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If you had controlling parents

    F mrsjones5 posted Fri, 13 May 2011 16:39:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 15485 of 19558
    Joined 10/13/2004

    I just finished reading this book:

    I thought it was good and aptly described the why and how reasons for my parental units' really messed up parenting styles. I'm posting this so that others on this board who have controlling parents (there seems to be a lot of us here who do) have another resource to go to in order figure this stuff out, move on and feel better about ourselves.

    This is a little bit of what's in the book and there's a link to a related site at the end:

    TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

    When you were growing up, your parents...

    1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

    2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards

    3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them

    4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them

    5. Violated your privacy

    6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you

    7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself

    8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities

    9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others

    10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

    If your parents were controlling, click here for helpful resources

    Information about finding a psychotherapist

    From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World.
    Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserv ed.

    Back to Top

    TEN SIGNS YOUR PARENTS MAY STILL CONTROL YOU

    Even today as an adult, you...

    1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

    2. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

    3. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

    4. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

    5. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

    6. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

    7. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

    8. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

    9. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

    10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

    If your parents still try to control you, click here for helpful resources

    Information about finding a psychotherapist

    From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World.
    Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

    Back to Top

    TEN SIGNS EARLY UNHEALTHY CONTROL MAY STILL AFFECT YOU

    In your adult life, you...

    1. Feel perfectionistic, driven, or rarely satisfied

    2. Feel intimidated or easily angered around controlling people

    3. Lose yourself in relationships by automatically putting others' needs first

    4. Find it hard to relax, laugh or be spontaneous

    5. Feel as if you are under scrutiny even when no one else is around

    6. Have an eating disorder or addictive behaviors

    7. Have trouble finding a spiritual belief that feels right

    8. Expect others to hurt, judge, or take advantage of you

    9. Have harsh "inner critics"

    10. Have trouble asserting yourself or feeling proud of your accomplishments

    If early control is still affecting you, click here for helpful resources

    Information about finding a psychotherapist

    From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World
    Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

    Back to Top

    TEN SIGNS YOU MAY BE OVERCONTROLLING YOUR CHILDREN

    In raising your children, you...

    1. Micromanage their eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

    2. Give affection as a reward but withdraw it as punishment

    3. Criticize your children far more than you praise them

    4. Violate your children's privacy

    5. Override, discount or ridicule your children's strong emotions

    6. Forbid your children from asking questions or disagreeing with you

    7. Are unwilling to admit your mistakes in parenting

    8. Believe that you own your children and that they have to earn your love

    9. See your children's desires for independence and autonomy as a personal rejection

    10. Inflict physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse on your children

    If you are concerned you are overcontrolling your children, click here for helpful resources

    Information about finding a psychotherapist

    From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World
    Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

    http://www.controllingparents.com/P.S. There is also a cult paradigm to this subject in the book.
    F snowbird posted Fri, 13 May 2011 16:43:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 22305 of 23201
    Joined 5/2/2007

    I can see my mother and a lot of myself in there.

    Thanks.

    Syl

    F mrsjones5 posted Fri, 13 May 2011 17:11:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 15486 of 19558
    Joined 10/13/2004

    You're welcome Syl

    According to the book there are eight parenting styles of control. My mother seems to be a combination of 5 (depriving, cultlike, chaotic, abusing and using) and my father is about 2 of them (depriving and perfectionistic) but lately he's aquired a new one - cultlike . The styles are below:

    Nearly all controlling parents embody one or more of the eight "styles" of controlling parenting. These styles provide a "You Are Here" point on the map of unhealthy control. Identifying your parents’ styles can help you make sense of what didn’t jibe in your family. Remember the series of lenses an eye doctor alternates before your eyes until you find ones that enable you to see most clearly? Recognizing your parents’ styles offers the right lens that brings into focus the underlying values and themes with which you were raised. The more clearly you view your family’s themes, the more readily you can become your own person. You may find elements of one or more of these styles present in either or both of your parents:

    Smothering Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children’s identities, thoughts and feelings.

    Depriving Convinced they will never get enough of what they need, Depriving parents withhold attention and encouragement from their children. They love conditionally, giving affection when a child pleases them, withdrawing it when displeased.

    Perfectionistic Paranoid about flaws, Perfectionistic parents drive their children to be the best and the brightest. These parents fixate on order, prestige, power and/or perfect appearances.

    Cultlike Distressed by uncertainty, Cultlike parents have to be "in the know," and often gravitate to military, religious, social or corporate institutions or philosophies where they can feel special and certain. They raise their children accobding to rigid rules and roles.

    Chaotic Caught up in an internal cyclone of instability and confusion, Chaotic parents tend toward mercurial moods, radically inconsistent discipline, and bewildering communication.

    Using Determined never to lose or feel one-down, Using parents emotionally feed off their children. Hypersensitive and self-centered, Using parents see others’ gains as their loss, and consequently belittle their children.

    Abusing Perched atop a volcano of resentment, Abusing parents verbally or emotionally bully — or physically or sexually abuse — their children. When they’re enraged, Abusing parents view their children as threats and treat them accordingly.

    Childlike Feeling incapable or needy, Childlike parents offer their children little protection. Childlike parents, woefully uncomfortable with themselves, encourage their children to take care of them, thereby controlling through role-reversal.

    http://www.controllingparents.com/stylesof.htm

    P.S. I'm sorry if the type is smaller. I can't seem to change it but the same information is on the link.

    Married to the Mob posted Fri, 13 May 2011 17:14:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 300 of 359
    Joined 1/15/2010

    Wow

    I can tick off everyone in the top box, almost everything in the next 2!

    No kids yet so can't comment on that!

    F snowbird posted Fri, 13 May 2011 17:15:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 22310 of 23201
    Joined 5/2/2007

    In the case of my mother, it was role reversal.

    She made me feel responsible for her.

    I still have feelings of guilt that she died, that somehow I should have saved her.

    Syl

    St George of England posted Fri, 13 May 2011 17:17:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 941 of 2378
    Joined 3/22/2010
    TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

    So how did you know my mam & dad?

    George

    Pika_Chu posted Fri, 13 May 2011 17:52:00 GMT(5/13/2011)

    Post 208 of 296
    Joined 2/24/2011

    Oh, IF...? My parents are CRAZY, Mrs. Jones!

    F mrsjones5 posted Sat, 14 May 2011 02:29:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 15487 of 19558
    Joined 10/13/2004

    I hear ya Pika Chu, mine are too.

    F jamiebowers posted Sat, 14 May 2011 03:04:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 4903 of 6349
    Joined 1/27/2007

    It seems to me that parents who are in a cult would consider the first list as a checklist for proper parenting.

    F mrsjones5 posted Sat, 14 May 2011 03:09:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 15490 of 19558
    Joined 10/13/2004

    I have to say that my parents were/are a prime example of every one on the first list.

    Iamallcool posted Sat, 14 May 2011 03:18:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 579 of 3892
    Joined 11/24/2010

    (bookmarking)

    LV101 posted Sat, 14 May 2011 05:30:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 396 of 1614
    Joined 5/25/2005

    No question about the "if" part. I will order this -- thanks for info.

    truthseekeriam posted Sat, 14 May 2011 05:57:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 715 of 954
    Joined 5/13/2009

    Okay,

    So I'm a little controlling...but I'm working on it

    I just think I now better...but I don't.

    F snowbird posted Sat, 14 May 2011 14:07:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 22329 of 23201
    Joined 5/2/2007

    Tee hee hee.

    I'm working on it from my end, also, TruthSeekeriam.

    Syl

    F mrsjones5 posted Sat, 14 May 2011 16:36:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 15497 of 19558
    Joined 10/13/2004

    So I'm a little controlling...but I'm working on it

    Which is great cuz at least you're aware. My mother has very few times of lucidity but I think for the mostpart she isn't aware of what she's done or continues to do. My brother told me that our mother admitted to playing her children against each but when he went back to her to talk about it she claimed she never said that.

    M flipper posted Sat, 14 May 2011 17:26:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 12205 of 16949
    Joined 3/7/2007

    MRS. JONES - Excellent thread ! Thanks for posting. I think many of us can see some of those traits that might have been in our parents. Although I was lucky and had very open minded parents for being raised a JW. In their 80's they STILL are fairly open minded and respect I don't subscribe to the WT society's beliefs. I feel lucky having THOSE kind of parents. This is very helpful info. Thanks for posting it. Peace out, Mr. Flipper

    21stcenturywoman posted Sat, 14 May 2011 17:36:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 29 of 37
    Joined 11/3/2010

    All of these examples are exactly what I experienced during my JW childhood.

    (Thanks for posting this information. I just purchased the book.)

    TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTSWhen you were growing up, your parents...

    1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

    2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards

    3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them

    4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them

    5. Violated your privacy

    6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you

    7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself

    8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities

    9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others

    10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

    [edited to remove disruptive code]

    GLTirebiter posted Sat, 14 May 2011 20:46:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 1421 of 2312
    Joined 9/10/2009

    It's not just parents. Try replacing the word "parents" with "spouse" (or "ex-spouse", for that matter). The same dynamics often apply.

    Those who had controlling parents as children often find themselves attracted to controlling partners as adults, and then the controlling partner inflicts that onto their children--and so another generation is afflicted.

    jeckle posted Sat, 14 May 2011 20:48:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 180 of 250
    Joined 2/12/2011

    awesome I gotta get that book!

    F Snoozy posted Sat, 14 May 2011 23:10:00 GMT(5/14/2011)

    Post 3216 of 3528
    Joined 11/3/2001

    How about a book about having "Controlling Children"?

    Snoozy

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