30 Years Old and Going on My First Date Ever -- Urgent Advice Needed

Well, first a quick summary of who I am.  I'm 30 years old.  I was raised "in the truth" and fully embraced the faith when I was a teenager.  At the age of 23 I started having my first doubts.  By 26 I stopped going to the meetings altogether.  I spent the past few years doing some soul-searching and setting out a path for my post-JW life.  I'm happy with my career and with my social life, but I have no love life to speak of.

A few weeks ago I decided to finally do something about it, so I signed up on E-Harmony.  I've been e-mailing a very attractive woman on there for a few days and I want to finally ask her out.  I've never been on a proper date in my life.  I dated two JW girls when I was younger, but that has no resemblance to what actually goes on in real life, i.e., I won't be taking a chaperone along this time.  I've been with girls post-JW life, but they have been strictly short-lived trysts.

Where should I take this girl and how should I behave?  I need your advice, please.  I'm pretty sure this date won't go very smoothly.  How can it if it's the first real date I've been on.  Regardless what you're doing, you will never be very good at it the first time.  That's part of why I signed on to this website, so I can get a few dates under my belt and get better at it. 

Oh yeah.  I should mention that she's a single mother.  I'm not sure how that factors into the mix, but please advise.  Thanks.

Baby steps, chief.

Dinner, moderately priced, public place. Be yourself.

Sometimes you "know" within a few minutes if you want to get to know a person better.

Don't put pressure on yourself. You'll look back at this as such a small thing, years from now.

There are plenty fish in the sea, and this is not a make or break experience. You learn as you go.

Just be yourself dude!  If you want someone to like you they have to like you for who you are. Have fun.

Don't talk about being a dub and don't say this is your first date, for starters.

Just pretend in your mind you're having coffee with a new coworker and just be friendly.  Ask her questions about herself, talk about things you're interested in, stay away from negative talk about yourself and controversial topics.

Smile a lot, make eye contact, and listen.

A little nerves can be cute, but too many and she'll feel uncomfortable for you.

If you sense a mutual attraction, give her a smooch.

Make sure to clean your pipes before you go.

Oh yeah the single mom thing.....I don't know any ladies who at that age doesn't have kids.  Its expected.  You should be like one of those guys girls dream about.  Congradulations BTW. :)

Go somewhere that you don't have to keep a conversation going so you don't have to worry about ackward silences.

Show a polite interest in her kids but not to much. When I was a single mom and dating, one guy just seemed too interested in my kids, I did not like it, it sent up red flags for me.  Maybe he was just trying to get on my good side but it made me very uncomfortible and I would not go out with him a second time.

Have fun and remember she is nervous too!

Congratulations and good luck!

Everyone gave you great advice.  Not talking religion, unless she, for some odd reason, really wants to talk about it, would be advised.  When I was single, the last thing I wanted people to know was that I had been a JW. 

And as for drinking, I'd keep it minimal or zero.  

Sports?  Travel?  Work?  Things like that.  It is amazing how much time those things take to talk about and before you know it, it will be time to go home and on your next date. 

There are plenty fish in the sea, and this is not a make or break experience. You learn as you go.

That's the plan.

Don't talk about being a dub and don't say this is your first date, for starters.

I made that mistake with the last girl I "dated."  It was more of a hook-up (as the kids would say) than a true dating experience. We hung out a few times over the course of 2 weeks or so.  I decided I wanted to be open with any girl I dated because I was feeling guilty that my new circle of friends was in the dark about my JW past.  It was a mistake.  I don't think she was able to properly make the distinction between a current and former JW.  For "worldly" people, religion is often a trait you're born with that you never really shed when you get older, so she began to see me as a guy with Dub beliefs, regardless of how many times I told her that was part of my past.  She started giving me the cold shoulder all of a sudden and I haven't talked to her in months.

Make sure to clean your pipes before you go.

Not sure that's going to make a difference.

You should be like one of those guys girls dream about. 

Thanks for the kind words.

Maybe he was just trying to get on my good side but it made me very uncomfortible and I would not go out with him a second time.

Thanks for that advice.  I'm sure the priority with single moms is finding a guy who is neither a pervert nor abusive.  I'll keep that in mind.

but please advise. 

I'm impressed with your spelling! 

Just be yourself. 

Sylvia

Any advice about good dates has a few pre-requisites.  If you...

A.  Have made an effort to make a wide variety of new friends, you have social skills.

B.  Have developed new hobbies and interests, you have things to talk about....

then do something where you can talk that won't be too long.  A good first internet date is a simple cocktail at a nicer bar.  Have a martini or two.  The bill is cheap, and it's more grown up than coffee.

If you feel like you have nothing to say, then work on A and B above, but for your date go somewhere with something going on that you can comment on and discuss.  If you're near a city, grab some lunch and go window shopping in a hip part of the city.

But really, don't stress.  If the mojo is there, the date doesn't matter.  If it isn't, no amount of planning will help at all.  I've had successful first dates of all types:  morning, afternoon, late night - pubs, coffee, dancing, parks, parties, home cooked dinner, sports, the beach.  My best first date was a cemetery on halloween followed by a costume party.  Don't sweat it.

When I was single, the last thing I wanted people to know was that I had been a JW. 

I feel the same way.  I'll lay off the heavy subjects for sure: politics, religion, etc. are off limits.

I'm impressed with your spelling! 

Thanks.  I can't stand reading posts dat luk lik dis.

A.  Have made an effort to make a wide variety of new friends, you have social skills.

B.  Have developed new hobbies and interests, you have things to talk about....

I feel that I have been able to do both of those things.  I think I got comfortable being single and just preferred to avoid the embarrassment and difficulty of taking on the dating challenge.  Hopefully, I'm on my way to changing that. 

journeynever...you have come to the right place...oompa is here!!....lol

firstly, email is not enough prior to a date....phone calls or at least some skype or facebook chat is way more indicative of how things may go...why has that not happened....i know three people with very good experiences on eharmony type places btw.

something that makes conversation less a problem is a place with quiet live music....a good jazz bistro or an acoustic session...be nice to know what she likes...music is great for mood, plus offers a nice time to just listen to it, or talk about it between songs...takes some pressure off

you have much good advice here so far....if you get a chance, date a former dub!...the connection is unreal!!...sooo much in common is sometimes a very good thing.

as far as the single mom thing...how long is she out of a long-term relationship?....sometimes the rebound factor is huge, and you better be careful not to get her hooked too much..............but also, being yourself is the only way to go....no games....and it is always good if you are not to eager to get in her pants, and you seem to not be that time which is a good thing.......................GOOD LUCK!!...............oompa

Instead of the old "Dinner and a movie", you need to stand out from all of the other guys.  Take her out to do something *interesting* and *different*.

• Do you have a GPS?  Take her out GeoCaching: www.geocaching.com  (Make sure you do a "practice run" to ensure you know how to use the GPS correctly).  Choose a Cache that's in a park as opposed to in the middle of the woods. (Don't want to freak her out)
• Take her to a Lesbian karaoke Bar. (You haven't lived until you've done this!)
• Take her to a Wine Tasting or a Beer Tasting
• Are you thinking about doing any work on the house?  Take her to the place where you will be picking out the new look (Wood floor, kitchen cabinet, paint color, etc... it doesn't matter exactly what.  ) Women LOVE giving their input on such things (it falls into their nesting instinct

Basically it should be something *interactive* where she will be participating in whatever is going on.

While on the date, make sure you sometimes tease her a bit... this will let her know you are not needy and you have a sense of humor.  If she does something clumsy make sure you roll your eyes and say something like "OMG!  Are you always that clumsy?" :P

 "OMG!  Are you always that clumsy?" :P

heh heh...If a guy said that to me I would think he was gay.

Basically it should be something *interactive* where she will be participating in whatever is going on.

With that in mind, have some condoms handy, just in case.

W

Remember that this woman is "worldly" and only thinks about immorality and ripping you off....like in the 2009 Convention drama!

as far as the single mom thing...how long is she out of a long-term relationship?....

I haven't gone there yet.  I prefer to leave this topic up to when we actually meet in person.  It's high on my list of things I want to find out from her, but I don't want to bombard her with personal questions up front.  It's important to create a sense of attraction before getting into the nitty gritty of things, so to speak.

While on the date, make sure you sometimes tease her a bit... this will let her know you are not needy and you have a sense of humor.  If she does something clumsy make sure you roll your eyes and say something like "OMG!  Are you always that clumsy?" :P

This is a concept known as "negging."  Apparently it works wonders.  "Hi.  I love your outfit.  You know, I saw a girl at the last club wearing the same exact thing."  It's a strategy to use women's low self-esteem against them. It's supposed to work well with women who are used to getting a lot of attention.  When they meet a guy who "negs" them, they're supposed to instinctively try to earn his affection because their low self-esteem prompts them to gain the affection and interest of every man around them.

I've been tempted to try this out, but it seems geared towards young, club-hopping women with low self-esteem, the kind of girls who are no strangers to one night stands.  I'm not really interested in that type of girl, though, nor do I really think that these kinds of "games" work all that well with mature women.

Agreed with leavingwt.  Get her to talk about herself, people almost always love to talk about themselves.  Ask about her.  Do you guys have anything in common?

It's normal to be nervous, everyone hates first dates.

Take her wherever you both have a common interest,  even if it's just dinner and a movie.  Whatever the venue, just relax and be yourself.  I know you, dear heart, and most women would be thrilled to spend time with you.  Ask open ended questions about what she thinks and how she feels about her life, (job, friends, family, her child, etc).   There is no reason in the world for this date not to go smoothly.  You're an educated, cultured, nice looking young man who is sweet and funny and has a marvelous future ahead of him.

If things go well, kiss her lightly on the lips as you two are walking to the car at the end of the date.  If that goes well, do it again when you walk her to her door and tell her you had a great time and that you'd love to see her again.  If she agrees, tell her you'll call her tomorrow, and then do it.  Be a man of your word.

Let us know how things go.  Have fun!