I've never lived

Been doing a lot of reflecting lately, about my life and this crazy world.

Fear has dominated my life. I have barely lived because of it. I just exist, that's about it.

When I was growing up, it was bullies at school. I wasn't one of the primary targets, but I got my share.

Today, my fears are more of the adult kind:

Fear of never experiencing the love of a woman.

Fear of terrorists nuking American cities and destroying life as we know it in the west.

Fear of poor urban blacks, a culture I don't understand that I live right in the middle of. Man when I pull up to a red light and the boyz in the hood are in the car next to me, I about piss my pants.  They seem like rabid dogs to me.

Fear of my family dying.

Fear of contracting a fatal disease.

"Jerry Bergman" (is it really him?) posted that maybe some of us were better off as JW.

I'm wondering that in my case. My life sucked when I was a JW, to be sure. But it was an escape from reality. Accepting life for what it is (arbitrary, unfair, unkind, mysterious, capricious) seems beyond my abilities.

Sometimes it seems to me that people are the most vicious animals there are. Maybe the Calvinists are right, that man is utterly depraved. Doesn't seem like a big stretch to me right now.

If I make it through this point in my life, I think I will be a much better person.

But that "if" seems pretty iffy right now.

The pain is exceeding my ability to cope with it.

Maybe the USA is the bad guy.  If you listened to one of Osama's boys I'm sure they feel very justified in wanting to see us all blown sky high.  People don't hate for no reason.  You don't see fanatics plotting Switzerland's destruction.

The youth culture in America baffles and horrifies me. Why the hell would you mark up your body with tattoos?

I've spent the past 17 years of my life waiting for the world to go completely mad. It seems like we're getting nearer and nearer to that.  Maybe I'm projecting my own escalating madness onto the world.

I've never lived. I don't know if I ever will.

Life just doesn't make sense.

this sounds kind of serious dan. would you consider medical help? looks like you're depressed.

Dan, yes life does have its hickies. First thing ya gotta do is separate out the fears of things you can change and those you can't. As I wrote on another thread, I spend no time worrying about world conditions. I can't do a thing about them. Next, look at the things that cause fear and decide which ones you can fix. Then try to figure out how to fix them. You say you will never have a meaningful relationship. You feel that is true, but I don't believe it. The vast majority of people fall in love and get married. It doesn't always work out, but at least they give it a shot. You worry about the boyz in the hood? Well, if you live in a rough neighborhood, take precautions, that's all you can do. Even in bad neighborhoods the deaths per thousand is low. For more thoughts of mine, write them on a 20 dollar bill, one question per bill. Or, for free advice, send me an e-mail. I live in Dayton, so, perhaps we can visit either at my place or yours. Hi Ho Silver Awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

(((dantheman)))

Do not despair...you have your health and the ability to live life in a most rewarding way.

It is not until you have experienced something traumatic that you realise how precious life is...when the ability to live a full life is threatened...only then do you wish you could have had the opportunity to do things differently.

You are lucky Dan, you have the opportunity to live a full life...take hold of it...and enjoy it...and live your life with no regrets.

Don't let fear of what could or could not happen cloud your dreams. First of all, you can address each and every one of your fears you've mentioned:

1. Fear of never experiencing the love of a woman.
Get on the internet, download ICQ or other chat programs...join a dating agency...don't rush, take your time...and be choosey

2. Fear of terrorists nuking American cities and destroying life as we know it in the west.
Don't waste your life worrying about it...keep working and generating income, go on holidays...buy a new car...carry on living...no matter what.

3. Fear of poor urban blacks, a culture I don't understand that I live right in the middle of.
Move to another neighbourhood if you feel seriously threatened. If not, take up a self defence course. Or, move to Australia

4. Fear of my family dying.
I can relate to this fear. Be prepared to accept that life is about thrills and spills...sometimes bad things happen. For as long as your loved ones are alive and well, be good to them...always tell them you love them...and understand that some things are out of your control.

Now it is time for you to spend the next 17 years devoted to repairing the damage from the last 17 years. If you were waiting for 17 years...then you wasted 17 precious years of your precious life. Stop waiting...start living.

Hugs

~Beck~

Edited by - beck_melbourne on 16 December 2002 22:18:27

I've spent the past 17 years of my life waiting for the world to go completely mad. It seems like we're getting nearer and nearer to that.

It looked a lot worse in the 60's than it does now, Dan.  And it looked worse during WWII.  People survived those times of trial, and the world and life continued on.  I started school in 1959, when kids were taught in elementary school how to crouch down facing a wall with our hands over our necks to protect them from flying debris.  The schools drilled us in it regularly in anticipation of the inevitable nuclear war with Russia.

Good and bad times come and go.  We can't see the future.  What we do have in our control is what we do with the present.  I will not be caught throwing away perfectly good moments of my life worrying about bad stuff that might happen in the future.  I'm using my moments to enjoy life now, while it's happening.  Hope you'll see fit to do the same.

 

( Dan )))..

I've changed so much since this time last year.  It's like I've crammed 5 years of growth and experience into one, it's a little overwhelming at times.

I think I'm experiencing ego death, I hope that doesn't sound hokey.  I've been an egotistical dumbshit for most of my life, and I feel like I'm finally breaking free from that, but the unknown is scary.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, as Bowie says.

Fellow Danman,

***If I make it through this point in my life, I think I will be a much better person.***

You have already done it.

Seldom do you hear someone so far gone, on the brink of 'giving up', say the words you just did. We each feel all the downer's of life you listed, some to a greater extent than other's. It is that one ray of hope 'making it through this point in life' that keeps us all going. You are not unique Dan, join right in with the rest of us.

Stress imo is a direct result of fear. Fear of losing your job, creates daily anxiety.  Couple that with all you mention, it is easy to dwell on.

Larc's attitude is very helpful........it is a formula that works for me, and it will for you as well.

From one Dan to another......just writing down your fear's is a step ahead, in getting past them.

Danny

 Hey Dan,

What do you do for a living? Maybe you can move to a nicer town.

TR

Seeing as how I'm forced to post from my Evil Twin account for now, my advice will be suitably scathing:

Dude, you need to get your head on straight and GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CITY.

Really.  Some folks like city life a lot, you don't sound like you do.  Get a nice pad out in the country (NOT A SUBURB - just as bad as cities), genuine country-like.  You'll be surprised how much getting back in touch with nature helps.

Cities are an abomination - they dehumanize us, detach us from what really matters.  If you know that moving in to one, and move out soon, you'll be fine.  I can't imagine how people survive living there.

ALSO!  You should travel around the country.  Get to see some of the beauties of nature.

Course, I'm pagan, so biased.

But, generally, nature = healing.

Get out, enjoy it.

Join some sporting clubs - Kayaking is a blast, as is simple canoeing, archery, whatever gets you outdoors.

MEET PEOPLE!

(EDIT: country doesn't mean 'hicks-ville'.  I'd never live somewhere further than 30 min from a Best Buy or grocery store, and CERTAINLY never anywhere without DSL internet access.  Yet, I'm definately out in a small town area).

Edited by - XandersEvilTwin on 16 December 2002 22:41:25

Dan, I am very lucky that I had only one day in my 42 years when life did not seem worth living.  I had little ones to take care of by then, and I stuck around for their sake.  There is nothing like being in charge of a new life to make one hope again.  You have not been around long enough to know if life is worthwhile or not.  During my generation, I feared that we would be nuked by the russkies.  Or by the US by mistake trying to stop the russkies.  In the seventies, I didn't bother to get a driver's licence, because we all knew there would be no oil left by the eighties.  I lived to see the Berlin Wall come down. I cried.  Even though that wall was half a world away, it was a burden on my soul. 

I found out that the prophets of doom are often wrong.  There is something beautiful about simple living.  The network of friends and loved ones, watching flowers and children grow.  Perhaps, Dan, if you did less living in your head (worrying about things) and more living outside (meeting people) you would find more meaning in life.

Dantheman

You have already been given some excellent advice.  I don't want to sound too metaphysical, but the things we focus on do tend to manifest in our lives.  Remember the line from Job:"Lo, the very thing I feared has come upon me".  Look for the good and praise it. Do some serious thinking about what you want to do with your life and then begin to do it, one small step at a time. 

*listening to a little Allman Brothers on the stereo*

Duane Allman, a guy who died young and yet lived fully while he was alive.

I need a book or something about people who triumphed over adversity.  I started reading "100 Years of Solitude" recently, but it got real sad and I had to stop.  Any suggestions?  Please, no Chicken Soup for the Soul or something corny like that.

Here's an example of my condition:

I moved into my house last Spring.  One of the reasons why I wanted a house of my own instead of continuing to live in an apartment was because I was tired of looking at white walls and beige carpet.

Well, the people who lived here before me painted all the interior walls white before they put it up for sale.  I've been wanting to paint the living room for over 7 months now, but I can't.  Why?  Because I can't decide what color to paint it!

I am going to paint my fucking living room this weekend if it's the last thing I do!  Purple with orange and yellow polka-dots if that's what I have to do to get it painted for chrisake.

On a certain day of the week, our Home Depot puts out discount paint that another homeowner has returned (It wasn't the exact shade of peach).  Why not pick your colour off the shelf and go with that?

Your desire to branch out and live a little is healthy.  Sure, take a risk.  Join a club.  Venture out of your comfort zone.

Hi broccoli hair, (awesome visual, btw)

Life is 95% crapola, 39% sleeping, 24% feeling like shit, and 79% doing the same old day-to-day dork-wad routine that you never signed up for (!) nor feel like doing.

.000000003948578% is magic.... and I don't mean the 'casting spells' kind of magic; it's a flash of something that happens like when you're listening to "Whipping Post" or "Blue Skies" or channel surfing and surprise ! Marlon Brando describing "horror" (uh, not a good example I guess, but IMHO Marlon Brando could read box of macaroni and cheese and it would be "magic")

Or the few moments when you can't imagine being anywhere else in the entire universe than the place you are in at that precise moment because it is SO GOOD

Usually, feeling loved has a whole lot to do with what I'm talking about.... I don't know if you have had to lose your family in your exodus from the borg or not, but if you have, finding 'new' family takes TIME... but it does and will happen... you just have to hang on and wait, okay?

In the meantime, spew all you want and we will read it. One of my favorite 'feel better' books is "The Myth of Sanity" by Martha Stout, PhD... many survivor stories in this

love, lauralisa

Beck_Melbourne advised:

Or, make friends with their mamas. You might find black women older than yourself easier to approach. Just be neighborly. Might want to read Geoffrey Canada's Fist Stick Knife Gun first, though.

gently feral

dantheman: Fear is the mind killer.

Beat the fear. Move on.

Craig

LL, you're a lady after my own heart!  Blue Skies was the song I was listening to last night when I posted.

Thank you all for your comments.  I'm feeling a little better this morning, I managed to get a few chunks of decent sleep last night.

Sundays and Mondays are hell for me.

Never experienced being loved by a woman..... I can actually help you out there. There is a site that I visit quite frequently, and it has a great discussion forum that I take part in quite regularily. It's helped out my dating life incredibly. Go to www.sosuave.com - the discussion forum is temporarily down right now, but there's a lot of other things to read on there.

BTW, my username on there is NOT Nosferatu - someone else is using that name. Hope this helps.