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I don't believe my boyfriend is 100% committed to this religion. How to handle?

    herlovelyworld posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:12:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 1 of 9
    Joined 8/28/2010

    Hi guys! I’m very new here and I need a little help.

    I’m not a witness, but I know all of the quirks and rules and whatnot because my long-distance boyfriend is a witness. The issue, other than the obvious, is that I fell in love with him BEFORE he told me he was one of Jehovah’s witnesses. The obvious solution would be to leave him, move on, try and find someone else etc. My issue with THAT is… I don’t believe he’s 100% about this religion/cult/ridiculous group. So I’d like to list a few things that he’s done (with me and without) that’s been hinting at why I feel this way, and get feedback as to whether or whether not I’m grasping at straws and holding out hope.

    Firstly, I wholeheartedly believe he’s only in this religion because of his parents. He’s a skinny, socially challenged, red-headed boy of 23 who was raised IN the religious beliefs. He’s never been able to think for himself. So when I asked him “are you in this cult because you WANT to be, because you honestly believe it’s the truth?” I got hesitation and a subject change. His mom, dad, and older brother is literally all he has family wise. They are all witnesses. I believe he’s holding on to it so much because he would lose basically everything without them. Especially since he lives with them… and his dad’s an elder. The other day when talking to him, he mentioned that he was thinking about working towards being a MS. The way he worded it though? “My dad and CO were talking and putting some pressure on me at the convention.” Pressure. Another red flag that he’s not exactly truly in it. He has non-witness friends that he hangs out with everyday pretty much. He’s not cold when it comes to masturbation, porn, etc. When we met in August, we even got seriously intimate, we’re talking oral sex here… He listens to hardcore music, watches gore movies, occasionally misses a service meeting. Not to mention the fact that he’s dating me, and has openly discussed marriage with me. We discussed holidays and he’s said to me that a small part of him believes he would be okay giving me flowers on V-day, and letting me have a tree in the home come Christmas time. He doesn’t treat me less than an equal. He’s started treating me more like a partnership. He’s quoted a few scriptures and the watchtower a few times, but it constantly sounds like he’s reading from a script with no emotion and no love. His family has done a lot for him, and people from his Kingdom Hall helped out enormously when his eldest brother passed away in 06. He’s mentioned to me in passing that he has an obligation to those people. Does any or all of this sound like someone that’s 100% committed? I completely understand that by leaving the cult, he would have no family.

    I don’t want to ASK him to leave, as I don’t want him to do it for me. I want him to realize how ridiculous it is. I thought about bringing all of this up with him, showing him this site and a few select articles (any particular article that would be good? He’s not exactly a reader, lol. I might have to read it TO him to get him to actually pay attention.) I want him to realize what he’s into by pointing out what I’ve noticed and the behavior he’s shown. Maybe even ask questions as to what a “partnership” means. I’m not sure and I’m very confused on the best way to go about this.

    Does anyone have any experiences to a matter such as this? Wanting to discuss it with someone that’s possibly not completely committed? Any advice? It would be so much appreciated!

    Nathan Natas posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:23:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 8708 of 9565
    Joined 4/25/2001

    *sigh* long-distance relationships are magical, aren't they?

    I don't mean "Cinderella" magical, I mean "shrunken head" magical, "Freddy Krueger" magical.

    May I ask approximately how old you are?

    It is good you don't want to ask him to change because anyone with experience will tell you that people don't change - they are what they are.

    If you fell in love with him BEFORE he told you that he was a pedophile, or a murderer, or a rapist, or that he owed $250,000 on his credit cards, would you still find it impossible to stop loving him?

    My point is that you do not owe it to this guy to ruin YOUR life because of "love."

    Right now, in your city, there are probably more than 5 guys who would be more compatible with you and would not bring such unwelcome ponderous, malodorous baggage to your relationship.

    Let him find his happiness with a JW girl who shares his guilt trips and hang-ups, and accepts the WTB&TS as the third member of her marriage.

    You DESERVE a decent, normal life. Make decisions that will result in that outcome.

    Good luck.

    sherah posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:30:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 336 of 610
    Joined 9/15/2009

    Have you met his family and friends? Has he discussed yourrs and his marriage plans with his family? Has he invited you to his kingdom hall?

    If you and he still have a secret relationship, then you really should move on.

    GrandmaJones posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:35:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 48 of 844
    Joined 9/15/2010

    I don't think it's a good idea to read this websight to him right now. I think I'd just ask questions to make him think. Don't confront him with his current actions. You just might guilt him back to the congregation. There is a lot of potential for fading here since he can move to you and just stay under the radar. If he stays gone for three or four years, probably no one will bother him. How old are you?

    garyneal posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:40:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 1781 of 3424
    Joined 9/5/2009

    Wow, Nathan. That was excellent. I hope, for her sake, she considers your words. Most young people don't. *sigh*

    Nathan Natas posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:46:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 8712 of 9565
    Joined 4/25/2001

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week, please tell your friends.

    White Dove posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:51:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 6571 of 7761
    Joined 3/23/2007

    A relationship with even an XJW can be testy at times.

    I wouldn't go on with this one.

    You deserve someone who knows how and will put you first in his life.

    You will for sure share him with the WTS and they will own him more.

    herlovelyworld posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 03:59:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 2 of 9
    Joined 8/28/2010

    Lol, I appreciate the responses thus far! Also, I'm 21. I've been in numerous relationships, but this is the only one that's ever hit me hard. It's as if without the religion... our personality fits perfectly. This is usually the part where someone says "oh just 21? whole life is ahead of you, you'll find a normal man, you'll succeed with the fire of a thousand unicorns etc."

    In response to falling in love with him before debt, pedophilia, or murder/rapist/animal killer whatever...

    Just a slight bit unfair to compare those to the witnesses. All of the above (minus animal killer I think) is grounds for prison, or at least should be in every sense of the word (depending on how much debt is actually accumulated and how many times the court case gets avoided), being in a cult is just being under the control of an organization that doesn't allow for free thinking. Not exactly grounds for being locked up. It's definitely not "the most" Christian group of thinking, but it doesn't necessarily mean they play with babies, goats, passed out people, or shoot people at random.

    It's not that he's ruining my life in the name of love, it's that I want to help him. My life isn't ruined in the slightest. We've discussed issues of compromise, which is why I'm so damn confused as to why he's a witness in the first place. He's met my parents, I *was* scheduled to meet his next week, until I put it off due to a different issue. Do we have issues with intimacy and communication? He's a 23 year old virgin who's never had a relationship. Of course we do. Doesn't exactly mean it's directly because of his religion.

    If he's not committed to this, what's to say that we couldn't have a normal, healthy, relationship should he give it up for his own reasons?

    Oh, and please understand I'm not arguing or being rude at all. I'm honestly here for opinions, no matter harsh. I'm a big girl, and a smart one at that.

    herlovelyworld posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:00:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 3 of 9
    Joined 8/28/2010

    Are there any statistics as to the percentage of people that leave, and then go back? I'm very curious as to how often that happens and how common it is.

    Edit: Not sure if this is the right topic to ask this question ><

    Nathan Natas posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:12:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 8714 of 9565
    Joined 4/25/2001

    His brain has been penetrated by the YHVH viral meme.

    Even though you mean well, you will not be able to free him. You really do not understand what you are up against.

    Only HE can free himself, and he does that by changing his mind once HE decides that he wants to.

    Search this site for the stories of those who were in love with or got married to a JW. Search the entire internet. You will not find very many happy stories.

    Somewhere there's a guy for you who is even BETTER than this one, but unless you let this guy go, you'll never meet him.

    And why is a smart, hot young gal like yourself even contemplating virtual relationships? Get yourself a tangible guy and tangible with him.

    garyneal posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:13:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 1782 of 3424
    Joined 9/5/2009
    It's definitely not "the most" Christian group of thinking, but it doesn't necessarily mean they play with babies, goats, passed out people, or shoot people at random.

    No, they'll just simply deny a child a blood transfusion even if it means the child dies as a result. The WTS proudly martyred their child victims in 1994.

    It's as if without the religion... our personality fits perfectly.

    My wife and I are the same but the religion really DOES matter in some instances. The holidays, for example, are strenuous when they should be absolutely memorable and enjoyable. They would be were it not for this cult making her feel guilty about wanting to celebrate them.

    If he's not committed to this, what's to say that we couldn't have a normal, healthy, relationship should he give it up for his own reasons?

    Nothing, just make sure he does NOT believe it is the truth. If he does, he's damaged goods as he will always feel guilty about doing anything that you would consider downright normal or even trivial.

    Oh, and please understand I'm not arguing or being rude at all. I'm honestly here for opinions, no matter harsh. I'm a big girl, and a smart one at that.

    Try reading what happened to another poster, marriedtojw. Ten years he was with a witness woman, they have kids together. Now they are getting divorced and his zealous witness wife is giving him pure freaking (you know what).

    garyneal posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:15:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 1783 of 3424
    Joined 9/5/2009
    And why is a smart, hot young gal like yourself even contemplating virtual relationships? Get yourself a tangible guy and tangible with him.

    Trust us, you're better off without the baggage and he will be better off too.

    Nathan Natas posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:19:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 8715 of 9565
    Joined 4/25/2001

    As for ex-member recidivism, we know that there are now more EX-JWs in the USA than there are JWs. Each year, about 10% of JWs become inactive or are disfellowshiped.

    But the strange thing about this YHVH viral meme is that whenever there is FUD (fear, uncertainty or doubt) - or sometimes just the sound of distant thunder - an XJW will pause for just a microsecond and wonder if it is the end of the world. Really! As a result, a certain number of XJWs make an attempt each year to get back on the Ark (as in Noah's ark) of salvation, which is what they are taught the WATCHTOWER is.

    If this sounds stupid to you, it is only because you do not know enough about Jehovah's Witnesses.

    herlovelyworld posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:23:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 4 of 9
    Joined 8/28/2010

    I kinda chuckled at the thought of a thunder boom and witnesses everywhere hitting the deck.

    In any case! Thank you so much for the advice and info. Lots to think about indeed! I really appreciate it.

    garyneal posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:28:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 1784 of 3424
    Joined 9/5/2009

    Do be careful. It's even harder on women who are unbelieving partners than it is on men since men are suppose to be considered the head of the household. If he's feeling pressure now, imagine the pressure he will feel when he advances to elder and is told that he needs to keep his family (you and your kids) in line.

    This can lead him to becoming abusive and controlling.

    http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/best-of/77159/1/The-Best-of-Im-married-to-or-dating-a-JW

    wasblind posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:30:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 1847 of 9409
    Joined 6/13/2010

    "I'm 21. I've been in numerous relationships,"

    That my dear, shows you still have a lot of growing to do

    slow down, and learn to be more selective. Having known a

    few fine gentlemen, is better than having known a whole bunch of bad ones.

    M Open mind posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:31:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 5145 of 6292
    Joined 8/30/2006

    "Jehovah's Witnesses have the lowest retention rate of any religious tradition. Only 37% of all those who say they were raised as Jehovah's Witnesses still identify themselves as Jehovah's Witnesses."

    http://pewresearch.org/pubs/743/united-states-religion

    Best of luck to you.

    om

    pirata posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:33:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 508 of 1419
    Joined 12/31/2009

    Are there any statistics as to the percentage of people that leave, and then go back? I'm very curious as to how often that happens and how common it is.

    Currently about 40,000-50,000 are Disfellowshipped each year and about 20,000-25,000 are reinstated each year. So about half that leave go back. However, that doesn't include those who have faded (stopped attending, but were not DF'd), or those who get reinstated (in order to have a somewhat more normal relationship with their family) only to fade right away.

    OUTLAW posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:35:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 17589 of 23865
    Joined 10/11/2001

    Jehovah`s Witness`s are Bat Shit Crazy..

    Good Luck!!..

    http://ny-image1.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.93309105.jpg

    .......................... ...OUTLAW

    pirata posted Sun, 10 Oct 2010 04:37:00 GMT(10/10/2010)

    Post 509 of 1419
    Joined 12/31/2009
    we’re talking oral sex here

    He could be disfellowshipped for that if the elders know (even married couples are not allowed to do that, believe it or not) as is it considered fornication.

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