT(2/16/2012)

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    Joined 6/24/2003

    She told me (or confessed I guess?) because she said it was bothering her a lot, her conscience and what not.

    Sounds like it's all about her. Also, I agree with you about the emotional attachment, romantic texting, etc.

    Agree with BP. Get out now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. No kids, I guess? No? I would run as fast as I could.


    DonutZ! posted Thu, 16 Feb 2012 10:24:00 GMT(2/16/2012)

    Post 135 of 150
    Joined 12/28/2011

    Madge- Got it! Talesin- But how is it all about her?

    Broken Promises posted Thu, 16 Feb 2012 11:21:00 GMT(2/16/2012)

    Post 4948 of 5147
    Joined 3/7/2010

    She confessed because it was bothering HER alot, that it was hurting HER conscience etc.

    Nowhere do we hear that she did it out of concern for YOU.

    Get out before she falls pregnant (on purpose or otherwise). Once a partner has cheated on you, it's very hard to forget it, let alone get over it. It's best to cut your ties now and get on with your life.

    M oompa posted Thu, 16 Feb 2012 12:44:00 GMT(2/16/2012)

    Post 7238 of 7141
    Joined 8/15/2007

    one week before the marriage huh? ironic that this is the second post in one week about fooling around with somebody who is engaged...weird...and no i never did that!!!

    you already had concerns about her being romantic with others before you married her...i only wish you had known about it the week she did it...if you had...would you have married her?

    i think that is a key question because the only thing that has changed is some vows and your names on a piece of paper...they were phony because she was concealing so you did not have full disclosure...so turn back the clock and pretend you had known before the wedding...i have a feeling it would have been cancelled or at least postponed...

    as much as i love forgiveness and i have no capacity to hold a grudge...i would at least separate ASAP!!!!!!! she needs to think long and hard about how she could do that to a man she is so in love with that she wants to grow old with him and maybe have children with....

    and so do you....................good luck...........oompa


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