If you had controlling parents

I just finished reading this book:

I thought it was good and aptly described the why and how reasons for my parental units' really messed up parenting styles.  I'm posting this so that others on this board who have controlling parents (there seems to be a lot of us here who do) have another resource to go to in order figure this stuff out, move on and feel better about ourselves.

This is a little bit of what's in the book and there's a link to a related site at the end:

TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

When you were growing up, your parents...

1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards

3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them

4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them

5. Violated your privacy

6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you

7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself

8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities

9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others

10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

If your parents were controlling, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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TEN SIGNS YOUR PARENTS MAY STILL CONTROL YOU

Even today as an adult, you...

1. Feel disloyal when acting or feeling differently than your parents

2. Feel easily annoyed or impatient with your parents without knowing why

3. Feel confused by parental mixed messages

4. Are afraid to express your true feelings around your parents

5. Feel intimidated or belittled by your parents

6. Worry more about pleasing your parents than being yourself

7. Find it hard to emotionally separate from your parents

8. Talk to your parents more out of obligation than choice

9. Get tense when you think about being around your parents

10. Want to temporarily reduce or sever contact with a parent

If your parents still try to control you, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World. Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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TEN SIGNS EARLY UNHEALTHY CONTROL MAY STILL AFFECT YOU

In your adult life, you...

1. Feel perfectionistic, driven, or rarely satisfied

2. Feel intimidated or easily angered around controlling people

3. Lose yourself in relationships by automatically putting others' needs first

4. Find it hard to relax, laugh or be spontaneous

5. Feel as if you are under scrutiny even when no one else is around

6. Have an eating disorder or addictive behaviors

7. Have trouble finding a spiritual belief that feels right

8. Expect others to hurt, judge, or take advantage of you

9. Have harsh "inner critics"

10. Have trouble asserting yourself or feeling proud of your accomplishments

If early control is still affecting you, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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TEN SIGNS YOU MAY BE OVERCONTROLLING YOUR CHILDREN

In raising your children, you...

1. Micromanage their eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

2. Give affection as a reward but withdraw it as punishment

3. Criticize your children far more than you praise them

4. Violate your children's privacy

5. Override, discount or ridicule your children's strong emotions

6. Forbid your children from asking questions or disagreeing with you

7. Are unwilling to admit your mistakes in parenting

8. Believe that you own your children and that they have to earn your love

9. See your children's desires for independence and autonomy as a personal rejection

10. Inflict physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse on your children

If you are concerned you are overcontrolling your children, click here for helpful resources Information about finding a psychotherapist

From If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace With Your Past and Take Your Place in the World Published by HarperCollins. Copyright © Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

http://www.controllingparents.com/P.S.  There is also a cult paradigm to this subject in the book.

I can see my mother and a lot of myself in there.

Thanks.

Syl

You're welcome Syl

According to the book there are eight parenting styles of control.  My mother seems to be a combination of 5 (depriving, cultlike, chaotic, abusing and using) and my father is about 2 of them (depriving and perfectionistic) but lately he's aquired a new one - cultlike .  The styles are below:

Nearly all controlling parents embody one or more of the eight "styles" of controlling parenting. These styles provide a "You Are Here" point on the map of unhealthy control. Identifying your parents’ styles can help you make sense of what didn’t jibe in your family. Remember the series of lenses an eye doctor alternates before your eyes until you find ones that enable you to see most clearly? Recognizing your parents’ styles offers the right lens that brings into focus the underlying values and themes with which you were raised. The more clearly you view your family’s themes, the more readily you can become your own person. You may find elements of one or more of these styles present in either or both of your parents:

Smothering Terrified of feeling alone, Smothering parents emotionally engulf their children. Their overbearing presence discourages independence and cultivates a tyranny of repetition in their children’s identities, thoughts and feelings.

Wow

I can tick off everyone in the top box, almost everything in the next 2! 

No kids yet so can't comment on that!  

In the case of my mother, it was role reversal.

She made me feel responsible for her.

I still have feelings of guilt that she died, that somehow I should have saved her.

Syl

TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTS

So how did you know my mam & dad?

George

Oh, IF...? My parents are CRAZY, Mrs. Jones!

I hear ya Pika Chu, mine are too. 

It seems to me that parents who are in a cult would consider the first list as a checklist for proper parenting. 

I have to say that my parents were/are a prime example of every one on the first list.

(bookmarking)

No question about the "if" part.  I will order this -- thanks for info.  

Okay,

So I'm a little controlling...but I'm working on it

I just think I now better...but I don't.

Tee hee hee.

I'm working on it from my end, also, TruthSeekeriam.

Syl

So I'm a little controlling...but I'm working on it 

Which is great cuz at least you're aware.  My mother has very few times of lucidity but I think for the mostpart she isn't aware of what she's done or continues to do.  My brother told me that our mother admitted to playing her children against each but when he went back to her to talk about it she claimed she never said that.

  MRS. JONES - Excellent thread !   Thanks for posting. I think many of us can see some of those traits that might have been in our parents. Although I was lucky and had very open minded parents for being raised a JW. In their 80's they STILL are fairly open minded and respect I don't subscribe to the WT society's beliefs. I feel lucky having THOSE kind of parents.  This is very helpful info. Thanks for posting it. Peace out, Mr. Flipper

All of these examples are exactly what I experienced during my JW childhood.

(Thanks for posting this information.  I just purchased the book.)

TEN SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE HAD CONTROLLING PARENTSWhen you were growing up, your parents...

1. Overscrutinized your eating, appearance, hobbies, or social life

2. Pressured you with perfectionistic expectations or unattainable standards

3. Forbade you from questioning or disagreeing with them

4. Discouraged you from expressing anger, fear or sadness around them

5. Violated your privacy

6. Intimidated, manipulated or overpowered you

7. Discouraged your efforts to experiment and think for yourself

8. Gave you no say in household rules and responsibilities

9. Seemed unaware of the pain they caused you or others

10. Seemed unwilling to admit they were wrong

[edited to remove disruptive code]

It's not just parents. Try replacing the word "parents" with "spouse" (or "ex-spouse", for that matter). The same dynamics often apply.

Those who had controlling parents as children often find themselves attracted to controlling partners as adults, and then the controlling partner inflicts that onto their children--and so another generation is afflicted.

awesome I gotta get that book!

How about a book about having  "Controlling Children"?

Snoozy