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Is regularly texting/phoning someone (not your partner) cheating?

    sacdfan posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:14:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 5 of 32
    Joined 6/26/2009

    Hello - can I ask you all for your opinions?

    If your partner (husband/wife, gf/bf etc) was phoning and texting someone approx 20 times per day,would you find it unacceptable? For example, if your wife was texting/phoning another brother (also married) 20 to 30 times a day, would you get suspicious? If your partner said it was innocent and all ministry-related, would you believe them? Would it still be unacceptable?

    Some of you may need to go back to your JW days - how would you have felt as an active witness - knowing how important the ministry was supposed to be - would this make it ok?

    littlebird posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:17:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 118 of 409
    Joined 7/16/2009

    I wouldn't find it acceptable when I was a witness, nor would I find it acceptable now.

    journey-on posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:19:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 3660 of 5333
    Joined 2/28/2007

    Unacceptable. Whatever happened to the appearance of something inappropriate? If it truly is "ministry related", then perhaps one might text 20 times in one day in an isolated incident. But, if it is day after day....NO. Just my opinion.

    F snowbird posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:22:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 12451 of 23468
    Joined 5/2/2007

    It is cheating - no ifs, ands, or buts.

    Sylvia

    F AudeSapere posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:30:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 3362 of 4443
    Joined 2/2/2006

    It's not just a JW thing. A 'Worldly' friend of mine has said for years: "Texting is for cheaters."

    20 times a day seems like flirting.

    -Aude.

    semelcred posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:30:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 14 of 29
    Joined 6/21/2009

    I ve done it and i am sure loads have. I think it is running into dangerous territory and if not with that person it leaves you open to temptation. If you cannot do something in front of your partner and be able to reasonable defend the action(s) then you are in a position of living dishonestly. I don't think a person is good or bad for doing it but the only time my own relationship has been healthy is when we both live honestly and rationaly with each other. The person doing the texting must ask themselves 'why?' is it boredom, a need for some excitement?

    xmkx posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:32:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 48 of 65
    Joined 12/25/2009

    I'm a little on the fence. I would say it depends on past behavior and also what other suspicious activity is going on. I and my husband both grew up getting along with the opposite sex better than we did the same sex. My husband is too "feminine" for most guys and I am too "masculine" for most females as far as interests go, so most of our friends tend to be of the opposite sex. I have one male friend in particular right now that I've been texting a lot and it's just because he's having a rough time right now (depression) and I'm probably the best friend he has at the moment and the only one that's encouraging him to seek therapy.

    If this person has a history of getting along better with the opposite sex and isn't involved in any other suspicious behavior such as hiding these conversations, becoming less emotionally available, sneaking out, etc. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

    OUTLAW posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:33:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 14244 of 23949
    Joined 10/11/2001

    20 times a day?..LOL!!

    Somethings up..

    Nothing right about that behaviour..

    ...................... ...OUTLAW

    HappyGuy posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:34:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 493 of 707
    Joined 11/9/2009

    Here is the rule I use on this type of thing. Would I care if my wife read it? If I don't care then it probably isn't 'wrong'. If I would care or have something to hide or believe that her reading it will result in claw marks on my face then there is something 'wrong'.

    I think no matter what is the content in 20 text messages per day that my wife reading them would result in claw marks on my face.

    M Elsewhere posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:39:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 18192 of 17906
    Joined 2/8/2002

    Texting and phoning is not, in of itself, cheating.

    However, it is a symptom of cheating and certainly needs to be looked into.

    Crux posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:42:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 11 of 30
    Joined 1/25/2010

    Steal the cell when they are in the shower and read the texts!

    And it's not cheating until you know all the facts. Supposing it all is innocent, it's inappropriate at worst.

    F Robdar posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:52:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 8827 of 9959
    Joined 8/12/2001

    I agree with Elsewhere.

    F snowbird posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 17:55:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 12457 of 23468
    Joined 5/2/2007

    http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/emotional_cheating

    Sylvia

    nugget posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:02:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 356 of 3905
    Joined 11/22/2009

    You say approximately 20 times per day so this is happening on more than one occasion.

    She says it is Field Service related but I am streatched to think what would require that level of communication. Times are preset and meeting locations pre arranged. Before the age of texting you turned up discussed where you were going and what return visits you were going on at the venue.

    I would ask her if the calls are to do with congregation business would she object to you seeing them to get an idea of what she does on field service.

    She shouldn't object. If the level of texting is bothering you then tell her use the feelings card rather than be accusing. Just say "I feel uncomfortable with the amount of time you spend texting this brother. I wonder how his wife feels about this?"

    It may be innocent but as a witness she is told she has to respect her spouses feelings and engaging in activities that would arouse jealousy are unacceptable. Using text messages to flirt with someone of the opposite sex is also unacceptable.

    iknowall558 posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:04:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 632 of 875
    Joined 3/26/2009

    Yes, its cheating. My Husband did this as a JW...supposedly helping some 'young' sister get over her latest boyfriend who happend to be his friend. They texted each other all the time....and when I said something about it, he then got secretive and would put his phone on silent to cover it up. This effectively ended our marraige as he ended up meeting her, without me knowing, for the purpose of consoling her, and one thing led to another. I wouldnt say everyone ends up doing this, but if a person is wise, they will realise that, although they may have no intentions toward the person they are texting,, they dont what intentions the other other person has towards them. Another thing that got to me was the fact, that the person on the other end of the phone, showed no consideration or sensitivity as to how I might feel about this phone relationship. I was the wife after all with his two children in the house, trying my best to get his attention....while she was distracting him.

    We all have close friends, but even with my closest friend......I dont txt or phone 20 times a day. Once is enough to say what I have to say.

    VoidEater posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:19:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 2513 of 3065
    Joined 10/30/2007

    On the other hand, I don't think everyone wants to be closeted in a straight-jacket 24/7 to avoid "too much" contact.

    Nothing like this is ever cut-and-dried. There is no absolute reference where friendship ends and cheating begins.

    The *only* yardstick is what two people agree to. Everything else is you projecting your personal opinions on another.

    Personally, I don't think anyone can carry on a 20 text exchange on FS. So my question is what really is the content of the texts. But that' doesn't make it cheating per se.

    Sorry about that - but negotiating boundaries is what grown-ups do.

    sacdfan posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:07:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 7 of 32
    Joined 6/26/2009

    Thanks for all the replies.

    The situation is as follows (I can't give too much away). My sister (real, fleshly sister - sorry - I hate that expression too, but just clarifying) is married to a pioneer who has been doing the texting/phoning. We suspect the person he is texting (an elder's wife) has also been doing the same - texting/phoning many times a day for at least the last 6 months. My sister happened to check her husband's mobile phone bill and saw dozens of calls every day from him to her, and she realised that he has also been getting more texts and calls than usual.

    The funny thing is, he has made calls to this woman at times when they were both in the house but she has NEVER heard him phoning her - so it is obviously being done in secret - in the garden, upstairs etc. She has never heard him having a conversation with her by phone - how odd! She checked some of his old phone bills and this has been going on for at least 6 months (as far back as she can find bills for). The elder's wife is also a pioneer and she is looked up to by most of the congregation.

    My sister confronted her husband and he swears it is all to do with the ministry, calls, Bible studies etc. He says she is being ridiculous and it is entirely innocent. My sister is in bits - she had a feeling things weren't right - he has been pretty distant lately and goes out for long periods. Personally, I can't stand my brother-in-law - he is a total prat! But I don't really know what to say to my sister - I don't know how to advise her. I am not in the same congregation as my sister - she is up north - but we speak regularly by phone. I hardly go to meetings any more - I can't hack the hypocrisy and lies.

    From your replies so far, and my own gut feelings, I definitely think there is more to this than 'ministry-related' stuff!

    M Finally-Free posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:24:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 8687 of 9757
    Joined 7/15/2005
    If your partner said it was innocent and all ministry-related, would you believe them?

    20 to 30 texts a day about the ministry??? How much can someone possibly say about the ministry??? The only thing more boring than the ministry is talking about it.

    I don't text, but the only time I've even thought about another person 20-30 times a day is if I was lusting after them.

    W

    M undercover posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:36:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 8452 of 13134
    Joined 9/25/2002
    Texting and phoning is not, in of itself, cheating.
    However, it is a symptom of cheating and certainly needs to be looked into.

    Good points. Just because some people text doesn't mean they're up to hanky panky. My wife is constantly texting. Girlfriends and some guy friends. You can tell it's not cheating in that she shares a lot of them... "Guess what Bob just said..." or "Hey Jack's at the game, he just texted me". No problems there. But if she were to start being sneaky about it, I'd have to wonder.

    And sometimes those of us who don't text, we might get a little jealous of the time our partner texts. I don't for the most part but it is irritating to be trying to do something together and that damn phone keeps buzzing with a new message.

    I hate texting so much that when my wife texts me, I call her. Then she says, "why are you calling. Why not text back?" "because we can have a 2 minute conversation in 2 minutes instead of spending the next 30 minutes covering the same ground by texting." So since I'm no fun at texting, she has to get her fix with her other friends, which I don't begrudge - cause it keeps me from having to...

    F yknot posted Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:43:00 GMT(1/27/2010)

    Post 5986 of 9299
    Joined 8/24/2007

    Well that is pretty easy to clear-up.......

    He should simply show her the texts......so as to confirm the content and context of the relationship.

    That said....it all sounds 'shady'...... I say turn the dumbass and Elderette into the CO!

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