Jw men in relationships with "worldly women" take notice.

It's a struggle to live a life of dualism. And in being in the collective it is a struggle, everyday. You sought comfort in her arms, Were soothed by her normalacy, and is a wiff of fresh air to you. But if you, like so many others, a 2nd or 3rd gen witnesses, it's a struggle, especially if you believe the dogma and  have family in it , and the hold it has on you in your mind it's extreme. Hey, they would'nt understand no matter how hard you may have tried to explain it to them. As long as they are on the outside, they CANNOT understand.

I know, I tried when I was still on the inside...

You say you love them, treat them like a queen in everyway, even when making love to them. But would you take them home to mother? Would you bring them to the next "gathering"? or when others in the collective are just "hanging out"?

If you still don't think that this is a cult, then think about that last statement that I had made.

You know everything about her family, freinds, ect, but still attend your meetings, go out in service, and give public talks? But cannot invite her there to see what you are doing? But have no problem in sneaking her over to your house or apt late at night? Even if you do love her with all your heart and soul, just think.... how does SHE feel? Have you REALLY explained YOUR situation? Ganted some have, and you did, then this post is not for you, but for those struggling with the concept of dualism. Which is an everyday thing for a young adult dub. As long as you are in the inside you will always have this struggle with dualism, not being able to really fit in with the outside world, but as time moves on you'll find that you 'll have problems in having "normal" relationships. Those on the outside don't have to worry about a hebrew god that's going to destroy them when armaggedon comes. You still think that.Those on the outside don't have to worry about being afraid of being cut off from their family just for openly seeing someone that's of a different religion. You have to decide, what's important? Being happy for once with her, or were you playing with her, toying with her emotions, giving her empty promises that you knew full well you could'nt keep? You expect her to be patient with you if you decide to fade? Does she know the concept of fading away? Even if you did tell her, 9 times out of 10 she still would'nt understand, but if you have that one that does understand. You're the lucky one, and I salute you.

But note this:The first point you have to understand is that you have not really lived your life for you.

The second point is, look around in your little box. See how small it is?

The third point is, look at her world, see the infinite possiblities? See what she can show you?

Final point, If this is not a cult....then why feel guilty of expressing the one quality that is REALLY human, and that is ....

Unconditional Love, Love without prerequisites.

I was thinking about this the other day when walking home from work that day. Even though I did tell her of my cult exiting and was with her to no end and was always there for her, she still did'nt understand even if she said she did'nt care and did'nt mind, just as long as she had me. It was the feeling of always feeling that she was never good enough for my family because she was'nt a witness. I loved her just the way she was, and would'nt let be assimilated, no way in hell would I allow that. But now note this, as long as you are in it,and still pratice it and don't tell her about the whys and whatnots about the collective, you will always have the sun in your eyes.

Let go of your fear.

Just a few thoughts from the thoughful, thank you for taking the time to read this.

jojochan.

 

 

 

Excellent point. Even as a fader it's really tough. I'm with someone that is incredible and I can't even consider letting her meet some of my extended family, but I'm fortunate in that she doesn't have family either. It's strangely similar to the situation I grew up in as a dub, never thought there could be such a thing.

 

I know, it got me thinking ever since my pop vented to me that it's strange living this life as two people since the "world" will have trouble understanding.

Thanks dad.

jojochan.

I see the lurkers are noticing this.... something to think about huh?

jojochan.

yeah, it's part of the social "hobbling" (the scene from Misery is a wonderful visual of what I mean). I wish I had the relationship problem. But, someone of us have it worse off than others. -silent

 

Been there,done that.  I was the girl on the outside.  It monumentally stunk. It was awful. I really don't have the means to truly express what it was like being his "significant" other who he attempted to stash in the background and hide in plain sight. The gatherings he didn't invite me too, the acting casual when he'd bump into someone from the group, the constant "Yes!-No!" behavior- how he loved me but you know, he loved Jehovah more...

  I don't want to get into that woman scorned thing with this post, I just want to shake my head and say- yeah, I remember all to well.

 

Of course, on a happier note, I hardly ever think about it when I look at my hubster- he really has come a long, long way. We both have, really.  Too bad his family and friends couldn't have come along for the ride too!(Well, on second thought, it's definitely too bad for him- maybe it's not too bad for me- as evil a thought as that is )

(((detective)))

At least both of you guys are still together and was able to weather the storm. I salute you for your patience.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be in another relationship again until after my complete seperation from the collective. I could not put any other women through that experience, I respect women that much.

This is my life, and there is no turning back....

jojochan.

152 plus times viewed!

Interesting... I hope this gets through to the lurkers out there.

jojochan.

Well... I called, and said my peace... I feel closure, and that was needed.(see, "she lost me")

Now I'm retreating to a close freinds' house up north for the weekend.

cheers...

jojochan..

 

could you PLEASE get on a megaphone with this!!!

I've been thinking about this for the last few days so I'm so glad someone who has "been there" posted. Your words will have far more punch than I would have had.

I see all these posts from people who come here to say "I'm dating a JW." It is so crazy making. Some JWs want the double life. Some convince themselves they can convert him or her or that they can go back once they are married even if the spouse doesn't join.

JWs who go outside of the cong are NOT showing love for the person they are hiding in the background. We read the stories here, the heartache, the never really understanding what this "religion"/cult is all about. It is just plain cruel.

There are other families who traditionally marry only people of the same faith. JWs aren't alone in this. But living with one foot in a cult and one foot out is unfair and unloving.

I really admire those UBMs who stick it out - all the crap this cult piles onto the JW, never being accepted by the family or JW friends. It sucks.

Thanks for posting this

My boyfriend is a stubborn yet inactive and unbaptized JW, and he's never hesitated to introduce me to his JW family, he was actually really eager for me to meet them (probably because he's 28 years old and I'm the first girlfriend he's ever had).  They're very nice people, very warm and welcoming, and not once did they treat me like an outsider because I'm not a JW.  His sister lives in Hawaii and I haven't had a chance to meet her yet, but she's quite excited about me and she's been begging my boyfriend to take me to Hawaii to meet her and her husband (husband #2 for her, and he's a non-JW), which he promised to do this summer.  My boyfriend knows that I'll never convert and become a JW, but he doesn't have a problem with that, we're just going to have to compromise a lot.

What really got me was the notion of going to the KH with him.  I offered to go if he ever wanted to (note: I didn't suggest that we go together, I just mentioned that I would go with him if he ever wanted to, but he rarely goes, once a year maybe), and he's OK with the idea, but he made it clear that if we ever go together, then I can't let anyone know that we're dating and that I'm staying with him (it's a long-distance thing, so if I was there to go with him, I'd have to be staying with him, too), and we couldn't behave like a couple.  Why not??  Because the people there wouldn't approve of that.  Ooo, can we say "double-life"??

He loves me, I have no doubt of that, and he wasn't afraid at all of bringing me to meet his family, but he seems really concerned about what his congregation would think of our relationship, despite the fact that he can count on one hand how many times he's been there in the past few years and isn't active at all.  His family isn't a concern, they're all inactive and nominal like he is, but the opinions of active JWs and the elders seems to be really important to him.

Ugh, I'll never understand JWs, I just won't.  Makes me incredible glad that I've never been one and will never be one.

-Becka (of the "JWs are too complicated" class) :)

Becka,

Perhaps the secrecy is due to fear.  If the elders in his cong. know he is dating a nonJW, they may ask him nosy questions about your relationship, including how physical it has become.  He could get df'd for that. 

I can see where the fear aspect would come in, after all, the WTS is all about scaring its members into obedience, but how can they disfellowship him if he's never been baptized??  And if he was that scared, he'd be a good little JW and stay away from "heathen" like me, but he's definitely not a "good" JW, he's actually really bad at it.

-Becka :)

Hey Becka, your BF was never baptized so he can't be DFed.

 

lola

Ok - I missed the fact that he's not baptized   He can't get df'd.  But he could get marked, and then get shunned.  It can still cause problems.

That could be a bad thing, but he doesn't go to the KH often enough for anyone there to know him anyway and he doesn't have any JW friends, and his family wouldn't shun him because they're all just as bad as he is for the most part anyway.  If they didn't shun his sister for having two children out of wedlock by two different men, then they're not gonna shun him for dating me.

I think he's just afraid of "looking bad" in front of his congregation - in a lot of ways, he's just like a kid or a teenager, just looking for love and approval.

-Becka :)

As long as he has an understanding family, and wonderful woman by his side....It really does'nt matter. If I was him I would be on cloud nine right now, which I bet he already is. I evny that, I'm happy for you both.

I felt the urge to post that becausethe OTHER side is what you don't hear about. The selfishness in just trying to convert that person is just wrong in my eyes, also in just hanging that person on a string in their hopes that one day that dub will bring then into their circle. Which I had failed to do so in my past before I my first marriage. It's even worse now that I'm inactive and fading I have issues and I realize that deep down I have to move away from all of this. And start fresh. Until then I can't be in a "normal" relationship even though I admitted to my folks that I will NEVER marry a dub EVER again. To that they said "I don't blame you not one bit."

That shocked me, and  took a load off my mind. The response that I was looking for and hoped for arrived. But what's still there and serves as a slight "prick" to my mind is the whole,"marry only in the lord" thing. Unlearning the whole w.t dogma is sucky to go through, and I don't know if I could drag another woman through that bullshit like I did before....that person did'nt deserve that at all. It takes patience and understandinjg on her part as well. I give props to the women that love their men enough to stay by their side when it comes to their religion. That in turn gave the men the strength to bring you into their circle. What's cool is that you understand one huge important thing....that he loves YOU. And does'nt love you less by taking the time to reveal you to his folks. I would love to have that kind of woman in my life...I wish I could have that.

Lady lee....you're welcome.

jojochan.

You have a sister?, nah just kidding, lol!

jojochan.

Sorry, jojochan, no sisters here, but I do have two brothers.

But if this helps...

*bestows lots of love and approval on jojochan*

Feel better now??

-Becka :)