A freshly minted Assembly Hall, as seen through the eyes of a free man

The program was Day 2 of the circuit assembly, but we'd been planning to catch the special assembly day (commonly referred to as SAD even by me before I woke up).  I always felt sad after the program every time.  Never doing enough, you know what I mean?  The new assembly hall is gargantuan.  Plenty of old assembly artifacts.  Reminded me of Prince Malagant's prison in the movie First Knight.  "It's called an ubliette.  That's French for 'a place of forgetting.'  No bars, no doors, no locks--just walls of air."  But it was attractive.  For $8,000,000, it ought to be.

They had the badges from old conventions, newspaper articles--even from the infamous 1966 convention where the wacky 1975 book was released.  My associate put in a donation.  I can't believe anyone's hard-earned money will be given to these crooks.  We didn't stay for the program.  It didn't sound like we were missing much--the same 'single people have more opportunities', cookie-cutter interviews with two single pioneers (one of whom broke off her engagement and pioneered, yet the emotional impact of that was completely ignored; I take it she goes home and has a bit of wine for the frequent cases of heartsickness), etc., etc.  Even so, I could already feel the guilt emanating from the platform.  It's powerful.  Could be sucked back in easily.

As we neared the assembly hall, there was a brother standing outside, watching as our child made the last few steps out of the rain.  He was intrigued, mentioned how long a walk it must have been for a baby, seemed friendly.  But as we parted ways, there was something about the robotic tone of his voice as he said, "Enjoy the assembly."  It sounded a lot like a command rather than the equivalent of the usher at the movie theater who says "enjoy the show."  There was something mildly unsettling about it.  Almost, well, a "heil Hitler" kind of sound.  I think for the first time, I felt genuinely creeped out by the place.  The lack of doors in the auditorium and bathrooms must have been an intentional part of the design.  Perhaps it is a reflection of the Party mindset: a not-so-subtle way of saying WE ARE WATCHING YOU.  THERE IS NO PLACE TO HIDE.

Anyway, that's comforting.  We watch each other, which means are backs are turned on the leadership.  A perfect circle.  Power at the top.  Control of all, with the assistance of the insects who are more than happy to police each other.  There is nothing but those walls of air.  The inmates love the wardens.  Is it a prison, then, or an asylum?  For those who know the wardens well enough, it is both.

Scientific American magazine had an article awhile ago about the fact that cheaters have no problem turning in other cheaters.  This is true in nature as well.  It's perfect--after all, if everyone cheats, no one benefits.  So the cheaters must rat out other cheaters in order for them to prosper.  If a few powerful ones do all the cheating, they win.  Hence the disfellowshipping arrangement, no?

Well...the other neat thing about the assembly hall was the feeling that like, 15 Brother Hounders were stalking the lobby area and getting uncomfortable seeing me standing there not going into the auditorium.  But, limited by the laws of the land and the law of Christ, hurting me and throwing me into the auditorium was not authorized.  They could only take action against me to a certain extent.  Being limited by the laws of the land.  Of course.  So I may have gotten funny looks, but nothing more.  Having the kid there engendered some sympathy. 

Soon, I will enter the first and last phase of my suicide mission, marrying into a religion the same year I discovered it is a cult that uses mind control on its members.  I am marrying a true believer who suffers from serious cognitive dissonance issues.  But having been dealt a hard hand with her mother, perhaps the Mother Organization became a safe haven for her.  They could've said Brother Organization, but perhaps they were too aware of the 1984 implications.  Besides, Mother > Son, right? 

Well, I know that the price I pay will be extraordinarily high.  But I volunteered.  I know what I'm getting into.  I've been inside all my life, after all.  I know what to expect.  Only part of this I've never experienced is (1) being an elder/MS and (2) being in a JC.  I'd like to record the latter, should it ever happen to me, just because they're so scared of that.  Princes who rule for justice itself ought not be afraid to be accountable to their subjects.  Cowards.

Anyway, there's my tale.  Too long, but fire away.

SD-7

Absolutely love your writing...more, more!

Hey Sd-7.

Edited: Nice summation of the assembly.  Once you take off the blinders and listen to the talks with an opened mindset, you find yourself wondering how you fell for such nonsense.

15 Brother Hounders were stalking the lobby area and getting uncomfortable seeing me standing there not going into the auditorium.

I remember those days well.  Trying to hang out in the lobby without being noticed or labeled as a loiterer by the attendants and have them come over and stand in front of you with their little "Please be seated" sign.

Soon, I will enter the first and last phase of my suicide mission, marrying into a religion the same year I discovered it is a cult that uses mind control on its members.  I am marrying a true believer who suffers from serious cognitive dissonance issues.

So, you're marrying an active JW?  And you're pretending to be active?  I know we've got our own battles when it comes to fading, but I can't help but point out that your kinda going in the wrong direction.  Getting married and then trying to fade is only going to create a very messy marriage.  It's bad enough when us long time married folks try to tell our spouses that we're done with the religion.  When you try to tell your wife and you spill the beans that you were mentally out even before you were married, it's going to be the death knell for your marriage.  Think very hard about saying "I do" when you really don't.  There's more to marriage than just attraction and love.  There has to be a common goal in mind.  You don't have that.

Forgive me if I stuck my nose in too far there, but I'd hate to see you trapped in a situation that is only going to get worse when you could avoid it altogether.

I see myself in your story, as well as a lot of others who have shared their experiences with me about being the lover of a JW.  I have this honest belief that the ppl who fill those pews are honest, loving souls who really thing they are doing the work of the Lord, and then ppl exploit their guilt and desire to good by God, and others.

Girlie--check your PMs.

Undercover--what part of "suicide mission" did you not understand?  I know that this is insanely dangerous.  That's the point.  After learning the reality of it all, I nearly lost my mind, made bad choices.  Why make worse choices on top of that, right?  True.  The only reason I can come up with is because I just don't care anymore about right and wrong.  I just...don't care about anything.  They took her away from me years ago, and I found a second chance.  Even at the price of my life, even, if necessary, at the price of my mind, I choose to get her back. 

A free man can choose to return to slavery for reasons that seem unjustifiable to others who have found their freedom.  I can't say it's logical or sane.  But the train is pulling out of the station now.  I can't stop it.  And even though it will run me down, I am not afraid.  I've had everything else taken from me.  I've nothing left but her now.  One day, I may lose her, or be reprogrammed.  That's the chance I'm willing to take.  There's nothing left for me.  If I gain her even for a moment, as I have done, I can die having fully lived.  That's all any man can ask for in this life, on this God-forsaken planet. 

SD-7

sd...it is your decision of course, but life does not begin or end with being with someone else.  You don't have to give up freedom just to have a chance of being with someone. 

How happy can one be, pretending to be something they're not?  Even if you get the girl, keep the girl, you're living a lie. 

But I've had my say, and probably said too much.  I wish you the best and hope it works out.  Maybe you can open her eyes in time.  That's what I hope will happen for you.  Good luck on the suicide mission.  I'll be pulling for ya.  Make sure to keep us posted how it's going.

Not at all, undercover--I get what you're saying.  I understand the nature of this choice.  You're saying the same things I told myself.  Living a lie is a horrible thing.  But I thank you for your support. 

SD-7

Hi SD-7 -  Nice post.  Some I agree with but others ...  not so much.

The lack of doors in the auditorium and bathrooms must have been an intentional part of the design.  Perhaps it is a reflection of the Party mindset: a not-so-subtle way of saying WE ARE WATCHING YOU.  THERE IS NO PLACE TO HIDE.

I really don't [want] to believe that this is about visibility.  With all the weird diseases and focus on doors and handles, I'm grateful when there is a maze of partitions to a restroom so I don't have to take chances and risk getting my freshly scrubbed hands all germy when I touch the door to leave.

As for getting married to a die-hard witness when you are on your way out, seems terribly unfair.  Does your fiance know your true feelings about the org?  If you haven't had a true, open and honest discussion with her, then you are perpetrating a fraud. 

Regarding the 'hounders' in the lobby...  Did they know you?  If not, they may possibly have been concerned about security.  I was well-known in the circuit and often hung out in the lobby or walked around.  Sitting was just too much strain on my back and when I sat I usually fell asleep!

Just thoughts...  But really, really concerned about the decision to marry a JW, especially if there is deception involved.

-Aude.

I wish the best for you in your marriage.   And I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets depressed after assemblies and conventions.  I didn't go to my special assembly day in September, because I was just getting over my depression after the convention.  Now, the circuit assembly in January makes me nervous.  Maybe, there will be a blizzard.  One can hope, but, then, the blizzard usually starts after you get there.

AudeSapere--I concede that I'm reading something into the architecture that probably isn't there.  I'm just paranoid about it, that's all.  Second point, I have discussed these issues with my fiancee.  I'm not entirely stupid, you know.  I wouldn't dare marry her without saying SOMETHING.  She was unfazed by my concerns with our beliefs, pretty much threatened to leave, so I backed off of the issue.  Is it immoral to pretend to believe something or else lose the woman you love most?  Certainly.  But the Society stepped in the gray area a long time before I was even thought of.  Anything I've done is perfectly justifiable if they're allowed to continue to exist. 

Third, she's not a die-hard JW, but she, like most others, believes it is the truth(TM).  I tried the path of honest discussion about this, and it was met with disapproval.  So, I did what was necessary to preserve the relationship.  I accepted the lie as truth.  I'm willing to live with that decision because in the end, it doesn't matter anyway.  It's just another religion.  Believing it or not is irrelevant.  But if the difference between believing and not believing is the difference between losing her and most of my family, then I see no other logical option.  Morality doesn't enter into it so much anymore.  The organization was gracious enough to relieve me of the burden of conscience.

As for the 'hounders', well, obviously they're there for security reasons.  But if I was trouble, I'm sure I would've been easily spotted and tackled well in advance in such a wide-open area anyway--another benefit to add to the one you mentioned.  I just walked in with a woman and a child, completely unarmed.  What the heck was I going to do, stick 'em up while I waited for her to change the kid's diaper?

I never asked for things to be this way.  I never intended to find out these things about this religion.  I only sought to understand why we felt it necessary to turn off our compassion and our conscience and lose touch with the spirit of Christ all because of adherence to the letter of the law.  That, I thought, was everything Jesus stood against.  So if anyone's perpetrating a fraud here, it's them, not me.  So please, point the finger at the people who are responsible for putting many, many people like myself into impossible situations.  Thank you very much.

SD-7

sd-7,

Hang in there. You alone know what you can or can't endure. Lots of good advice and well merited concern in this thread. Be careful not to fall into the role of a martyr because you are numb from the past.

However you might be applying Tzun Tzu's principle of choosing a "death ground" (a place of no options except to fight or die) for the battle in order to ensure that you have to perform the mission to survive; I don't know.

Remember that you do matter and you do have value.

Goshawk

I've had everything else taken from me.  I've nothing left but her now.  One day, I may lose her, or be reprogrammed.  That's the chance I'm willing to take.  There's nothing left for me.  If I gain her even for a moment, as I have done, I can die having fully lived.  That's all any man can ask for in this life, on this God-forsaken planet. 

 

Damn......

While I don't think any woman is worth the price of sanity, she must be one hell of a woman to throw yourself on the blade to that degree.

Good Luck!!!!

SD-7,

Something occured to me when I read your experience at the assembly.  You were there because your fiance' wanted you to attend with her and you love her.  But at the same time you've learned that the JW organization is not what you thought it was.  Is your love for your sweetheart strong enough to endure her continuing active believe in the JW's?  Will she still love you if you try to fade once your married?  Love is a wonderful but strange emotion that can go away as quickly as it came if it causes us doubt, pain, or distrust.  The reason I say this is because I recall a sister years ago who married this brother who was hanging the JW fence so to speak.  She was passionately in love with him and he with her.  They married and she became frustrated that he didn't make it to all the meetings.  That frustration turned to anger and in the next 5 years they were married. She had come to hate is resistance for the JW way of life.  They stayed married and the last time I saw them was after they had been married for 15 years.  Their eyes were dulled and the passion and their love seemed tarnished and wounded.  Not long before I saw them together I saw him alone at a Lowes hardware shopping.  I asked him how he was doing and he said ok but he looked so depressed.  He said he and Gail just didn't see eye to eye on spiritual things and they both felt exhausted and sad and he didn't know if he could continue on.  He didn't attend meetings anymore, she attended them all alone.  They never had any children together. 

That is not to say the love you have for each other can't survive the spiritual divide but it will take a lot of self sacrifice on your part to be as she wished you to be.  Can you be strong enough to be that self sacrificing for love?  Your fiance is a fortunate woman, you must love her very very much.  I've heard of love surviving some amazing times in the JW's I hope yours is one of those stories. 

Ruth

My dear friend, I hope you'll take to heart the kind advice that most have given you.  You know that I agree with them.  Good luck, and God speed.

Thanks for your advice, everyone.  I'm no martyr.  I'm just another bug under the wheels of the big machine.  I think our biggest problem is thinking that we're somehow relevant in the first place.  This is what the organization made us believe.  I always knew better.  I just never knew how irrelevant we really were until now. 

Sun Tzu said many things I've found to be useful.  "If you know your enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the outcome of a thousand battles."  I know my enemy, and now, I know myself better than I realized.  I know what's coming.  Not in perfect clarity, but I can feel what's coming.

It is not my intent to fade at all, in fact.  I was intending to leave, but she showed up again, and in that moment I knew there was no other way.  I have lost the favor of my family and the organization by now.  I may never regain it if I voice any doubts to the wrong people.  But regardless, I'm not fading.  I'm going back to them.  I see no other choice.  I'm not leaving. 

The words of Prince Malagant come to mind once more.  "Self-sacrifice is easy.  It is when you must sacrifice someone you love, that puts your convictions to the test."  The reason I became an apostate in the first place is because I could not sacrifice her.  Now, I must become a humble servant of Jehovah who puts his trust in Jehovah's organization and in Jesus' brothers, the faithful and discreet slave class. 

If I fail, if I lose her, so be it.  All these years, I hated myself for being unable to break a bad habit.  And then for falling in love with females who rejected me when I could merely have controlled those feelings or avoided those girls/women in the first place.  For more than a decade, I pondered what tool I could possibly use to inflict the greatest vengeance upon myself for the sins I committed against heaven, against peace, and against myself.  I believe, at last, I have found that tool.  I have found the perfect vengeance, the perfect punishment.  Now I will finally face every bit of the suffering I've deserved for years of incompetence and weakness.  Now I will knowingly become a slave, for as long as I draw breath. 

This, for me, is the single most beautiful moment of my existence.  To live a complete lie that is utterly intolerable, to finally know true fear of loss.  To finally know pain as intimately as a passionate lover.  That's just the beginning, really.  It's nothing compared to what many of you have been through.  But for me, it's everything I've ever wanted to inflict upon myself for everything I've done. 

Now that I know that, I believe this journey will be much, much easier.  It will not be happy at all.  And that's the point.  I never counted on being happy.  Now, I never have to again. 

But I'll be around if I happen to have any new nonsense ideas to post about.  At the very least, I just want to keep an ear in reality, just because it's nice to do.  But I can't leave.  I don't really think it would accomplish anything anyway.  I'd just find a way to be enslaved to something or someone else.  Better to be slave with what I know than to be a slave with what I don't.

SD-7 

This may be very close to being one of the saddest stories I have yet read on this board.  And I mean that sincerely.

At least not taking a blood transfusion would probably be a pretty quick way and you would likely be pretty well drugged up.

Indeed for a fader or questioner, the robotized & lobotomized assembly is the true test of personal conscience...I hope the poster is having a serious one and that this is the source of this thread.

record everything....ask awkward questions....prepare the questions in advance ....prepare for any scripted answers they give you ...then give them

another one to chew on

everybody leaving try recording the events.....and get them online