Sometimes writing to myself is therapy. I thought I would share

GROWING UP

Taught that the whole world will end any time

Everyone in the town I live in will die

Everyone I go to school with will die

They will all be bird food.

Maybe, if I am a good boy I may get the chance to see this happen.

Maybe, if I am a good boy I can help clean up their dead bodies.

Maybe, if I am a good boy I will see my Uncle again.

Maybe, if I am a good boy I will see my grandfather.

But I don’t feel like a good boy.

I don’t feel worthy.

I am afraid that I won’t make it.

I am afraid that I will.

MARRIAGE

Got lucky. Best wife anywhere.

Love. Joy. Happiness.

Responsibility.

Struggle to be spiritual head of house

Struggle to earn a living.

Something is missing.

Children? Do not have children.

The whole world will end any time.

Don’t bring children into this system.

Years pass. Ache for child. Empty inside.

FATHERHOOD

Rebel. Have a child.

Light, love, joy! 

Gift from Jehovah. 

Oppressive weight. More responsibility. 

Worry for her. Scared for the future.

Must train her right.

Study. Study. Study.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

Make progress in congregation.

Hope. Maybe I do have a chance!

TRUTH ABOUT THE TRUTH

Discover organization is deceptive

Deceptive about joining the UN

Deceptive about false prophecy

Deceptive about what they predicted for 1914 

Deceptive about blood transfusions

Deceptive about history

Heart broken. Disillusioned. Hurt. Confused.

What else are they deceptive about?

How can this be? God does not lie.

They speak for God right?

What is the truth?

Afraid to know. Stick my head in the sand.

Sweep it under the rug. Do not look. Do not ask.

Anger. Confusion. Paralyzing fear.

Discordance. Stress. Swirling contradictions.

Afraid to put it out of my mind.

Afraid not to.

ALL ALONE IN MY HEAD

No one I can talk to.

No one to answer these questions.

No one that understands.

If I ask for answers no one can help

If I share what I know I will be branded

Branded by all my friends

Branded by my family

Branded by my wife and daughter

Ostracized. Shunned. Looked down on.

By everyone I know and care about.

Demonized for sharing the truth.

I must keep quiet.

TIME IS NO FRIEND

Time gnaws at my conscience.

Do I warn my wife?

Is my daughter on the same path?

What will happen to her faith when she finds out.

She will find out. 

Will she lose faith in Jehovah?

Will she lose faith in the bible?

I almost did, to regain it is a fight.

I fight I don’t wish on anyone.

Is ignorance bliss?

MEANWHILE

In the meantime

Work. Work. Work.

Work. Work. Work.

Few friends. 

No one to open up to.

Kidneys hurt. Fat.

Getting older. Health does not seem well.

Hope still glimmers like a ember in a old fire.

Fan it. Read the Bible. 

Study. Study. Study.

Research. Research. Research.

It flickers. Wavers. Will it burn?

IS IT TOO LATE?

What about the promise? Have I lost my chance?

The chance to live forever.

What do I do?

God wants us to serve him in truth.

I know he is forgiving.

I know he cares.

I do not know what to do. 

Confusion, discord, depression.

TORN APART

I am being torn apart.

Pulled one way by all the people I know and love.

Pulled the other way by my conscience.

What do I do?

What do I do?

I don’t know.

Very poignant, Indian Larry.

I've sent you a PM.

Indian Larry your post reveals emotions most of us have felt. The war within us between what we believe, who we love, and the actual facts.I am so sorry you are hurting. Does your wife give any sign of being receptive to some JW info? Keep writing. We will keep listening.

Lots of questions.  Answers come slowly.  Hang in there.

yow!

Thank you for sharing.

We all relate to some parts.

Some relate to most.

A few relate to everything.

Thank you for putting our thoughts into words.

Thank you for sharing; and keep writing. 

@Ding – Thanks for the PM and the offer.  I may take you up on that one day.

@3rdgen – My wife listens to me sometimes, but no matter what I say the F&DS is still the F&DS to her. I am having a hard time getting past that. She does admit their stance on blood fractions had no biblical basis. And just yesterday she was saying that she felt guilty because she felt she should be in service. I managed to read her most of the Chapter in Raymond Franz' book In Search of Christian Freedom on reporting time. I guess that went okay.  Her eyes were all puffy by the time we were through but at least it was not a major fight.

She is a 2nd generation witness who is very very close to here family. Her mom is an active witness her dad is not baptized (he smokes) but he does go the every Sunday meeting and has for years. She is super super close to her sister who is married to a brother from a very large all witness family. His family has some members in Bethel some involved with Circuit Assemblies etc. It would be very hard for her sister to get out. They have no clue how I feel.

Most of my family and friends know the local elders made a pretty big obvious mistake that involved myself. Too long of a story to go into, but everyone knows they were wrong, no question about that. I was a MS and stepped down two other elders left the congregation. The rest just think I am not there because of the problem with the local congregation. Actually I don't really care about that at all. People make mistakes, I understand that, no one is perfect.

It is different however when you claim to be God' sole channel of communication and rigidly enforce shunning on anyone who does not agree with you.

Anyway, I am running on. Bottom line is I am 3 years into a pretty successful fade, but I am making no real progress with my wife. I know I have it better than many on this board but to me it is all such a mess.

By the way, I too am a 3rd ten witness. My parents are very elderly and have some medical problems, they love me and I love them. I HATE to disappoint them, but I can't just go through the motions for them either. Sometimes I talk with my father about things, he shuts down and gets very very angry.

@for everyone else. - Thank you for your thoughts, I really do appreciate the opportunity to vent a little. : )

Wow.

yay for this.

I understand completely! 2nd gen born-in, can't fade, it's soul destroying.

Recommend 'Hurt' the Trent Reznor song sung by Johnny Cash

Love that song Designs!

Indian Larry--I don't have any children, but I understand the fear of disappointing , and possibly losing your family. I have tried to gently approach the subject with my mom, and it seems like her brain cannot process what I am saying. She just gives me the same one size fits all, canned responses. Breaks your heart. Makes you wonder why you were able to free yourself, but they are not. I guess for some, it is their whole life (which is what the org. wants), and they cannot even wrap their head around being outside of it. I was lucky enough to be disfellowshipped and see life on the outside. It hurts so badly to know that your friends' and family's love is conditional.

I am glad that you have found the truth about "the truth", but I am sad for the complications and heartache that comes along with it.