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Arranged marriage ?

    F topcat posted Sat, 22 Jan 2005 06:21:00 GMT(1/22/2005)

    Post 4 of 5
    Joined 2/12/2004

    Just wondering if you think it a possibility that in certain situations jw's would arrange a marriage? I obviously haven't been part of the religion but was curious about a friend who I think this may have happened to. He had been away from the jw's for about 3 yrs. (going through a divorce, moved) and was feeling I think very lonely and depressed ( suicidal at one pt.) . Anyway, he was later in contact with relatives who lived close by and they began a relationship again ( they were active jw's), he was in a relationship with a non-jw whom he seemed to really love but was feeling guilty about it. The relatives knew of this relationship but were trying to introduce him to jw women (he is a mature man in his 40's) which he didn't seem to interested in doing. Well , as time went on he began attending some meetings and being with them alot, and the mindset was becoming clearer as he separated himself from more wordly people. I should say he was also an alcoholic and had been reprimanded a few times in the past for his wordly behaviour (nothing that bad , just normal!). Next thing you know he split up with his wordly girl and the next week was starting to date a jw woman. You knew he had been quite in love with the other so how could this happen? Ended up marrying the jw woman in just over a yr. and no one has really seen or heard from him. We also know he had spoken with the elders ( at new congregation) just prior to breaking up or just after and seemed rather torn at the time. Is this the jw way to help a brother out? Could a woman really feel she is in a loving marriage when things seemed so set up? Like I said I'm just curious , maybe he could fall in love that fast but seems sad somehow knowing they were so happy (with the first one) and never had a chance of making it work.

    Thanks for your input,

    Topcat

    F bikerchic posted Sat, 22 Jan 2005 06:49:00 GMT(1/22/2005)

    Post 3099 of 5099
    Joined 8/24/2001

    To my knowledge JW's don't arrange marriages. They introduce couples just like any other group would do that's the way people get to know each other. I see nothing in the description you've outlined that would make me think it was an arranged marriage. I would think a 40 year old man could figure things out for himself and decide what he wants to do with regard to dating and marriage. The JW's do have a strong pull on it's members they use the guilt trip routinely.

    Next thing you know he split up with his wordly girl and the next week was starting to date a jw woman. 1.You knew he had been quite in love with the other so how could this happen? Ended up marrying the jw woman in just over a yr. and no one has really seen or heard from him. We also know he had spoken with the elders ( at new congregation) just prior to breaking up or just after and seemed rather torn at the time. 2. Is this the jw way to help a brother out? 3. Could a woman really feel she is in a loving marriage when things seemed so set up? 4. Like I said I'm just curious , maybe he could fall in love that fast but seems sad somehow knowing they were so happy (with the first one) and never had a chance of making it work.

    1. What may have looked like love to others isn't necessary love to those involved which must have been the case with this man. If he truly loved this worldly girl nothing would keep him from her. He just wasn't into her.

    2. Yes the elders often try to reason with erring individuals, nothing strange about that.

    3. It would be rather presumptuous to imagine how another woman would feel, guess it would be best to hunt her down and ask her.

    4. Curious, you seem more than curious to me. Something doesn't sound right about this post. For one thing you stated that you "obviously haven't been part of the religion" yet you know the JW language very well and also the procedures.

    I think you are a little more than curious, maybe jilted? I really don't know why after a man being out of the picture for over a year and has obviously moved on with his life is of any concern to you, but then you could always go to his congregation and ask the elders about him.

    I could be way wrong about this but is really sounds fishy to me. Good luck with your search, try googling him see what happens.

    M eyeslice posted Sat, 22 Jan 2005 11:33:00 GMT(1/22/2005)

    Post 401 of 1268
    Joined 3/1/2002

    In the west the pressures are more subtle but in Africa and parts of SE Asia things are far more overt. I have known of CO's acting as 'match-makers'; now how scary is that?

    A few years back a Watchtower article was devoted to 'Negoiating a Reasonable Bride Price'.

    Watchtower 1998 - 9/15...

    According to one African newspaper, some marriages are negotiated "simply for the sake of profiteering by greedy fathers." Another factor is economic pressure that tempts some parents into viewing their daughters as a means of easing a financial crisis.

    Some parents hold their daughters back from marriage because they are waiting for the highest bidder. This can cause serious problems. A newspaper reporter stationed in eastern Africa wrote: "Young people choose to elope to escape excessive dowries demanded by tenacious in-laws." Sexual immorality is one of the problems caused by the demand for a high bride-price. Furthermore, some young men manage to buy a wife but are left in heavy debt. "Parents should be reasonable," urged a South African social worker. "They should not demand high amounts. The newly married couple need to live . . . So why bankrupt the young man?"

    How can Christian parents set an example of reasonableness when negotiating for the payment or receipt of a bride-price? This is a serious matter, for the Bible commands: "Let your reasonableness become known to all men."

    Examples

    of Reasonableness

    When it comes to marriage negotiations, many Christian parents have set a fine example of reasonableness. Consider the case of Joseph and his wife, Mae, who serve as full-time evangelizers. They live on one of the Solomon Islands where bride-price negotiations are sometimes a problem. To avoid such difficulties, Joseph and Mae arranged for their daughter Helen to get married on a neighboring island. They did the same for another daughter, Esther. Joseph also agreed that his son-in-law Peter pay a bride-price well below what could reasonably be accepted. Asked why he did this, Joseph explained: "I did not want to make a burden for my son-in-law who is a pioneer."

    F topcat posted Sun, 23 Jan 2005 03:24:00 GMT(1/23/2005)

    Post 5 of 5
    Joined 2/12/2004

    Hi Bikerchic,

    Yes, I do sound a little more than curious I suppose, but both of these people were close friends (non-jw girlfriend) . I am familiar with the lingo due to many discussions we had regarding some of the jw beliefs, I have to admit I could be very argumentive when I feel an injustice is being done. The girl , well she has moved but we stay in touch and these were her feelings that she questioned , I found this site awhile back and thought I'd make the inquiry. I do believe she still really cares for him and feel bad for her. As for him, like I said we haven't heard from him and we had known him first , for about 20 yrs. I had spoken to him a few times after he broke up with her and he sounded very hurt and confused , last time we spoke he was just not the same , sounded very disinterested and monotone, thought I'd just leave it alone and let things sort themselves out, and we never have heard from him ( my husband included). I certainly wouldn't go beyond this and try and find him, just thought I could ask those in the know and possibly give her some comforting explanation. I think the loss of someone you deeply care about is not always easy to let go especially under the circumstances. No, one certainly doesn't know the intricies of a relationship , however, he actually seemed more"into her" than vice-versa.

    thanks for the input though,

    Topcat

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