I knew this day would come

Just when I thought I could be successful in my fade and out of the radar,  an elder from my old congregation has started the search and rescue mission on me.  He and his wife came to my parents' home yesterday looking for me. Thank God I wasn't there.  He then started calling me. He left a message yesterday and he called me earlier today. I ignored the calls so far.  This is a bit hurtful for me to do because I like this particular elder. However, I need time to think about my response to him and to put somethings in perspective for myself. So much has happened to me lately and I don't need any guilt trips from this cult to further complicate matters. Eventually, I going to have to face the music and deal with them. 

While I know I have no real desire to return, I am not quite ready to part ways. I still have yet to really do much research so I can be more assured and informed of my decision and there is the matter of my parents and a few friends. I don't want to feel like I am hiding, but I don't want to incriminate myself too soon either. I believe I know what to say to keep them at bay.  Whatever it maybe, I want to convey to them that I just want to be left alone.

Any helpful suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Eventually, I going to have to face the music and deal with them. 

Maybe this is the time?  Look at it this way - it is most probably NOT going to come as that big a shock to them.

My 20-year old college daughter is still in, so I'm not quite ready to DA yet.

I had a nervous breakdown in 2005, so I milk that for all it's worth.

I suggest you tell them you're depressed, feel worthless, etc.

That will should buy you a little time.

The best to you, girlfriend.

Sylvia

Please go here and read a brief introduction to two helpful books that you might enjoy:

http://www.jehovahswitnessrecovery.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=26&t=4992

Whatever the case, you don't need to do anything.......neither face the music, or deal with them.    They will use conversations with you to draw out any disagreements to any teachings from the  Faithful and Discreet Slave.  Once they have your true feelings on things they will use it against you.  This is my experience and that of my husband when we both received 'shepherding calls' to 'help' us with our doubts.  Fortunately we recorded every visit if you care to listen and see how they bait you to answer their questions but how they refuse to answer yours.  All recordings are in threads started by Hoboken.

Seems to me that a simple letter, card or text to this elder...politely thanking him but asking to be left a while longer to think things through - should suffice.

Make it plain though that you are not available right now and will contact him when ready. If he should persist, you have every right then to refuse to see him. Meanwhile keep coming here and learn all that there is to learn ...

make an appointment
and then cancel it...

rinse, repeat

he will grow weary of
your "lack of spirituality"

JWoods:  Perhaps, but not quite ready to do it yet.  All in due time.  I am sure it won't be much of a shock to them.  I used to hear that as many as 40,000 + leave the borg every year.

Snowbird: Sorry to hear that had happened to you, but good to see you still standing strong and thanks for the encouragement girlfriend!

Leavingwt:  Thanks for the post and will take a look at it.

Iknowall558: Going to listen to the recordings when I get home from work.

BluesBrother: Good suggestion.  Thanks for it.

Chickpea: Sounds like a good idea.  I just know I am not one to go through the motions even if I can derive a mild pleasure of pissing a person off.

Hi Girlie,

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I hadn't been going to meetings for awhile and an elder I really liked (a long-time friend of the family) kept trying to contact me. I felt bad ignoring him, but I basically just kept telling him I was going through a lot and wasn't ready to talk about it. Eventually I did talk to him privately since he was a friend of the family. I was pretty honest about all my doubts. I'm not sure what he said to the other elders, but no one tried to contact me after that. I wasn't disfellowshipped. I think that was a rare situation, though. In any case, I think if you politely put off the discussion, you should be fine. You don't owe anything to them, so don't let them have any more control over your life. Take your time and don't say anything that could put you in an awkward situation until you feel you are ready. I did the same with friends - I told them that I had some doubts, but that I didn't want to discourage them, so I'd rather not talk about it.

Hang in there!

Holy crap! I am listening to Hobo Ken's hearing. This is INTENSE!! No wonder all of you guys want to avoid these things like the plague. What a high control group! Too bad more can't hear this. WOW.

If the elder corners you and starts asking questions, ask him:

Am I required to answer that?

If he says Yes:

Show me where it says that in the bible. (It's not there - He is a "shepherd", not a judge)

If he says No:

Excuse yourself

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also. -Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)

Somehow, that seems relevant...

   GIRLIE - I think the poster The Real Life stated something here that's extremely important and worth repeating, "  You don't owe anything to them,  so don't let them have any more control over  your life. " The more you say- the more the elders will try to control you by making you feel guilty or even instill false fears into you by telling you the Devil will overreach you , you'll commit immorality, be a drunkard, or drug abuser if you stop going top meetings. It's all BS fear tactics to control you.

  You sound like you are doing good just laying low and avoiding them. There's really no reason to meet with them. If they happen to press it- just say you're depressed and would rather not talk.  If your family or parents are JW's - just stay on non-JW topics with them , be kind, loving as an any child would - and avoid controversial subjects. Hopefully you can just fade and the elder will let it rest and give up.  Good luck, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

It's difficult to walk in 2 worlds.  A very delicate balancing act.  Strength to you as that is all I can offer as I went the disfellowhiped route.

Make it impossible to make an appointment.  If they unilaterally set one up, don't show up for it.

And please do keep us all informed.

thereallife:  Thanks for that. I do need to stand my ground at all costs, despite consequences.

greenie: Thanks for the heads up. Didn't get a chance to listen to like I want to, but do plan to do so soon.

Elsewhere:  Good! Great response if ever cornered by any of them for a meeting.

Stillin: Great quote and very relevant.

Flipper: Thanks for the encouragement and will heed your words of wisdom.

Loubelle: Yes it is very difficult and thanks.  Being here helps so much.

WTWizard: I have no intention of having a meeting with them and if approached by any of them to do so, I will tell them that I am busy.

JWoods: Will do.

 I ignored the calls so far.  This is a bit hurtful for me to do because I like this particular elder.

Has this elder been a regular, important part of your life in the past year? If not then why worry about him? I think people often worry too much about offending people who don't really give a damn about them. Once they've "reactivated" you they'll quickly return to their former complacency, until the next time. (lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseum)

I no longer let my decisions or actions be affected by friends or relatives who are not an essential part of my life. I spent too many years worrying about the feelings of people who didn't care about mine. The wasted time and energy can never be reclaimed.

W