My Story not for the weak of heart

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    TotallyADD posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 01:57:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 10 of 1019
    Joined 1/10/2011

    A year after my parents were baptized I was born in 1954. That same year my father was appointed presiding overseer and remained in that position until the early sixties despite the fact he was still smoking. He gained the position by default because he was the only baptized man who could read. Thus began my life course of abuse, neglect and cult thinking. My father's fanatical zeal exposed me numerous times to verbal abuse and threats of violence especially in field service by people who hated J.W. They did not care what age you were. This all started before I started school at the age of five. To this day I can't believe how this organization is willing to expose young ones to this kind of treatment. Because of my parents bad upbringing they loved this way of life, it gave them a feeling of structure and self importance. They always love to say when they felt they were right was we have the truth so we must be right. By the time I started school I was afraid of people because they were worldly, it caused much anxiety in my life something I now recognize from therapy I have had. From the start I was obligated to take my stand on saluting the flag, holidays, and birthdays in school. Here I was a 5 year old making adult decision not knowing why I had to believe this. All now I remember I will die at armagedon if I do these things. Needless to say I spent a lot of time sitting in the hallway by myself. My first the second grade teacher did not like my relgion so I sat behind her desk, not being part of the classroom. The funny thing is when my parents came for a teacher-parent conference, she would move my desk back into the classroom with the other kids. One may ask, "Why didn't I tell my parents about this?" Two reasons; first I was frightened of my father's anger that he manifested in various forms; second my teacher told me if I said anything to my parents I would be in even worse trouble. By Seven I have had experience a lifetime of abuse. By then my older brother married and left the house. As he told me in later years It was the best thing he ever did. From this pioint onward I was totally alone at the house because my parents were both working. The problem here was we lived out in the country 3 miles from town. Two months after my brother got married the new P.O. of our congregation moved into a travel trailer on my parents property. I was happy to see him move in because I had someone to talk to. Also he played the harmonica. One month before my eighth birthday a friend close to my age was visiting from out of town and came over to play with me. Things were going well when suddenly I could not find him. I ran over to the PO's trailer. Without knocking I walked in. I caught this man standing over my friend stark naked. The man started screaming at me not to move as he was fumbling to put his pants on. Just before he was able to grab me I ran out of the trailer. He chased me. Just before I got to the back door of our house he grabbed me and threw me to the ground, jumped on top of me and started strangling me. I was not able to breathe and I thought I was going to die. He must have realized what he was doing and he stopped choking me. At this point he told me I'd better not say anything to my parents or anybody else because he only lived a few feet from our house and he could come in at night and kill me. I remember picking myself up off the ground, dragging myself to my bedroom, and sitting on the the edge of my bed shaking and wondering why Jehovah hated me and I knew he was going to kill me soon at armageddon. I don't remember much of what happened after that or to my friend, it's kind of a blur to me. I do remember that a month later he moved out. That summer my parents were wondering why I was acting so sickly. Of course they wouldn't take me to a doctor because the medical profession was part of Satan's system. Their reatment was always take more viamins, I hated those one a day vitamins. In the fall of the year I started the third grade in a new school. It was a rural school with three rooms and two grades in each room. So I had the same teacher for the next two years. If you thought my first and second grade teacher was bad. This one made here look like a saint. On a daily basis this teacher would ridicule me and my so called faith in front of the whole class, causing everyone in the classroom not to like me. I was made fun of daily. I felt even more isolated. No holidays, birthdays or anything days for me it was all bad, so I was told. Jehovah is so proud of you, yeah right. I got the persecution why my parents got nothing but pats on there back for being such good parents. By the fourth grade my ADD really started to kick in. My teacher would get so mad at me because according to her I was day dreaming all the time. By my Fifth grade year I had a great teacher for the first time in my life. He made sure no one made fun of me and he help me catch up in my education. I will never forget him. I felt like I was part of the class. Even though things were going better for me a school, at home things were taking a turn for the worse. My parents quit going to meetings because of their business.. My dad was a well-known and poplar musician in that area since he was a teenager. When I was eleven on New Year's Eve dad's former band asked him to play. He agreed because the money was good. Dad left for his gig that evening and mom and I stayed home. After dad left that evening mom got a phone call from a friend to go to the party where dad was playing. She accepted and left me home alone. An hour later she came home extremely angry. Dad came home soon after. A ficious fight broke out between them. It escalated to the point where mom began hitting dad and pulled a knife on him. They soon realized I was standing there watching them. I ran to my bedroom crying, slamming the door behind me. Soon there was silence in the house. I cried myself to sleep that night. For the next several months dad slept on the couch. They rarely talked to each other. All I know is I never received an apology from them. They then started back attending meeting. As time went on and to this day they have been held up as fine examples of Christian parents. I will stop here for now and tell more of my story at a later date. This is quite draining on me but it is great therapy for me. Thanks for listening. Happy now Totally ADD

    journey-on posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:08:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 4669 of 5333
    Joined 2/28/2007

    I normally don't read lengthy personal stories that are not formatted with paragraphs, but as I began to read yours, I couldn't stop. So much heartache, fear, guilt, and confusion for a small child to deal with. So happy you're happy now, Totally ADD!! Looking forward to the rest of your story.

    Evidently Apostate posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:11:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 163 of 265
    Joined 8/26/2010

    WOW! i am sorry you were put through that . i have seen the abuse JW children are subject to all for praise to an organization. they are the group that suffers the most and i think as they continue to rebell is larger #'s they will do the most damage to this cult

    M OnTheWayOut posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:12:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 12806 of 18543
    Joined 9/8/2006

    They were not anti-smoking in the 60's so that is no big deal about your dad.

    To this day I can't believe how this organization is willing to expose young ones to this kind of treatment.

    Well, yes. You call that right. It's tended to be worse for young ones, as the adults rarely have trouble with patriotic pledges or holiday songs or birthday celebrations or peer pressure like kids get.

    Telling your story is great therapy. Thanks, but you got me hooked. I need the rest soon.

    F AudeSapere posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:12:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 3978 of 4493
    Joined 2/2/2006

    Tough to read without paragraphs so I put some in. Hopefully in appropriate places as I have not read this yet... -Aude.

    A year after my parents were baptized I was born in 1954. That same year my father was appointed presiding overseer and remained in that position until the early sixties despite the fact he was still smoking. He gained the position by default because he was the only baptized man who could read. Thus began my life course of abuse, neglect and cult thinking.

    My father's fanatical zeal exposed me numerous times to verbal abuse and threats of violence especially in field service by people who hated J.W. They did not care what age you were. This all started before I started school at the age of five. To this day I can't believe how this organization is willing to expose young ones to this kind of treatment.

    Because of my parents bad upbringing they loved this way of life, it gave them a feeling of structure and self importance. They always love to say when they felt they were right was we have the truth so we must be right. By the time I started school I was afraid of people because they were worldly, it caused much anxiety in my life something I now recognize from therapy I have had.

    From the start I was obligated to take my stand on saluting the flag, holidays, and birthdays in school. Here I was a 5 year old making adult decision not knowing why I had to believe this. All now I remember I will die at armagedon if I do these things. Needless to say I spent a lot of time sitting in the hallway by myself.

    My first the second grade teacher did not like my relgion so I sat behind her desk, not being part of the classroom. The funny thing is when my parents came for a teacher-parent conference, she would move my desk back into the classroom with the other kids. One may ask, "Why didn't I tell my parents about this?" Two reasons; first I was frightened of my father's anger that he manifested in various forms; second my teacher told me if I said anything to my parents I would be in even worse trouble.

    By Seven I have had experience a lifetime of abuse. By then my older brother married and left the house. As he told me in later years It was the best thing he ever did. From this pioint onward I was totally alone at the house because my parents were both working. The problem here was we lived out in the country 3 miles from town.

    Two months after my brother got married the new P.O. of our congregation moved into a travel trailer on my parents property. I was happy to see him move in because I had someone to talk to. Also he played the harmonica.

    One month before my eighth birthday a friend close to my age was visiting from out of town and came over to play with me. Things were going well when suddenly I could not find him. I ran over to the PO's trailer. Without knocking I walked in. I caught this man standing over my friend stark naked. The man started screaming at me not to move as he was fumbling to put his pants on. Just before he was able to grab me I ran out of the trailer. He chased me. Just before I got to the back door of our house he grabbed me and threw me to the ground, jumped on top of me and started strangling me. I was not able to breathe and I thought I was going to die. He must have realized what he was doing and he stopped choking me. At this point he told me I'd better not say anything to my parents or anybody else because he only lived a few feet from our house and he could come in at night and kill me. I remember picking myself up off the ground, dragging myself to my bedroom, and sitting on the the edge of my bed shaking and wondering why Jehovah hated me and I knew he was going to kill me soon at armageddon.

    I don't remember much of what happened after that or to my friend, it's kind of a blur to me. I do remember that a month later he moved out. That summer my parents were wondering why I was acting so sickly. Of course they wouldn't take me to a doctor because the medical profession was part of Satan's system. Their reatment was always take more viamins, I hated those one a day vitamins.

    In the fall of the year I started the third grade in a new school. It was a rural school with three rooms and two grades in each room. So I had the same teacher for the next two years. If you thought my first and second grade teacher was bad. This one made here look like a saint. On a daily basis this teacher would ridicule me and my so called faith in front of the whole class, causing everyone in the classroom not to like me. I was made fun of daily. I felt even more isolated. No holidays, birthdays or anything days for me it was all bad, so I was told. Jehovah is so proud of you, yeah right. I got the persecution why my parents got nothing but pats on there back for being such good parents.

    By the fourth grade my ADD really started to kick in. My teacher would get so mad at me because according to her I was day dreaming all the time.

    By my Fifth grade year I had a great teacher for the first time in my life. He made sure no one made fun of me and he help me catch up in my education. I will never forget him. I felt like I was part of the class. Even though things were going better for me a school, at home things were taking a turn for the worse. My parents quit going to meetings because of their business.. My dad was a well-known and poplar musician in that area since he was a teenager. When I was eleven on New Year's Eve dad's former band asked him to play. He agreed because the money was good.

    Dad left for his gig that evening and mom and I stayed home. After dad left that evening mom got a phone call from a friend to go to the party where dad was playing. She accepted and left me home alone. An hour later she came home extremely angry. Dad came home soon after. A ficious fight broke out between them. It escalated to the point where mom began hitting dad and pulled a knife on him. They soon realized I was standing there watching them. I ran to my bedroom crying, slamming the door behind me.

    Soon there was silence in the house. I cried myself to sleep that night.

    For the next several months dad slept on the couch. They rarely talked to each other. All I know is I never received an apology from them. They then started back attending meeting. As time went on and to this day they have been held up as fine examples of Christian parents.

    I will stop here for now and tell more of my story at a later date. This is quite draining on me but it is great therapy for me.

    Thanks for listening.

    Happy now Totally ADD

    F Gayle posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:22:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 2279 of 4502
    Joined 11/17/2006

    I am so saddened. Please accept my grandma hugs.

    hardroad posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:29:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 3 of 4
    Joined 1/17/2011

    As someone who had this religion forced down my throat from birth I understand the isolation the fear and the guilt, but you've suffered so much more. I hope this is indeed good therapy for you, and I guess it's really nice that those of us that are ex dub just get for the most part how you feel and I think thats something of a relief most people and definately for me.

    Looking forward to part 2 Totallyadd.

    LivingTheDream posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 02:46:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 59 of 294
    Joined 12/27/2010

    TotallyADD,

    I like how you ended this with "Happy Now". This tells me you have a happy ending to this horrible story which I know means you are out.

    Keep telling your story and get this off your chest in this forum. Just putting it into words will do you a world of good and the people here are wonderful listeners and supporters.

    I wish you the best myself and hope you can heal from these bad memories.

    LivingTheDream

    Violia posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 04:04:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 1012 of 3559
    Joined 4/11/2009

    Thank you for sharing your personal life story. I too look forward to hearing the rest.

    I can relate to a lot of your story, esp. the teachers at school. I had some very similar experiences. So many of the younger ones have no idea what kids had to go through back before there were laws that attempted to protect children. Teachers could and were often very abusive and there was little protection for kids. We can't have enough protection and laws concerning our children b/c of horror stories like yours.

    brotherdan posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 04:39:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 3190 of 3892
    Joined 4/6/2010

    TotallyADD:

    You brought tears to my eyes. I could not help but imagine my own children in your situation. It is amazing that you are stronger than 7 million other people and able to see that this WASN'T your fault. This was the result of some VERY bad people and an organization that is willing to protect them.

    I hope you know that you will be able to come here and have friends that will stick by your side. I have acted, in a few cases, very immature on this site. And yet the people here have been willing to forgive.

    Please know that we are here for you and want to be your friend. Again...I am so sorry that you had to deal with this. Just let it be a motivation for you to protect others from having to go through these same experiences.

    Your friend,

    Daniel

    factfinder posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 06:03:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 378 of 2289
    Joined 9/1/2010

    Totally ADD- I am sorry you had to experience such a terrible childhood. I am glad to know things are much better for you and that you are happy now.

    cantleave posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 08:17:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 5135 of 13299
    Joined 6/25/2009

    Thanks for posting. .'m glad you are happy now,

    Amelia Ashton posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 09:18:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 138 of 1921
    Joined 11/2/2010

    So glad you are happy now. Hugs.

    M wobble posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 09:18:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 3877 of 5745
    Joined 2/20/2008

    Welcome A D D ,

    And a huge hug from fat Uncle Wobble ! thanks for posting, and looking forward to hearing more of your story, your road to recovery story may be very helpful to others too.

    Welcome again. All the best to you and yours !

    nancy drew posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 13:34:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 785 of 2203
    Joined 7/21/2009

    M I quit! posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 14:50:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 1897 of 2491
    Joined 3/24/2005

    Wow! That's crazy. I can't imagine what it is like having a childhood like that. I'm glad you are happy now.

    Reopened Mind posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 19:57:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 18 of 391
    Joined 6/26/2010
    One month before my eighth birthday a friend close to my age was visiting from out of town and came over to play with me. Things were going well when suddenly I could not find him. I ran over to the PO's trailer. Without knocking I walked in. I caught this man standing over my friend stark naked. The man started screaming at me not to move as he was fumbling to put his pants on. Just before he was able to grab me I ran out of the trailer. He chased me. Just before I got to the back door of our house he grabbed me and threw me to the ground, jumped on top of me and started strangling me. I was not able to breathe and I thought I was going to die. He must have realized what he was doing and he stopped choking me. At this point he told me I'd better not say anything to my parents or anybody else because he only lived a few feet from our house and he could come in at night and kill me. I remember picking myself up off the ground, dragging myself to my bedroom, and sitting on the the edge of my bed shaking and wondering why Jehovah hated me and I knew he was going to kill me soon at armageddon.

    What TotallyADD doesn't say is that it took months of therapy for him to remember this incident. He knew he had buried something as he learned he was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress. He was relieved when it finally came to light and through therapy he gained the tools to deal with it. We walked around and around our neighborhood as he struggled to cope with his past. Not having grown up a Witness I found much of his experience hard to believe. However since after reading many of your experiences here and elsewhere I have come to realize that not only was he not exaggerating, but he probably has not told the half of it.

    Reopened Mind, wife of TotallyADD

    F snowbird posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 20:46:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 20514 of 23468
    Joined 5/2/2007

    (((((((TotallyADD)))))))

    Syl

    Found Sheep posted Fri, 28 Jan 2011 22:14:00 GMT(1/28/2011)

    Post 567 of 3453
    Joined 5/13/2009

    I too don't read all the long posts but after I started yours I couldn't stop. I'm sorry you had such a crappy childhood and so glad you are now happy.

    Welcome and peace to you

    Band on the Run posted Sat, 29 Jan 2011 17:34:00 GMT(1/29/2011)

    Post 417 of 9932
    Joined 12/18/2010

    My childhood was horrific, too. My father was a bodyguard to Rutherford and Franz. He was selected for his brute strength. The entire family was severely abused. There were several moments of fighting for life itself. I was scapegoated. The worse was when he took us to a cliff overlooking Manhattan. It was very high. I was about four, my bro was two. My bro had cerebral palsy and wore heavy leg braces. In front of a large crowd, my brother was dangled off the cliff. Tears flow as I clearly recall, how he screamed for mercy and his face was beyond red with fear. No one did anyting. Confronting my father would have been stupid, but covertly taking a license plate and calling the police would have helped.

    When I had a full body cast on at fifteen, he'd came close to flinging me down a steep flight of stairs. He also knew where to hit to avoid visible bruises. My teachers knew but looked the other way. He was dying from heart disease when I was 16. He was sleeping with AM radio on my brother's FM station. Fm was wonderful then. When I took the radio to listen, he woke up and trapped me in the bathroom. He placed his body as a wedge against the door. I was so evil and causing his death that I was going to watch him die. I freaked. Despite massive amounts of adrenalin, I could not budge him. He was massive and intent on resisting with every fibre of his being. He was having trouble breathing. It was not faked. I disassociated. Altho we lived on top of other hourses and I screamed with every fiber of my being, only one neighbor called the police. The siren sounded so blessed and I was stunned by the drama. When he heard the siren, he ran down the stairs and popped a nitro people. He told the police how no good I was. They told me to stay away from him. I retorted, shocked at retorting, I can stay away from him. The problem is he won't stay away from me. They did nothing. No follow- up questions were asked.

    Earlier, I wrote to a fashion mag for advice. Never did I consider consulting JW. He screamed he could kill us with backup from scriptures. The mag referred me to a social service agency which did nothing concrete. They were very concerned I was going to be raped by him. Finally, a clear rule was set that I must obey. I could not be alone with him. My mother or slightly younger bro had to be present. Something in me snapped. I started to fight back. He lost all legitimacy and I sought guns and knives to even the playing field. His next deviant action was he knew I adored school. It was my haven. He could not beat me there nor berate me. He said I was going to be pulled out of school b/c I was bad. My punishment was to bag groceries at the supermarket under his gaze. I knew i had to get a court order and go to foster care. Fortunately, he died before moving on his plan.

    Yet he spent many countless hours preaching and terrorizing Catholics. I never understood his sheer hatred of them. Does this sound Christ like? The neighborhood was in a uproar b/c a nun was brutally raped in a church during off-hours. We lived in Mafiosa land. No one doubted that the perp would soon be dead. My mom had a devout Catholic friend at work. While they were all in the car, my father reacted to the crime by saying that the nun deserved it for being a Catholic nun. Lying and deceit were immoral. When he left visible bruises, both parents yelled at me and ordered me to lie or else serious further harm would come to me.

    My mom was forever traumatized by being expelled for the flag salute at fourteen. My uncle, who scored the highest in NJ, had less than one week to graduate but he, too, was expelled. He could have attend Juiliard on scholarship. She was forced to not salute by her mother. We were allowed to salute the flag as long as we did not tell my father. The problem arose in junior high school when some Witnesses attended the same school. Thankfully, a large segment of black students did not salute as a political statement. I was not black, however. Approval of my teachers meant everything to me. Elementary school during the Cold War would have been unbearable. This was made worse by my father declaring we were Russian, which was not true. Half of the school day was spent with Cold War propaganda about Russia. I was terrified of them.

    It truly hurt as a kid to have so few toys that neighbor kids refused to play with us. Yet I heard at Christmas that we get toys all year. What lies! We lived in an insular neighborhood where 98% were Catholics. Everyone assumed we celerbated. The priest had to say bad things about the Witnesses. When I lost my father, friends told me they sent no condolence cards b/c they did not know JWs wanted them. I overcompensate in my present life by people-pleasing. I am addicted to the praise of people for whom I have no respect.

    Whenever I relate my family of origin story, I feel guilty. The damage has been life long. I relish moments when I reflect how narrow and truly harrowing my life was as a witness. The world is so nice in so many manifold ways. Sometimes I pinch myself. I must confess it as a rush for me to be on this site only a few weeks and to be able to relate my Witness experiences to others. Normally, I would have to give a crash course in the Witnesses to paint the background. Validation is wonderful.

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