Would this bug you?

I have a friend, she has been my friend for over 20 years...In that 20 years I have seen her reasonably regularly. I visit her, she visits me.

The thing that has started bugging me is this.....

When I visit her it is normally in the daytime. I stop in for a cuppa and a chat. When she visits me, it is always in the evening, always at dinner time and always assumed her and her son will be fed. This has always happened.

now while I have no issue with having friends round for dinner...shouldn't they be invited to eat?

She has arranged again to come tonight...and will bring dessert...already assuming she will be fed and watered. The bring dessert thing just ensures dinner is included in the visit and only happens occasionally. I get the impression it happens when she senses she shouldn't be inviting herself.

The other thing that bugs me, is there is NEVER any offer to help clean up. Not even taking plates to the dishwasher or putting them on the bench. I cook the meal, I clean up the meal, and then I spend all evening making sure they have hot and cold drinks.

My question is...am I being mean spirited? She is my friend after all, and maybe it is just that we are so comfortable around each other that this behaviour should be seen as good. Almost like family. Or, is my niggle justified. Is she taking the piss?

What would you do?

we teach people how they can treat us...

what have you taught your friend?

oz

I have a sneaking suspicion you are right...how do I change that without offending? I don't like feeling I am being taken advantage of. It makes the friendship feel unballanced.

I have actually commented in the past...about helping out and not having things for dinner. Occasionally there clearly isn't enough to spread around. Maybe I'm too subtle?

How to change things?

Start showing up at her place at dinner time, expecting to be invited to say and don't bother helping with the clean up, and see how she likes it.

LOL Scully...I would NEVER do that...besides...I would still be waiting for an invitation, I wouldn't have the nerve to show up with dessert.

So, earlier she text me saying she would bring dessert...(no invitation)...I replied that I suppose I better find something to cook...she replied....I don't mind, anything will do.

What should I have said? I hate being rude to friends...I am aware that some things I think are rude actually aren't...but I just haven't figured out which. Can you tell I grew up in a dysfunctional home?

This thread is worthless without pictures.

Thanks James

Ok...I'll admit, it hasn't just started bugging me...it has bugged me on and off for years..

But sometimes it doesnt bother me...maybe I just have pangs of wanting to be treated better.

I will bring the bones!

NOLAW

- Tell her that you are very busy to cook and ask her to cook!

Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you handle it without damaging your friendship?

That's quite a conundrum. I know it would be hard to do, but maybe you can nicely point out to her how she does it all of the time, and how it bothers you. If she is a real friend, she will understand. If you do invite her over for dinner, ask her to help with the cleanup. I know that she should automatically be considerate and insist on cleaning the dishes, but it appears that unless she is asked to help, she will just assume you will continue to do it like always.

In regards to the latest situation tonight of her saying that she will bring dessert, tell her that Dessert would be nice, and you will be sure to have a pot of coffee ready to have with it (no dinner). You should not have to make a whole dinner for her and her kid if you don't want to. A real friend would not assume that you will cook for her/him anyways.

If she feels offended, or puts up a fuss, it will show that she is just a user and not your real friend. Friendships and relationships are give and take, and it seems that she is quick to take, but not interested in giving anything in return.

IDK. Some friends you would go to jail for before you betrayed them, and some friends are .... basically worthless.  Ask to borrow something from her.

ohio...thanks for the advice...I agree that would be a great thing to do. I think I just don't have the nerve.

All I can picture is her face as I nicely say that to her...and her being really offended and not hearing from her again...that may not be realistic...but thats what I feel.

I tend to only do that type of thing when I can't stand it any more and by then I really don't care....very dysfuntional I know...but I am trying to do things differntly.

I have to go with TH68...Ask to borrow $500

trans...she would lend me anything...I know...she has before. That is why I am questoning if I am being unreasonable. Maybe things are ballanced but in other ways. But I just can't get past inviting yourself for dinner, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I am not trying to say she isn't a good friend, just this particular behaviour I have had enough of.

When we change our outlook on life, and begin to value ourselves more, it sometimes becomes apparent that current relationships are less than ideal. 

You have changed, and perhaps, no longer feel the need to please; that's good.  Can your friend accept the new you?  Maybe it's time to find out.

t

TOTH...she would if she had it...but she has always been broke. This is half the problem. How can I feel like that about someone I know doesn't have a lot. Is it selfish. If it is, I will suck it up and get over it.

Just make soup. Break out a loaf of bread. Something very small...or collect money for take-out pizza.

Maybe, if it is just her and her son, she is lonely at supper time, and wants to have human interaction, a family type meal and doesn't realize she is being obtuse. If her not helping with the dishes bothers you, why don't you suggest "Jane, why don't you help me dry the dishes.

tal...for some reason what you just said made me cry.

Honestly guys...it's not about the food. It's behaviour, what is normal and what isn't, what to tolerate, what not to, and how to deal with it...I'm on a learning curve again.

Anyway...gotta go sort out dinner...they will be here soon. Thanks all.

Aussie...I know you are right..I'm just trying to figure myself out. Thanks for hitting it on the head straight away.