Now That I've Joined, I wish That I Hadn't

Any one here get that sinking feeling when you were an active JW? I'm not talking about the point where we developed doubts about the borg, but just the shear weight of responsibility on your shoulders to uphold "God's Kingdom" ala WTS.

The topic of doing all you can was brought up frequently. Some would try to sooth by saying "as long as you're doing your best, Jehovah will accept you." Well, umm... let's see, I have a good full time job, so that I can provide for my family, I'm raising my 3 kids, trying to keep my marriage to my "unbelieving mate" alive, doing 10 plus hours a month in service, appointed ministerial servant, give public talks, study for all meeting parts because some bozo won't show up, and for sure I'll get called on to fill in, doing congregation accounts, subbing for "book study" conductor. That's gotta be enough, right? WRONG! What about the family featured in a WT or Awake! that "moved to where the need was greater?" They moved to a squalid third world environment where the entire family including their small kids were always in danger. The story told about the brother that was doing at least as much as I was in his home town, but felt it wasn't enough. If it wasn't enough for him, it can't be enough for me! HOW IN THE HELL CAN I TOP THAT!?

Just thinking about it stressed me to the point of thinking to my self; "If I just had not known about JW's, I would still have a chance at the resurrection. If I leave now, after what I've learned, I'm toast." I couldn't have been the only one in that predicament.

TR

"I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man." --Thomas Jefferson*

Hello TR,

The stress of raising my kids as JWs with an unbelieving wife at the time was hell in itself. I can relate with you man. Be glad we are out of the borg and our kids are too. At least we can raise our kids knowing what hell it is turning our lives over to a religion like the WTBTS. Hopefully they will learn from us and not make the same mistake.

Hi Scorp,

Yes, I'm blessed to not be in the frame of mind I once was. My kids were young enough when I left, that they remember virtually nothing about the experience, save for boring meetings and eating lunch at breaktime at assemblies. We made it, and we're better people from the experience.

TR

"I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man." --Thomas Jefferson*

TR

That is exactly how I felt. Meetings 3 nights a week, field service on the weekends, study the other nights of the week. Prepare for talks. Prepare for field service. Read your literature. Then don't do this, don't do that, don't do the other. Can't associate with worldly people, but witnesses don't want to associate. No large gatherings. Watch our speach, only talk about upbuilding things, don't tell anyone if you don't agree with the society on certain things. Then you get cretnoids who do their best to stamp you into the ground and tell you your not spiritual enough.

It didn't matter what you did, you never felt like you were acceptable to God. I always remembered that scripture "probably" you may be concealed in the day of his anger. So with all this martyrdom we still weren't guaranteed life.

Being a sister I didn't have the same the responsibilities of an MS. But yes ...I'd have to say I had that sinking feeling a lot.

I used to think what was the point. And finally realised there was none.

BEW

Hi BEW,

Yes, add all you mentioned and then some! Maybe some can handle stress. I couldn't. When something bothers me, I fix it. If I can't fix it, I move on.

TR

"I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man." --Thomas Jefferson*

As an ex-elder's wife I can certainly attest to the "It's never enough Syndrome" We had to be exemplary at all times. The stress was unbelievable. It made me ill. Looking at the other elder's wives I realized they too were all ill. And with mostly stress related illnesses. Many of them were sick with odd or unheard of diseases - things I didn't even know existed - and I was a labelled a hypochondric - always had something wrong or had my nose in a mediacl book.

Most of the elders I knew too were sick and almost always with problems that were made worse by stress. As an elder's wife I knew an awful lot of people and it was the same in almost every cong I knew.

As the elder's family too there was incredible emphasis on being a good example - what we put the kids through was absurd - the expectations way too high. Their father was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive to them if they did not meet his expectations. it really was sad.

I got so depressed I thought the only way out was to die.

Since I'm still here you can see i found another option.

and, oh, the pressure that we used to put on our kids for being exemplary...especially if i was coming up for reappointent after a move..
remember one CO nixed my reappointment recommendation, because he observed that my youngest son was not particiapting in the singing of kingdom songs at meetings....where the hell is that qualification in timothy or titus????
it was all about "looking good" especially during COs visits...
well, i now have an ex-wife and a son still in, and i'm out and so is the son that wouldn't sing... he now sings in his own band, and is on his way to the top.. i love him and we are very close....love the other son, too.

Lady Lee -

I totally agree! As the daughter of a PO & I was a reg pioneer - I had never been as sick in my whole life. The only accepted excuse for not going above and beyond was if you were ill. A week didn't go by that I wasn't sick. In the last 10 yrs (since I've been out) I've never been so healthy - it's a miracle ---- Praise Jah! ;o) LOL

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. --Steven Wright

TR,

So true my man. So True. Since the majority of jwdubs were raised in the truth, many do not even know what stress they are under. It took almost 2 or 3 yrs away from it, for me to get the picture. They really have no reference point, no way to imagine any different life style. If the GB ever let up on the poor souls, declaring a time-out, maybe a month or so; no meetings, no field service, no guilt(?), Iam afraid the congregations would suffer 50% loses.

Chipster,

A perfect example of the intractability and stupid nit-picking about children, is what former DO, now GB member Ted Jar'ass did to my brother-in-law concerning his children's conduct.

They were chosen as one of those example families for interview on stage, my niece and nephew were perhaps 5yrs and 6yrs old at the time, and children often do, they observed grandma sitting in the audience and proceeded to wave at her and smile big grins, everyone in attendance was smiling about the whole thing.

Well Mr. Gestapo Jar'ass reams my sister and brother-in-law up and down after the session, then writes a letter to the service dept. about how bro. bro-in-law family is uncontrolled and suggested that he was not qualified to be an elder. Well the society (chalk one up for them) didn't take any action, but it sure displayed the attitude of the one, who now exerts tremendous influence over the GB. What a class a jerk this guy is. A real henchmen in every sense.

Danny

Dad (recently appointed PO in their Cong) had a heart attack several months ago -- his Dr. said it was 95% stress and 5% food/diet.

An elder from a neighboring congregation happened to be in the hospital visiting another JW and stopped in. When Dad told him about the heart attack, the elder advised him to "pray" and "ease back into things."

The stress (granted, it's mostly self-imposed) is killing my father, and the only advise this "fellow elder" has is to "ease back into things?" Oh yeah, and don't forget to "pray."

Nope, never enough.

Mom's pioneer hours were "low" as a result of spending several days at the hospital with Dad, and she counted time by preaching to the nurses. Putrid.

"I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."

I do recall having that same feeling...."I wish I didn't know....now I'm doomed and I'll never make it" But you know....educate yourself on the WTS and their "True" history....not what's written in the "Proclaimers Book" and they lose a whole lotta credibility....once you realize what their all about, you'll realize they use scare tactics to control members....that's how they keep you in...how they keep you docile and subserviant....once you learn to think for yourself independently of the WT....you'll lose that feeling.....you're on a journey to freedom...don't let anyone rob you of your prize!

Even the Proclaimers book will convict them, though. My son in law read it!! I'm sure they didn't expect many to actually sit down and READ it. But, he did. And then he read it again. Then he told our daughter "we will no longer allow these people to control our lives." And they walked away.

i can relate !!! i had an unbelieving mate and was always stessed about not doing eneough. i would have thoughts like, i wish i never knew the truth or i wish a witness never came to my door. funny, i never prayed and asked Jehovah if this was really the truth i assumed it was. jurs

Remember those brothers that for some reason were just content to come to the meetings, and that was it? I remember thinking how un spiritual they were, but at the same time, I envied the hell out of them!

TR

"I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every
form of tyranny over the mind of man." --Thomas Jefferson*

The caption says it all...

I was a MS at 18 and was given more and more assignments..A close friend of mine gave me a leather bracelet to wear..He wore a couple and I thought it would be cool...First time on the platform with it ended with me getting a lecture(in the second school after the meeting) from an elder. The elder and his wife had moved into our cong about 6 months before and were former Bethelites..Says my bracelet was worldly and that I should not be wearing it..Tried to argue the point with him but it was useless...Didn't care..Kept wearing the bracelet...mostly to piss him off..(my Dad was an Elder at that time and he saw nothing wrong with it)..Some Elders are just so petty...

After much pressure I was baptized at the age of 16...I was getting baptized at the same assembly as the PO son.....Everything went fine but the week after the assembly the PO's wife was complaining that I was not completely dunked under the water...She had taped it and she said that my hair had not gone completely under...She was insisting that I get dunked over again...Man...I was royally pissed..The PO talked to my Dad. My Dad told him that it was ridiculous and that there was no need for me to get dunked again...The matter was finally dropped a couple of weeks later...No..I did not have to get dunked again..

Side point..The PO's sun left the "truth" 3 years later...Moved in with a "worldly" girl..The PO had been removed by that time though..

It's all about who is who and who you know..It also seems that you have to be really good at kissing ass in the org...Fed up with all the bull...Anyways...

Gotta go to work....

Wolfy

I remember when I was at Bethel. We had a talk on wholesouled service and I didn't feel like I was doing enough so I signed up to auxiliary pioneer one month.

Joel

Now That I've Joined, I wish That I Hadn't

me too

Reading someone's post on always being sick reminded me: I used to HOPE I would get some problem and be so sick I didn't have to attend. That way, it would be a free ticket to not go to the meetings and people wouldn't judge me for not showing up. I remember daydreaming I had a major illness, they had to make an annoucement about the need to send meals or something and I would daydream the congregation feeling sorry for me and say "I know why she's not here--poor thing." How pathetic is that for me to wish that??? I felt like a rat that needs to chew on its own leg to get out of a trap--no matter the physical pain, I want out! I got so jealous of the men and women who had real problems and when they finally showed up to a meeting everyone would rush to them and congradulation them on coming. But if I missed ONE meeting for a headache or sore back (not good enough reasons, remember) , I would get the critical eye and up turned nose. Crazy.

hi vienna,
thanks for the laugh. i use to wish i was sick too. sometimes before a meeting if my kids slightly complained of their stomache hurting ect. i would jump on the chance not to go...jurs

Oh Vienna, that was awesome. Welcome.

Hi Wolfy. I grew up in Upstate NY and went to Canada quite a bit. A brother in our cong. also got hassled about wearing a leather bracelet, ha ha ha. Do you remember in the late 80's when bolo ties were in? I wore one as a part of a 'western outfit' and got busted out 'for wearing the garb of the opposite sex.'

Joel Joel Joel. Yours was the funniest of all. Already serving in Bethel like a slave, you decided to Aux Pio one month?!?!? Man oh man that is some kind of funny.

Lisa