Uncyclopedia about Jehovah's Witnesses

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses

I found this so funny, especially if you are/were/know a lot about JWs. What is funny is that it's mostly the truth, presented in a humorous form. Some random excerpts:

Jehovah Witnesses are also the only major Christian sects who are able to accurately predict the end of the world multiple times, all thanks to the obvious signs presented in the bible. According to their calculations, the end of the world occurred in 1844, 1914, 1975, 2000, and "sometime soon." All of these predictions have came true, because all previous predictions in the bible have indeed came true.

Unclean Things:

How to Become a Jehovah Witness

History:

[...] Fred Franz, who in 1983 claimed that the world had ended in 1975. The world did end, but nobody really noticed as it was the 1970s. Everybody was too high to care.

  Lol! multiple times.

  Unclean Things

  Pagan holidays

  * Halloween. Reason: Jehovah Witnesses don't like strangers knocking on their
doors.

  Blood transfusion, because it's just disgusting.

  Some Jehovah's Witnesses have become part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection
Program, a federal government attempt to protect them from the persecution by
the International Zionist Conspiracy, Yahweh's latest attempt at extralegal
settlement of his dispute with Jehovah. Contrary to the disinformation spread by
false religions, the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program is not intended to
protect other people from Jehovah's Witnesses, as they are well known to be
harmless, aside from the fact that they caused the end of the world at least
nine times.

  # Pagan - basically the worst word you can use to describe anything. If they
refer to anything as 'pagan', like christmas, birthdays, the yin-yang symbol,
fantasia, or saying 'good luck', it means they should basically treat the thing
as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you
screaming something about your mother and cocks in hell.

  How to anger a Jehovah Witness

   1.  If they arrive at your doorstep and ask, "Can I talk to you about God?"
Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?".
   2. Repeat what they say.
   3. Take away your door so that they can't knock (they love the knocking door
sound).
   4. Invite them in to see your collection of either Jewish family Haggadah or
prominently displayed statues of Buddha, Krishna, and Shiva on embellished al-
tars.
   5. Ask them directions to go to a nearby protestant or catholic church.
   6. Ask them to pray for somebody who has passed away.
   7. Mention the failed prophecies of 1844 and 1914.
   8. Insistingly say: "if you're not one of the 144,000, I don't want to talk
to you." If the Witness claim to be one of the 144,000, then say that he/she has
too much of an ego, which is not a trait approved by Jehovah.
   9. Draw amusing illustrations in their Bibles and Textbooks.
  10. Answer the door naked, with an erection and with your body painted head to
toe in blue swirly patterns. Politely inform them that your not interested in
joining a monotheistic faith but tell them they are quite welcome to come and
join in the Pagan orgy thats currently going on upstairs (note: this has been
tried for real by one of my workmates brothers. It worked a treat, the door-
knockers were never seen again).

Did Farkel write this? 

Holy shit, too funny.  Highly recommended!!

Very funny.  I like the little nimbered questions after some of the ppg's, like the wt mag.  Here's another clip, part of how to become a jw:

   *  Step Four: prove your mental strength

After your weeks of intensive training, no doubt your mental strength is now above average, but how do you know that you are strong enough? Now you must face a test. You must be able to listen to weekly or bi-weekly tedious talk about vague subject with vague reasoning and never comment on it. Furthermore, you'll have to endure comments from other people which are equally vague and equally, if not more, confusing. Note: if you are not confused, then you are in the wrong meeting.

S

That pick is from a apostofest.  I believe that that is a couple of british apostates.

S

That's Englishman, isn't it?  I thought I recognized him. 

Yah, and little toe, i believe.

S

If they refer to anything as 'pagan', like christmas, birthdays, the yin-yang symbol,
fantasia, or saying 'good luck', it means they should basically treat the thing
as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you
screaming something about your mother and cocks in hell.

If I was drinking something, it would have been coming out of my nose.

This thread is full of win.

Shamus 100,

:Did Farkel write this?

No. I wrote this one. Mine is a little more "spiritually deep!"

Handy JW Apostate Glossary

Farkel

Farkel

Thanks for the link. Some reviews of your glossary, I thought you would like to see.

"Pure evil genius!"  - Apostate Review

"Do you want to know what the GB does in its spare time? They read Farkels glossary." - NY Times

"Inspiring.....faith strengthening....moving...." - Pope John Paul, Vatican Views

"must read.....with a bottle of wine" - The Bethelite Monthly

"You are to organize hatred along with mob violence at your earliest possible convenience to Farkel" - Letter to the Body of Elders from the GB of JW's

"A piece to make Brigham Young laugh along with his 368 heavenly  wives" - The Mormon Heavenly Letter

"Best JW glossary EVER!!" - Comic book Guy, The Simpsons

Bump

Two great threads in one - oh my god, that unencyclopedia is just too damned funny. 

What, is this thread about farkel?

S

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH_7YAEEKAM