Sexual Abuse of wives in the Borg

There has been a lot of attention on child abuse in the organization. And justly so. About time too. I was sexually abused while a child in the borg. When it came out, the elders and my mother chose to put me in foster care and keep the abuser in the home and congregation - supposedly to keep me safe.

I believed that at the time. I was only 12 - what did I know?

Since that time I have realized it was only one of the cover-ups entailing sexual abuse in the JWs.

When I was 16 I went back to live with my mother. My step-father who had abused me was no longer around so it was "safe" for me to come home from the foster home (more than 500 km away)

Within a year I was baptized and just after I turned 18 my mother arranged a marriage for me with a newly converted "brother". Within 2 weeks I knew this was a terrible mistake. In the fifteen years of our marriage I regularly had to deal with his sexual demands - many of them unwanted and forbidden by the organization. He became an elder after about 8 years.

At one point I was in a cervical collar for weeks due to an extremely painful neck injury. He took what he wanted. During my second pregnancy the doctors said "No sex" due to the high risk pregnancy. He didn't care and took what he wanted - when he wanted. If I was sick or tired - nothing mattered as he waved the Watchtower and a Bible at me to get me to provide the "marital due" gawd how I hate that phrase! He told me on a regular basis that he would be forced to commit adultery and I would be blood-guilty for his actions. Somehow he could never see scriptures that spoke of the woman as a weaker vessel or to love your wife as yourself - always managed to turn it back to him wanting to do just that - love his wife. Blows my mind now just it did back then.

I felt ashamed and dirty. I thought I was a terrible wife. I hated sex. I went for therapy - to get me to enjoy sex - pretty hard to do when your partner has only one agenda - to satisfy his needs at the expense of the other person. Most of the time I wondered what was the difference between me and a prostitute. I figured they got paid in cash and got to choose who they went with. I was stuck with the same person every day and had to clean up after him too and got room and board.

This almost killed me. The gritting my teeth for it to be over. The anxiety waiting for him to come home - knowing what was coming next. The relief when he went out knowing he wouldn't be home for a while. The pretending to the world that we were the perfect little JW family and I was the perfect JW elder's wife. It almost killed me.

I thought of dying every single day. I spoke with a few people and asked them to watch out for my girls if something should happen to me. I taught them how to take care of themselves if I was not around. I made my plans.

But I did not want to die. I wanted to live.... and be free.

There is no honorable way out of this organization. There was no honorable way out of the marriage. I already felt lower than scum so I did the one thing that would give me my freedom. ADULTERY. One time.

It turned into a horrible experience. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't. I went home sore, bruised and bleeding.

When I finally got the courage to tell the elders disfellowshipped me. My husband told the elders how he had treated me during our marriage. He told them that for 15 years he had sexually abused me and made all kinds of sexual demands on me that were forbidden. He got a small tap on the wrist. No public reproof. No disfellowshipping. Nothing.

We divorced and 2 years later he married a sister in the congregation. Everyone talked about how God was blessing him by returning what he lost - a wife and 2 daughters. She took it for ten years and left him too. Committed adultery to get away from him.

He is free in the congregation again to find another sister to abuse.

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My point for this is not to ask for pity. But to express the kind of sexual bondage that a lot of JW wives go through. I know I was not alone. I know that the borg is a breeding grounds for men who cannot control their sexual demands. They have little ability to relate to other people - their wives included. And the borg grants them the authority to take what they see as "theirs". To many of these men a wife is simply a tool to satisfy their sexual appetite. Wash the clothes, put food on the table and provide sex on demand. And they know the wives cannot go to the elders and be heard. I was told to do my wifely duty cause I sure wouldn't want to be responsible if he sinned.

I guess raping your wife isn't considered a sin.

I was out of the org and marriage for about 4 years when I found a book on marital rape. I was shocked that there was a name for it. That I wasn't alone. That in fact it had happened to so many other women that it had been studied and was a recognized problem. That was a relief. The borg had branded me a sinner for a one-time event. It gave him absolution for my 15 years and the second wife's 10 years - 25 years of sexual abuse from just one man

Want a figure - estimate minimum 2 times a week for 25 years (2 x 52825 = 2600) holy crow - 2,600 separate acts and he gets absolution.
(1560 during my time with him). Staggers the mind.

The WT org has a lot more to account for when it comes to the issue of sexual abuse in its ranks.

Aspire to inspire before you expire

LADY LEE U R NOT ALONE as far as marital rape is concerned...Probaby why I went the single parent celebate lifestyle once I divorced the schmuch aka Brother Ayers now decd due to natural causes...it is 22 yrs now since I split from HIM--Incest is a hard thing to deal with too BUT We take one day at a time anyway...LIFE IS NOT A BOWEL OF CHERRIES but it is a damn sight better NOW THAT WE R NOT JWs that is for damn sure -- have been out 11 yrs now....PEACE queenie / Lisa and Mamie kitty (Meow and a few hisses to)

Another nail in the coffin...excellent...

"If men were like their personal ads, they wouldn't need personal ads."

Thank you for sharing your story, Lady Lee.

I hope for all the women who lurk out there and can relate to Lady Lee's story, there is help and there is freedom.

Hugs,
j2bf

I have heard of similiar cases. And they look like very nice guys.

also i have seen how jw women control their jw husband restricting their physical access to the male.

Also, i have seen jw woman married to CO who provide physical access to another man other than their husband. Mainly because the CO is too busy taking care of... Yes i have seen good jw man having his life wrecked by a controlling woman. It works both ways, but woman are more sophisticated, they use better tools, of course they are more intelligent in many ways.

I am sorry for all you have sufferred, Lady Lee.

Did you know that part of Bill Bowen's good work at http://www.silentlambs.org/ includes ABUSEDlambs and BATTEREDlambs?

I would urge you to visit his site and share your story there as well.

Wishing you peace and healing,

- Nathan Natas, UADNA
(Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America)

Dear Lady Lee;
This is the part of domestic violence that is often not given any attention. Society understands physical, verbal, emotional abuse but rarely do we talk about sexual abuse. Usually in domestic violence all of these abuses are used to gain power and control over you. That is what your ex-husband was after. He got off on controlling you, and because of his religious belief felt he was justified in his behavior. Obviously JW religion allows him to continue to perpetrate on others since he was never even disciplined for his actions. Marital rape is a crime!!!!!!!!!

Be proud of yourself that you freed yourself from his abuse. You have set the example for your children that this type of behavior is not acceptable.

Marital rape is the least reported of all crimes and the most difficult to prosecute. I believe this happens to women in many different religions that are male dominate like the JW's.
Happy mother's day!!!!
Leslie

Thanks for sharing your story, I am really sorry to hear about the pain you've had to suffer. This kind of thing really opens my eyes to this organization. The WTS swears up and down that they are God's spirit directed organization, but would God's spirit be upon men who abuse their families?

To all you sisters out there. You must not keep this to yourself. First you must let be known throughout your congregations to all the elders and then start telling all the sisters that you are friends with and if you have any friends in the neighborhood mention it to them too. You are saying , this guy is nuts. I am, but I worked in an anti-domestic violence organization and there are certain steps you must take for the court systems, police departments to take you serious.

Second you start documenting (and I mean today this very minute) each act of verbal, physical, mental, and sexual abuse. I mean write everything down in a journal, because you want to be able to give dates times, and actions. This will help with police investgations, at the time you choose to leave the bastard.

If any authority ask why you waited so long to bring out the details . Tell them that you were afraid for your life and for the damage your situation would do with the children.

The circle of violence gets worse with time the more the abuser demands and the more you have to give in to him the more frequent the abuse will happen.

Please go to any domestic vilence organization they will give you free advise they will become your advocate and many will show you how in many steps to get your affairs in order so you can slip away with your children to a safe house. Many organizations will even take it to the DA office and they will prosecute.
They are leary of doing so because so many women drop the charges and it becomes a wasted court date.

If there is any questions about your enjoyment of sex ( which there should not be by any authority) tell them You enjoied sex and making love up to the point where you were forced to have sex at his beck and call.

The important thing is have documentation of all acts.
I am going to upload some info for you all. Bare with me.

With all due respect LadyLee but I'm not buying this rape thing.
I was raped once by someone. That man was much older bigger and stronger then me. I never would have put myself in a situation for that to happen again.
Now your saying that this man raped you not once or twice but two times a week for 10 YEARS!
When I was married if I didn't want sex or my partner didn't want sex we simply said no. But I am sure there were times we had sex when one didn't want it but we didn't call it rape.
I am not doubting that your ex was an asshole, or control freak or just a wicked person. But volentarily having sex with your mate two times a week for 10 years then calling all those times rape, come on.

rielly,
sexual abuse is defined by USA law as:
Forceing you to have sex when you don't want sex. both male and female.

2. Force acts upon you that you don't like or want to do.
3. criticize your sexual performance.
4. Deny you sex.
5. force you to watch or have sex with others
6. threathen you with harm if you don't desire sex.

I don't know if you are a man or woman, but if you consent to any of these points you have legally been raped.

You may enjoy being raped or you may not feel with your background that you are being raped. You may even get turned on by these things I am not auguring with you. Many males as well as females like rough sex, but to those who don't and just like date rape are forced to have sex then it is a different animal.

My fiance was raped by her husband, they were separated and he burst down the door and raped her. Now he was still her husband. In your mind was she raped or just having enjoyable sex?
7. sex is said or unsaid duty you must perform.

Advance heart & vascular Specialists
Ram K. Singh, MD., F.A.C.C.
4432 S. Eastern Ave.
Las Vegas, NV. 89119
" This man saved my life, after my heart attack."

Hell is truth seen too late. H.G.Adams

Lady Lee,

Thank you for bringing up this subject. I read this board regularly, but am usually too shy to post, but when I read this topic, I just had to say something.

I too, have lived this particular brand of sexual/emotional abuse. I have been married for nearly 30 years, and things have finally improved in the last 4 years, because I finally stood up and said that I wouldn't take it anymore. I only wish I could have gotten away with being thusly exploited 2 times a week. My husband expected sex every day, and according to him, that was a compromise, he would have preferred 2 or 3 times a day. For 90% of our marital life, we never went more that 2 days without sex. I hated it.

Mathematical calculation: conservatively, 4 times a week x 52 weeks x 26 years of the worst = 5,408 acts of enduring sexual abuse.

Many, many times I was told how deficient I was, how miserable I made him, etc. And many, many times, I had the scripture about giving one's mate their due thrown in my face. But his favorite tool was emotional blackmail. If I didn't 'put out' as required, even in the 9th month of pregnancy, he would pout and refuse to speak to me or be a part of family life. And I took this, at least in part, because I thought it was a requirement of God that I submit and endure to be pleasing to Jehovah. Of course, this kind of atmosphere quickly kills any affection one could have toward her husband. I have spent many years viewing sex as just another household task which must be done to make things run smoothly and keep peace.

Several times elders were approached about this, but the general response was to read the standard 'marriage' scriptures, and little else.

Orielly,

I would never want to minimize the anguish of suffering an overpowering or violent sexual assault, and maybe the term rape is inadequate to describe the disturbing marital situation some of us have endured. And no, at least in my case, physical force was not the fulcrum of coercion; instead the leverage was wielded through emotional manipulation. Nevertheless, what I, and others such as LL have lived is a violation of the most egregious sort. And unlike the isolated act of criminal rape, this continues for years, with the object of the exploitation being forced to daily greet as a companion the perpetrator of the abuse. Not only that, we can't even (in the WTS) reveal our miserable state, but must put a smile on our faces and act like we are happy to have a spiritual head, a husband in 'the truth'. In the meantime, we are left to deny ourselves, and numb our own sexuality just to survive.

As I said, usually I am too shy to post, so please, if I have said anything to offend anyone, I'm sorry, and be gentle with me.

Ok let's go through this

Firstly Queenie - I knew there was something strong under that personality of yours - Thanks for sharing - yup I stayed single for fifteen years after my divorce. Finally met a man worth being with. :)

Joy - always good to see you around (((HUGS)))

One - yes they do seem like nice guys - I made sure no one saw what this one was really like and after I left the women in the cong could not wait to beat his door down.
I agree too that a lot of stuff goes on the other way too. Men are not the only abusers. I have met a few real nasty women in my time and felt sorry for the men who were just as trapped - if not more so - than I was

Nathan - thanks - I have considered it and will contanct Bill when I am ready - my story is already on my web site and on Freeminds

Leslie = as an abuse counselor now I can better understand the toll this takes on women and the family. I am free and my daughters are free of this misogynist organization.

Leander - My point exactly when it comes to this so-called spirit-begotten org. I used to hate it when they said God would take care of it in his own time and I should be patient. No one on this earth who goes through a relationship like this should have patience for it to be dealt with. God helps those who help themselves

Rekless - excellent advice - an exactly what women (and men) who are being abused need to do to get out of their abusive relationships - thanks

oreilly oreilly oreilly - what do do with your comments

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With all due respect LadyLee but I'm not buying this rape thing.
I was raped once by someone. That man was much older bigger and stronger then me. I never would have put myself in a situation for that to happen again.
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First I am sad that you even had to experience this once. Good for you that it has never happened again. In my mind once is too much.

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Now your saying that this man raped you not once or twice but two times a week for 10 YEARS!
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No it was the second wife that stuck it out for ten years - I stayed for fifteen. And Yes that is what I am saying

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When I was married if I didn't want sex or my partner didn't want sex we simply said no. But I am sure there were times we had sex when one didn't want it but we didn't call it rape.
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I am glad you have a man that treats you with respect. I didn't. He was in this for himself. He had no consideration for me. He didn't even have any consideration for our unborn child! How does a woman even begin to want to have sex with a man like that? What else would you call it? How long would it take for you to want to stop having sex if your husband didn't care how you felt, whether you were sick? or in pain? on medication? or just tired? How long would you want to have sex with him if as soon as he was finished he got up and walked away and left you lying there exposed, cold and alone. How long would you want sex with him when he would hurt you and not stop if you cried? What would you call this?

I am remarried to a wonderful man who does not force me to have sex. I have learned to enjoy it and yes there is a difference between doing it when you are not in the mood but want to please your partner and someone taking what he wants and then walking away.

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I am not doubting that your ex was an asshole, or control freak or just a wicked person. But volentarily having sex with your mate two times a week for 10 years then calling all those times rape, come on.
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How voluntary does any of the above sound to you? Submission is not voluntary. I had a husband who used the power of God to force his will on me. I had the elders backing him up. I had my mother telling me I could not come home and had to stay with my husband. Leaving meant losing my family, friends, religion and God. Forced sex was the only thing I ever knew - from the time I was 8 years old until I was 35. My father, step-father, uncles, friends of the family, neighbors, strangers - all men taught me that sex was a man's perogative and a woman's duty. It really is amazing I want anything to do with them at all.

YES I call it rape
When you lie there feeling dirty.
When he gets up immediately after to clean himself and then to go study his Bible some more
When I am sick or in pain.
When I just am not in the mood
When the thought of him touching me makes my stomach turn over.
When it took ten years to even be in the same room with him without wanting to throw up
When you believe you have no choice
When there is no where else to go

Sadly this is the reality for far too many women. As truman points out 2 times a week is pretty conservative for this kind of abuse. I know that most women have a much more difficult time and what Truman reports is actually pretty close to the norm for these men. Gosh I wonder if he wasn't at me that much because he was so busy studying and going out in service and counseling other JWs on how to be good "Christians".

With ya in a minute Truman

Aspire to inspire before you expire

Truman aka Tr-wo-man

(((HUGS))) my heart goes out to you. I knew that my case was pretty mind compared to what some people experience. That you for finding the courage to post. I cry for you - for what you have gone through and how you have found the strength to stop it.

I know what you mean about keeping the peace. When mine wouldn't get it he was so miserable. I would give in so he wouldn't attack the girls. He was physically abusive to them - when he wasn't neglecting thm or shoving borg stuff at them.

I never found the elders helpful. We had many talks with them and always the same old same old. Nothing constructive or useful and never ever was he counseled. I had a very high risk pregnancy and started labot at 4 months. By six months I was on total bed rest and orders for no sex - too risky - the amoniotic sac had ruptured and the doctors would not even do an internal for fear of infection and damage to the baby. That didn't stop him either. She was born a month early - healthy but no thanks to him.

As much abuse as I have gome through I just will never understand men like this. That is probably a good thing. That is a mind I want nothing to do with.

And not one sigle word of what you said was offensive - BRAVO for speaking your truth

Aspire to inspire before you expire

(((((((LEE))))))))

I'm so sorry and saddened by your story. But it just amazes me how you've dealt with it and become such a strong and beautiful person. I get sick reading and talking about the abuse that went on and is going on in the org. But I think that is because I am not ready to deal with the range of emotions that is necessary to heal from it all. Its being swept under the rug right now for me emotionally because I feel so much better that I dont want to go back to being miserable.

I dont know how you did it but my goal is to be just like you when I'm your age. Healed and strong and able to see that you didnt deserve anything that you got.

Thanks so much for sharing.

flower

Oh flower - one day we are going to meet. My heart just goes out to you.

Take the time you need to be stable - to find the earth under your feet - to be with your little boy and create a life together.

There is healing in just that. The hard work will come in its time when you are ready for it. There is no rush. I will be 50 yup the big 50 in 5 weeks - there is plenty of time to heal old wounds and grow into the you that you were meant to be. ((((Flower))))

Aspire to inspire before you expire

Thanks Lee...I think we have the same birthday dont we? I'll be the big 3-0 on the 14th of June.

Truman, ((((((((hugs)))))))

flower

You know it sickens me to think that I put up with emotional abused 30 years.

And my husband once knocked me to the floor right after I had a knee replacement on my leg. Of all things he wanted me to stand at the stove on crutches and make him old shake the pot kind of popcorn. He didn't like the microwave kind. Well I was mad and frustrated and his inconsideration and lack of love for me. So I made the popcorn and handed it too him. I then smiled and knocked it from the bottom into the air, and popcorn went flying all over the kitchen as the bowl became air born. The pure hatred in his eyes is still marked on my mind. Well he grabbed me and started shoving me around the kitchen, and finally shoved me hard to the floor. Now here I am with a hughly swollen leg on crutches, and couldn't begin to keep my balance. He hurt my leg, and bruised my arms with the grip he had on me. He wanted really bad to punch me in the face, but didn't.

Well my three teenage sons 14,13, 11, all launched on him and started beating him with their fists. I was so proud of them. My husband got them to stop and he got up and appolozied to the them and to me. He has always been nasty and hateful to me all our 30 years of marriage, and though he had never done anything like that before it was an evidence of the hatred that he felt for me for a long time.

I left him 3 years later, when my Lost love from high school, and I found each other and began talking online. He and I had never lost our love for each other, and both of us were in horrible marriages.
In time he left his marriage, and I told my husband I was leaving him a district convention. I had enough of this abusive attitude that revailed with the WTS. Women being submissive to brut like men.
I know the majority of men are not that way. But far too many are among the witnesses. I have know not less than 10 women physically abused by their witnesses husbands over the 30 years as one.

My sweetheart and Lost Love is the one of the most kind and gentle men I have ever known. We have been together for 10 months now and plan too marry as soon as I obtain my divorce in 2 months. I went to the elders and told them I committed adultery and was leaving my ministerial servant husband. He wanted me back, I said no way packed and left him. My sons and I have wonderful relationship, and they have accepted my beloved. It wasn't easy for them in the beginning of course leaving their Dad, but it is fine now. My beloved shows them love and kindness they have never known either with their Dad.

I know that as woman we are encouraged too often to remain in abusive marriages in the borg. My husband committed adultery several times on me, and repented and was disfellowshipped one time. But always the Elders insisted it was my job to stay with him even when he was disf'ed. Then in 1983 they stopped doing and saying that, but I had already taken him back too many times. But my life is so much different. I have a man who loves me and kind and loving all the time. Even when things get tough for him sometimes, he never takes it out on me as my ex-husband did. What a world of difference.

All us survivors of the WTS mentality concerning marriage, and staying in horrible marriages we are free now. I know many men too have suffered with evil minded wives. So it isn't just us women who suffer but the guys do too. But everyone we are free finally, Freedom is sweet.

Balsam

Hooray for you Balsam and wow to find a lost love and be with him. Good for the kids too. How sad though that they were ever in that position to need to defend you.

the borg just does not understand the horrific damage done to people who are the victims of violence and to the children who have to witness it.

The price of our freedom from an abusive marrige was to leave our religion and social community. In the final analysis an excellent deal. I thought I was losing something when I was forced out. In reality I gained everything.

Thanks for sharing.

I have learned along the way that by sharing my story I can offer hope to other and freedom form the isolation that the borg places on victims of abuse whether they were child victims or adults. Together we can offer support and encouragement to each others and to those who are still trapped in a system that tells them that their abuse is somehow God's will - to test them and their patience to wait on Him. Poppycock!!!

We need to set ourselves free of this tyranny and oppression

Aspire to inspire before you expire

i AM NOT DOWN ON MEN please do not get me wrong--and there is probably a man out there worth being with BUT I am stuck in my ways / enjoy sleeping alone in my twin size bed/watch what I want on my own TV and sexual desires THAT DIED within me years ago probably around the time I found out brother bastard Schmuck Ayers (NOW dead)...i have HAD lots of heavy duty therapy from some of the best therapist (my opinion) putting IT bluntly SEXUAL PERFORMANCE is not important to me in a relationship even male to female...WELL i HAVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF BEST I CAN...PEACE