Does my friend need help leaving JW?

Hello everybody!

I am not sure if I should be writing this but I'll give it a try because I could use some advice from people who know better this religion.

About 6-7 years ago, when I was in highschool, a new classmate arrived and she was Jehovah's witness. Untill that time I had very few knowledge about these people. She was a kind girl but she wouldn't hang out with us a lot. I have learnt from her former classmates at her previous school that her parents were very strict and that they made her change school because she had a relationship with a boy there. Anyway, soon after she came to us we learnt that she was engaged to another JW. She has even showed us photos from the engangement etc. We were all very young so I couldn't understand how it could be possible for a girl to be happy with such a situation. While we were talking about colleges and entry exams she would leave hints that she was looking for wedding dresses etc. I have never talked about it but I had always the impression that she was trying to convience herself more than us that she was happy about this marriage. The time passed, we finished school and she got married while I left for college.

I hadn't heard from her for years when I came through her at facebook. We started talking and we arranged to meet for a coffee. There I learned that she wasn't very happy with her life. She told me that she was browsing through our former classmates' facebook profiles and she was kind of jealous that we had all enjoyed our college years studying, travelling, having fun etc. Her husbund was not abusing or something like that but he was conservative and very faithfull to their doctrines. I knew that she was a very good student when we were at school but the last year she had really abandoned everything.

It was that time that I made a little research about JWs and I realised the reasons of this situation. Personally, I am completely opposed to such doctrines but since I knew that this religion had been her whole life I didn't encourage her to abandon it without thinking. I encouraged her to talk about it with her family and husband and I learnt that this could be quiet dangerous for her. She told me that if she would leave the religion she would loose her family, husband, friends and everything. In addition, she was working at her father's business and, having no college degree, she would be in a very tough situation. She was feeling trapped.

Then, all of a sudden, I lost her. She defriended me from facebook along with all our mutual friends. I don't know what to do. I tried to call her once but she wouldn't answer. I know it is her life and all I want for her is to be happy. But is it possible that if someone learnt about her contacting me she would be in trouble? I see that there are many ex-members among you. So is it something that you would have liked a friend to do for you when you were considering about leaving?

I would appreciate any opinion.

Mary

P.S I appologise for any grammatical mistakes. I am not a native speaker in English

her internet activities and conversations may have been noticed/policed and yes that could get her 'councelled' on her associations,it may be she wasnt the one who 'defriended' you

or it may be that she decided herself to cut ties as revisiting the old days made her uncomfortable, sometimes its easier to just shut up and put up if theres no easy way out. no point crying over spilt milk, just keep your head down and not draw attention to yourself kinda thing.

she has your name and now knows she can get hold of you so maybe its a case of time will tell she may in the future try and contact you again. possibly under another name if she ever sets up another account that someone doesnt know about if shes been caught out the first time round.

Hi Mary,

There is not much you can do except be there for her if she wants to contact you.

Her life is not in danger, unless she is suicidal, but she is probably being subjected to severe psychological pressure to stay in the cult and not to associate with non-members and especially ex-members.

I hope she contacts you again soon.

Cheers

Chris

Thank you a lot for your answers!

I know you are right. I would not try to contact her any more as I am afraid that this could ger her into trouble.

What pisses me off is that she is such a bright person and she could accomplish all her dreams if she only had a chance. She is only 23, having no kids yet, so this would be the perfect chance to start over her life.

In addition, this has nothing to do with faith and religion. She never told me anything in the spirit of "This is how God wants me to live" or whatever. Our conversation was all about controlling relatives etc.

I can't do anything, I will just wait and see. Maybe I will try to find ex-JW in our country who could help her in case that she contacts me again.

Thank you all again

Sad story. Very common Mary. The JW are trapped the cult. If they leave they can loose even their husaband and or wife. Nobody will talk to them. Very sad. 

I speak Spanish if that's your first language PM me ;)

ootb

Maybe she contacted you because she longs for what could have been and she probably deep down is unhappy with her JW life, but because of the mind-control she would deny her unhappiness.  It is a prominent thing and many take anti-depressants to stuff their true person deep down.  Her religion controls her to not have any non-JW friends.  I hope she contacts you again, she probably wants to but she is fearful.  

If you are still able to send her a message, why don't you a drop her a line with your email so she contact you in private.  If she emails you you can perhaps tell her how concerned you are about her and who knows maybe even gently raise some issues that might help her to see that there is a way to find happiness outside the cult.

My guess is that an elder [or over-nosey relative] found out about your conversation. You are 'worldly' to her - which means in Jw parlance, that you are part of Satan's evil empire - and she was perhaps told that association with you was dangerous. I am totally unfamiliar with facebook - but if your name was listed publicly there, and it was clear you weren't a Jw - then she was probably told to get you [and everyone else who was not a Jw] off the list.

I have heard that many employers look at facebook accounts to keep an eye on employees these days. Could be that the cult leadership is encouraging similar among the 'faithful' nowadays.

Send her a lovely card, telling her how much you enjoyed your re-acquaintance with her recently. Let her know your email/door/phone is always open to her should she desire to 'keep in touch'. If she is really feeling trapped - someday the phone will ring and she will be there. Otherwise, you will likely drive her completely away due to her fear and the pressure she is under.

Peace

Jeff

She sounds like she is an intelligent woman who is capable of working things out for herself.... eventually, if she so chooses. While she may have complained about her situation to you, she could well be amibvalent; part of her is dissatisfied but another part kind of sees herself as being a part of the religion. There is nothing unusual about this: People often complainm about aspects of their lives, but are not implying to listeners that they want the lsiteners to help them change it. It is one thing to have negative thoughts about one's life; it is quite another to be actively contemplating leaving one's religion. 

Frankly, while it is understandable that you have some concerns about your friend, she has not expressly asked for your help and, in my opinion, you shouldn't give it. 

I have the opposite view of many here. I wish anyone of my friends/associates on the "outside" would have pointed out to me the untruth of my religion. I'm a bit angry that they didn't. I truly believed what JWs told me, no questions asked. I would give my friends and workmates our study books in the hopes that if there was something wrong with what they taught, they would show me. Instead, they never talked about it - this reinforced to me that I in fact must have the true religion, since no one was willing or able to disprove otherwise.

 You do not have to be her friend on FB to send her a message, so I would suggest sending a message with the names of the 2 most important books for any JW - "Crisis of Conscience" and "Combatting Cult Mind Control." You are right, she is still young enough to change her life for the better. Please keep us posted.

Thank you all for your interest.

Although I am not a religious person, I trully respect everybody's faith. I wouldn't try to change her mind about her religion even though I disagree with it.

But, I don't believe that, in her case, it is a matter of faith. I have read a lot of stories from ex-JW and most of them describe how they started having doubts about their religion when they descovered the inaccuracies that they were taught. I dare to say that my friend had never really believed all that staff (I admire her for that since she was raised by a very "faithfull" family). But she is socially and emotionally attached to JWs.

She is an intelligent young woman. And it broke my heart listening to her descirbing how her days are empty, boring and unfullfilling. She is married to a man that doesn't stop parroting their teachings and has no other interest than that. The same goes for the rest of her family. If I were her I would have gotten insane.

Of course she doesn't need facebook to contact me. She has my email, phone number and even knows where I live. She already knows that I am here to support her. I will not try to contact her again because I am afraid to causing her trouble. Leaving from there would be such a huge change in her a life that she could only handle it if she is sure about it. For that reason I don't want to push her. I am afraid of making things worse.

I am pleased she knows how to contact you.

It is very possible that it was not her choice to abandon her FB friends.  Does she still have her FB account?

Are there any events or places where she often goes where it would be easy for you 'accidentally' bump into her?

From your description it sounds like it might not be too long before she can't take it any more and wants out enough to brave the real world.  Once that happens she will have no family or friends except the few non-JWs she knows.

Thank you for caring.

Chris