Rejected by Immediate Family

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    LoriJis posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:26:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 59 of 58
    Joined 9/16/2009

    As most of you know, my husband and I DA's ourselves almost 8 months ago. The communication with MY family stayed pretty normal. They would call once in a while and text me. My sister would keep in touch with me and let me talk to my nephews. Not every day but once in a while. Today I called my mother (we used to work together before I got laid off) to ask her to get me some paperwork that I needed from my old job. She was very short on the phone. I told her I had went to see my aunt (her sister) - who is not a witness - and my mother wasnt happy about it. I told her I was keeping in touch with my aunts and uncles (that are not witnesses) and try to reconnect with them. As a born-in witness we were not allowed to associated with our non-witness family. So now I wanted to reconnect with them. My grandfather called me who i havent talked to in at least 5 years. And i told my mother because I was excited. Her response was: "Yea i told him about your tattoo and he was upset and wanted to talk to you". I'm like serious? Does the family have nothing better to do than talk about me.

    Then she asks me: "Are you happy?" I said yes why. Her response: Well, your celebrating birthdays, halloween, christmas, you smoke and you got tattoos. Are you happy with your life? Is this what you wanted" My heart shattered at that moment. I thought that my family was somewhat supportive - guess I was wrong. I told her that yes i was happy and i knew that she was disappointed in me but that i was sorry.

    Then I ask my sister to let me talk to my nephew and her response was: "My husband and I had a talk with your nephew and explained that until you decide to come back he's not allowed to talk to his aunt". Then she says "the same way you want us to respect your decision of leaving, you should respect the consequences of your decisions."

    Consequences of my decisions.....hmmm.....here's my thought. If you truly want me to come back (not that I will) wouldnt you think it would be easier embracing me rather than shunning me out. My "worldy" family who i have not seen or talked to in at least 6 years are all getting together this weekend for New Years and have invited me and I am going. I want to meet cousins I dont know I have and would like to meet my husband which they havent met. This to me is family. They are not judging my decisions. They are including me - even though I've abandoned them. They accept me no matter what.

    So how am I supposed to feel when my witness immediate family (parents and siblings) wont talk to me and my non-witness family who hasnt heard from me inyears accepts me with no questions asked.

    I am soooo upset, depressed and everything. I usually do things impulsively but i'm thinking about sending them all an email saying how i feel and then just letting them know that i will be disconnecting from them from now on.....any suggestions in this situation?

    sabastious posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:30:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 2455 of 9407
    Joined 2/3/2010
    Then she asks me: "Are you happy?" I said yes why. Her response: Well, your celebrating birthdays, halloween, christmas, you smoke and you got tattoos. Are you happy with your life? Is this what you wanted" My heart shattered at that moment. I thought that my family was somewhat supportive - guess I was wrong. I told her that yes i was happy and i knew that she was disappointed in me but that i was sorry.

    She's making a very unhelpful assumption: that "celebrating holidays, smoking and getting tatoos" somehow constitutes a "life."

    How could one possibly take that little information and use it to judge the life of another human? It's ludicrous logic and should be treated as such.

    -Sab

    sabastious posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:31:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 2456 of 9407
    Joined 2/3/2010
    Then I ask my sister to let me talk to my nephew and her response was: "My husband and I had a talk with your nephew and explained that until you decide to come back he's not allowed to talk to his aunt". Then she says "the same way you want us to respect your decision of leaving, you should respect the consequences of your decisions."

    I feel your pain... same exact scanario has played out in the lives of many on this forum. Have you read Combatting Cult Mind Control?

    -Sab

    sabastious posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:34:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 2457 of 9407
    Joined 2/3/2010

    Consequences of my decisions.....hmmm.....here's my thought. If you truly want me to come back (not that I will) wouldnt you think it would be easier embracing me rather than shunning me out. My "worldy" family who i have not seen or talked to in at least 6 years are all getting together this weekend for New Years and have invited me and I am going. I want to meet cousins I dont know I have and would like to meet my husband which they havent met. This to me is family. They are not judging my decisions. They are including me - even though I've abandoned them. They accept me no matter what.

    So how am I supposed to feel when my witness immediate family (parents and siblings) wont talk to me and my non-witness family who hasnt heard from me inyears accepts me with no questions asked.

    I am soooo upset, depressed and everything. I usually do things impulsively but i'm thinking about sending them all an email saying how i feel and then just letting them know that i will be disconnecting from them from now on.....any suggestions in this situation?

    Write the letter, pour your heart out. Then read it over carefully then make a decision on whether to send it or not, that's the best advice I can give you. I did the same thing many months ago and it helped me greatly.

    Just remember this though, if you send a letter make sure you send it for yourself. If you have an preconceived expectations on how they recieve it, DO NOT SEND IT! It will just be used against you and will further this painful experience.

    -Sab

    Stealth posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:36:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 483 of 885
    Joined 8/7/2001

    The loss of extended family is one of my biggest regrets of being a witness. Of course this was all out of my control and was told that 'they' did not want anything to do with us because we became JWs. We got together on a regular basis with extended family until we became JWs, then it all ended.

    Embrase your extended family. Understand your being upset, but don't think it would do any good to email them. It would just validate their actions of shunning to try to get you to return.

    F AudeSapere posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:37:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 3870 of 4471
    Joined 2/2/2006

    I think it's always a tough call - dealing with JW family.

    Nice that you have non-JW family (and hopefully other good friends) to create memories with. Cherish those relationships. Make them your 'family of choice'.

    I'm having my own troubles with JW family members so no good advice for you except to foster other relationships.

    Hugs. I feel your pain.

    -Aude.

    sabastious posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:40:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 2458 of 9407
    Joined 2/3/2010
    Embrase your extended family. Understand your being upset, but don't think it would do any good to email them. It would just validate their actions of shunning to try to get you to return.

    Sending a letter or email will probably have this effect on their end. What one must do when deciding to send it or not is to evaluate why he/she is sending the letter. I personally sent many letters because I wanted to make sure my voice was out there. Sure it was taken and distorted and worked into the rumor mill and used to demonize my character, but my voice was heard, and for some reason that was important to me. It's not important to everybody though.

    -Sab

    pirata posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:41:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 876 of 1419
    Joined 12/31/2009
    sending them all an email saying how i feel and then just letting them know that i will be disconnecting from them from now on.....

    I wouldn't say that YOU'RE going to be disconnecting them. Don't let them put the blame on you. If anything I would emphasize your love for them and let them know that you'll always be available to talk should they one day decide that shunning family members because of they changed their religious beliefs is not the way of love ("Is it Wrong to Change Your Religion?", Awake! 2007 Jul p.29). When they pull the "you left Jehovah" card, it's good to explain that you don't feel you left him because either you don't believe in God anymore, or You don't believe that God is using the organization, or whatever is the case.

    Darth plaugeis posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 19:48:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 2086 of 1928
    Joined 3/31/2010

    I feel for you.

    My decision to walk away from That Twisted Cult cost me my children.

    I could not survive living a life controlled by rules that changed when WTS saw new Light every 6 months or so.

    It's hard to deal with..... but the longer time goes by.... you realize (the old dating saying)...

    It's not me..... It's You!

    Do what you feel you must... Shun Me! Show Me your True Christian Love by Shunning.

    True Brotherhood and Sisterhood.

    In the old days I remember David Shunning Absalom.........

    Wait no he didn't.

    Hairyhegoat posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 20:14:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 90 of 470
    Joined 9/15/2010

    Me and my family left the cult last year and some of my jw family have not spoken to us in over 2.5 years. We were inactive for a year but that's all and still no contact from them!!! They judged me and my family as bad association so we have children that have cousins and uncles who they have never seen. What a nice bunch of people these jw's are!!!! My dad is a miserable serpent again now and since the special day assembly things have gone very frosty. I'm certain that he has been told to avoid us by the pupet masters.. My brother got married but they wouldn't attend.

    My advise to you is to move on with your life and shun your jw family as they have made their mind up about you. You have some good other family that are going to be there for you, your mom won't. How dare she treat you like this!!! The sooner you tell your JW family to get lost the better. You are better off without them. I know thats going to hurt but it's your life and not the WTBTS. Make 2011 the year you move on.

    And you are stronger than you think because it takes alot to up and leave these family behind. But you must and maybe soon the evil the WTBTS do to families will be there downfall . Amen to that !

    Hugs from

    HHG and family

    anewme posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 20:46:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 3237 of 3195
    Joined 7/19/2005

    I would NOT write any email right now. First envision the life you want for yourself. Envision the relationships you would like with all your family members. If, like me, you wish for a loving relationship with them all, then act in a loving way toward them all. This will pay off down the road, years from now.

    What they do with that love is up to them, right?

    I decided to leave town after my dfing. Months later I wrote to those I love that I missed them and was sorry for all the pain I created by walking away from the religion. I actually allowed them to encourage me. I even attended the hall for a while in my new town and told them so, but that did not last long as "the bird was out of the cage" so to speak, and was not going back. i write every now and then and once a year I visit secretively. I also got a job locally and a few former JW friends come in and say hi. I also see them at restaurants and we exchange smiles. Some even pat my shoulder upon leaving the restaurant.

    So I recommend visualizing a healing over the years and an adjusting. Also I have been immensely helped by this website and making new friends in the world. Understand that your relatives do not want to give up their standing in the JWs just to associate with you. They still love you but cannot associate with you. They miss you and are hurting too. But until they leave the org you will have to understand their restrictions. I recommend being kind and patient with them.

    And enjoy your new freedom!

    GrandmaJones posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 20:51:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 646 of 844
    Joined 9/15/2010

    I wonder if this has anything to do with either the elders school, which I hear the Co's have really been beating up the elders, or if the Feb 15th Watchtower that had some remarks about treating disfellowshipped ones is playing any part. It seems to be a change from what it was just a short time ago, so I just wonder. I am so sorry about what they are doing to you....

    M flipper posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 21:50:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 11193 of 17543
    Joined 3/7/2007

    LORIJIS- I'm so sorry you are dealing with this horrid treatment by your JW family. You don't have to put up with that behavior, yet you don't have to stoop to their level and imitate it either. My JW daughters 23 and 22 have shunned me basically for almost 7 years now. Occasionally they will talk to me, but rarely. But I have continued to sometimes send pictures of their inactive brother and me and my wife to them to show them we are enjoying life ! I also have told and written my daughters " that I'll always be here for you and our door is always open to you ". How can I do this ? Because I realize my daughters are cult mind controlled to act this way towards me with their JW CULT personality not their REAL or AUTHENTIC born personality. So I leave the door open hoping someday they may exit the cult themselves and I'll be here for them.

    So I advise you NOT to close the door permanently on your JW family as they may change in time, you just never know. Some of my JW family is hardcore and won't talk to me, but some are NOT hardcore and will socialize with my non-witness wife and myself. So just put your relationship with these hardcore relatives on hold for awhile and DO draw closer to your non-witness relatives as they will give you real, unconditional love and support ! I have drawn closer to non-witness friends I have and some non-witness relatives as well and it has been a GREAT help.

    And one more thing- Sabastious recommendation is right on- Please read " Combatting Cult Mind Control " & " Releasing the Bonds - Empowering People to Think for Themselves " . By reading these books it helped me to understand the WHYS and HOWS of what makes my JW relatives act like they do and it helped me to understand why I was the way I was as a JW too. It will really help you . Take care, stay strong , and please know we are with you here in spirit and available if you need friends to talk with ! O.K. ? Peace out, Mr. Flipper

    aquagirl posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 22:15:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 835 of 1383
    Joined 2/1/2006

    Lori,isnt it strange? And Ill bet that 99% of us on this forum has had almost the EXACT same thing happen.In my case,my sister had always been jealous of me,and now she finally had an excuse to act out on it.In Jehovahs name of course.Sounds like that might be going on w/you bit.Were you the pretty/smart one?Now is her chance to "even the score'.You cant change others ignorance sweetie,just do what makes YOU happy,and remember,"Armageddon is JUST around the corner"! lol

    Coffee House Girl posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 22:18:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 310 of 623
    Joined 1/8/2010

    I am in your shoes and understand what you are feeling- I did not DA but just walked away over a year ago, my JW mom carried on our relationship as usual, but since recent pressure from other JW relatives and elders, she told me today that she cannot do things with me any longer- her reasoning to me is "she cannot turn her back on Jehovah". I told her that I respect her decision but I will not turn my back on her and I love her.

    You need to keep the door open and show them what they cannot display...UNconditional love- they are restricted by rules and told that the love they display has to be only on their terms- my advice is to be the better person, don't close the door...

    I feel your pain too

    CHG

    M leavingwt posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 22:21:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 10385 of 14213
    Joined 6/16/2008

    I'm sorry that this has happened to you. The same thing happened to me when I left.

    aquagirl posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 22:27:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 838 of 1383
    Joined 2/1/2006

    Lori,this forum helped me more than I can tell you.Hang out w/us for a bit,youll see that not everyone is on "the other side".I wish you strength and happiness.

    M Finally-Free posted Thu, 30 Dec 2010 22:31:00 GMT(12/30/2010)

    Post 9569 of 9757
    Joined 7/15/2005

    I wouldn't contact them. They need to see there are consequences that come with their decision to shun you. If they do call you, restrict the amount of personal information you give them. They've already shown their willingness to use it against you.

    They need to learn that this sort of rejection can work both ways. As long as you chase after them you are giving them control.

    W

    mamalove posted Fri, 31 Dec 2010 02:27:00 GMT(12/31/2010)

    Post 402 of 972
    Joined 8/23/2010

    I know how you feel. So many of us do....((HUGS)).

    Until they are woken up, they will continue. They are poisoned mentally with the food of the lie. All you can do is continue to be happy and lead a good life. My mom, sister, and aunt and uncle and two cousins shun me completely. It hurts. Bad. One day maybe they will wake up. Hang in there darling!

    F LisaRose posted Fri, 31 Dec 2010 02:37:00 GMT(12/31/2010)

    Post 307 of 3620
    Joined 7/24/2006

    I don't think it will help you any to lash out at them at this point. Yes, being shunned hurts, but they have been brainwashed to belive that this is the only to "help" you. You have rejected their religion and their way of life and it hurts for them too. If you do write an email, just state that you wish to live your life as you beleive is right, and that you are comfortable with your decision and happy with your life as it is, and that you hope someday they will understand. We have all been in your place and yes, it hurts. Know that it does get better with time. I am glad you are reaching out to your more distant family, as this will help you fill that void left by you immediate family. You will also find that you will meet friends along the way, some who will become as family to you. Treasure these relationships. Maybe someday you family will come around, maybe not. In the meantime, live you life with dignity and love and they will see that leaving the religion does not make you a bad person or ruin your life. As they say "living well is the best revenge"

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