Vegetables on Front Porch Cause Uproar of Scandal and Intrigue for Local KH

APUPI - Illinois

Local JW, Susan Estrogen, recalls her horror when she first saw the large, orange vegetables on the porch. "There I was between breaks while out on field service when I saw it! I saw it way down the street, and the horror grew as I slowly approached the house of Sister Duffy. I just couldn't believe my eyes."

Five minutes later the entire congregation had been notified. A special meeting of the local body of elders was called while they were on break from their jobs at the carwash to assess the situation and decide just what must be done. "We knew that Sister Duffy had an unbelieving husband, so we weren't sure if he put them there or if she did." Elder Looksatporn shook his head in sad disbelief as he recounted the harrowing tale. "We decided it must be her husband who did it, which dissappointed us greatly. We like Sister Duffy's husband, although he does work far to hard at his job. He wasted all sorts of time in college and on his career. We hope there isn't a problem with his wife because we really like driving around in her vehicle for service. It has leather seats and a dvd player."

Fortunately, their worst fears were found to be unfounded. The entire body of elders called in late to work at the carwash. They waited in their car for Sister Duffy's husband to leave for work so they could go over and visit with her. There was a great deal of difficulty in figuring out how to best approach the door without getting to close to the demonized vegetables. The method decided upon was to hold up several copies of the Watchtower to shield themselves as they passed the horrific spectacle. After asking Sister Duffy several hundred questions regarding the offending autumnal legumes, it was determined that her husband had in fact placed the dastardly, decorative foodstuffs. To their relief she was also horrified and had been forced to jump out a window to leave for the meeting. She was relieved when they gave her permission to use the Watchtower-Bodyshield method when leaving the house. "Between those and the cast on her leg, she should be fine", said the PO Brother Ogleschildren.

Some in her cargroup were not so sure. Sister Thinkshesanelder shook her head sadly, "I just think I have to consider Sister Duffy a bad association now. Sure she can hold up Watchtowers when she walks by on crutches, but with those demonic, spherical offerings to pagan harvest gods so close, how can we be sure. Evil must be radiating through the very walls of the house!" Sisters Valiumhag and Xanax nodded their heads in somber agreement.

After several more hours of discussion while on afternoon break at the carwash, it was decided that nothing directly could be done to force Sister Duffy's husband to remove the despicable satanic gourds since he was not baptized. It was decided that everyone would continue to be extra nice and only talk about him behind his back. When they see him they are to say, "oh, I see you have your holiday decorations up". A special meeting was held to communicate the proper course of action to the congregation.

Although it was a dark day for the local KH, they were able to overcome with the help of Jehovah and the Watchtower. Sister Duffy also is overcoming the trauma. She is hoping the extra $100 in gas and additional 500 miles on his vehicle while out in service will help him to see her dedication to Jehovah. Only by setting this example can she hope to make him see the folly of placing decorative, themed food offerings to Satan. Her dream is that someday he will quit clinging to all these salient and irrefutable points regarding the flawed blood doctrine and simply submit to Jehovah's arrangement.

That is HILARIOUS!!!

LIG

"Local Susan Estrogen..."

There's those hormones run amok again! Call the Ovulation Police! "The Ovum is At Large!"

***w6112/15pp.767-768QuestionsfromReaders***

There are cases where a girl became pregnant as a result of one sex interview with a boy. What a price for a girl, a virgin, to pay for a few minutes of satisfied sex emotions! When persons start in this dangerous and sinful course, they find it hard to overcome future temptations. When a young, unmarried girl falls to the temptation, the price she pays is terrible: shame, sorrow, a ruined reputation, endless troubles, with the danger of being disfellowshiped from a congregation if the girl is a dedicated member. It is high time for girls to understand the make-up of their bodies and its functions, especially with regard to sex. Then if a girl understandingly takes care of herself while the ovum is at large and is causing sex disturbance and cravings within her, she will be able to act like a true lady of irreproachable morals at all times. She will avoid the violating of her virginity and the shame and conscience-stricken state due to this; and wisely she will direct her young life so as to end up in the position of a clean, happy wife and mother of legitimate children, journeying to the new world of righteousness, where there will be no sex problems amid a sex-crazy population.

My goodness what is the world coming to?

CG

 Very funny

bttt

twink

This is a spoof, right?  Can't find anything in my news search engines.

The funniest thing about this story is that it's perfectly believable. The surnames are the biggest givaway.

W

Excellent... 

Even though it's tongue-in-cheek it describes JW thinking and acting to a tee.  It's amazing how JWs can get all worked up with something as innocent as a pumpkin or wind chimes as happened at my parents home.

When I was a kid my father bought wind chimes for the front porch.  He had not kept up with WT teachings as well as my mother...but she knew.  She knew that the WT had printed an article placing wind chimes in bad light.  She went nuts.  She told him that he was inviting demons to attack our house and that he had to get rid of those satanic items immediately, and no, he couldn't give them to anyone, they had to be destroyed.  She called in the elders to back her up.  It was quite the drama at our home for a few days that left an impression on me to this day.

Butters, do what you must but don't get caught.  Don't waste too much money on this either.  Keep your $5 and your Hallmark card.  The point was not to let them think a prankster put it there, the point was that they don't know who put it there, maybe it's decorations that the BOE approved of for Autumn.  Maybe those pumpkins are just waiting to become pies.  They are just pumkins, not demon symbols.

OH, what are they doing there, what should we do?  Let's ask the elders before we do anything.

Just in case, I won't enter this KH until someone clarifies. (might be demonized)

That would be funny, only add a video camera.  It would be fun to watch all the discussion, confusion, and tittering that would come from them.  After alot of discussion between the elderes they would remove them.

CYP

Oh that is rich!  Now come over and pick me up from the floor because I fell off the chair from laughing so hard.

mumsy

CYP: Dude! This is brilliant satire. You missed your calling.

I had to laugh because we have "autumnal vegetables" on our front porch right now.

LOLOLOLOL!!

L.L.