A personal account

  Hello to all. I'm new to the forum. Glad I found this place, it seems I've finally found somewhere I feel comfortable. I'm writing this to get some stuff out of my system. If you have the time to read it, great. If not, don't worry, it's just good for me to get it off my chest. This is my story, here goes.

  I had my first "witness" when I was 17 years old. It was a curious affair. At that time I was searching for some meaning to life. School was hell, home life no better and I was very depressed and thought about taking my own life. Somehow, I had convinced myself that aliens was the thing. I used to stay awake all night just staring at the stars hoping that they'd find me...make contact...give meaning to the universe. It didn't happen, but I was still convinced they were real.

  I spoke to my sister about it. We debated. I put forward my alien theories. She was quite mad about what I'd said and swore vehemntly there were no aliens and that God was the real deal. I didn't know it at the time but, she had been studying the Society's literature. She pulled out the "Live Forever" book and said I had to read it or there could be no more serious debate.

  I took it home and read it. I was blown away. The rug had been pulled from under my feet and I could no longer believe in aliens. I was so moved about the book I wept for days at this discovery.  Soon after, I had JW's at the door. I was very receptive...wanting to believe this was the "truth". I accepted a bible study and so began to change my life. At first everything was great. I had finally found what I'd been looking for, I felt ecstatic. I was going to meetings regularly and getting great praise from everyone in the congregation, egging me on to bigger and brighter things...but the downward spiral had begun. I hadn't noticed at first but I would do so soon enough.

 The first thing was my family. I began to view them with suspicion. They didn't share my enthusiasm for the "truth". My sister wasn't going to meetings, my dad and brother were opposed, my mum was passive but was full of awkward "stumbling" questions. It was here that my mum showed me her considerable stash of Watchtower and Awake mags she had collected throughout the years. She had read them but never acted on them. This was all news to me. I saw their efforts to question my faith as a test from Satan. Naturally. It never entered my head that some doubting points my family raised about my new religion were valid. It was simply Satan at work.

  Then I lost my girlfriend. We hadn't been together long, maybe a year and a half, but I did love her even at that young age. It hurt badly, but I was determined...this was another test. When I told the JW's about my plight, they quoted some scripture about families being divided as part of learning the "truth". I can't remember the exact verse. I was also losing friends rapidly and having work pals mock me constantly. This was of course Satan.  So, it meant I was doing everything right.

  Things started really going wrong when I hit 19. Suffering from the loss of my friends, girlfriend and family opposition, I became very depressed. That joy of discovering the "truth" had been replaced by fear. Fear for my life at Armageddon. Fear of Jehovah. Fear I lived but then had to see my loved ones annihilated. My whole life was being driven by pure dread instead of joy. This was okay the JW's assured me as fear of Jehovah is a good thing. I suffered a breakdown and lost my job through it all.

  Not wanting to leave the organisation (fear) I struggled on. At this point I met a really cool brother. We got on great. We played guitar together, drank beer, joked. He was different from most witnesses. More happy. However, I was recommended not to associate with him because he was materialistic, unspritual and worldly. I ignored the elders and had a great time. I went to live with his family for a break to get over my depression. My family were part of the "world" and I still wanted to be part of the "truth".

  Things got worse. My new friend's family were nasty, nasty people. They tried to control my every move and thought. They even starved me. They knew I didn't have much money, I was unable to work but I gave all I could to them, they denied me basic food. I must have weighed about 8 or 9 stone. I could see my ribs. Ironically, it was another "worldly" brother I met who saved me and offered me accomodation away from these monsters. I was in tears about my treatment. I confided in two or three brothers but nobody suggested we do anything, best not to rock the boat.

  Disillusioned but not broken, I moved from Scotland to England to try a new congregation. It was more of the same. People in the congregations didn't seem any different from people in the outside world. In fact I was beginning to suspect people on the outside had a more humane view of life. One guy in the congregation raped his wife and daughter. Their son was also a pervert, stealing underwear from washing lines. I reminded myself that this family had problems but were still Jehovah's people and it was none of my business.

  I moved back home and started to miss meetings. One brother kept visiting me all the time to get me to go back. Then I had a visit from the elders. At this point I was becoming extremely distressed about the whole ordeal. I felt at that time I needed professional help and considered seeing a psychiatrist. But my mind blanked out the idea. This was Satan. A psychiatrist would be from Satan to get me to leave the "truth".

  Anyway, I decided for the good of my mental health I would cease all activity with the JW's although deep down I still felt they were the chosen ones and still had that fear inside me. Recently, 10 years after all of this, I had another nervous breakdown. The last 10 years have been a constant worry for me. What will happen on judgement day? Will I be "torn" from the earth? Will my family be brutally executed? How will ever be sane even if I live? Will I be paralysed by fear when that day comes? Is Satan at my back door as I write?

  A few months ago, I started beleiving Satan was making contact with me through TV. I was hopitalised, put on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Thankfully I've been released. Here I am now. 10 years later and living a life of fear. I have missed the best portion of my life. Those years are gone, I can't get them back. I'm glad I found this forum and glad for http://members.aol.com/beyondjw/  These sites have helped to see I was being controlled by JW's. Even if they didn't realise themselves that they were controlling me.

  I'm still afraid. I'm slowly beginning to digest the possibility JW's have got it wrong. I'm sure they mean well, but in my experience they are no better as people than anyone else...quite often worse. I'm hoping to learn more. I want to become an effective debater against JW's. I have two at my door again. They have been visiting for months. They nearly got me to take interest once more...but I found this site first. Now I just have to get rid of them. As I write, I'm aware of the possibilty that my actions are being controlled by Satan. Am I an apostate? I was never baptised. I have that fear, but I'm still hoping to get my life together. Thanks for reading, your comments are greatly welcome.

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the forum.  Thanks for posting your story, I'm sure many people here can understand your feelings completely.

Right now your primary concern is care for yourself.  Keep reassuring yourself that God would want you to be well.  So do whatever you can to keep yourself healthy and calm.  If that involves talking about your feelings on this forum, then fine.  Mostly, remember that so called "worldly" doctors can be trusted (for the most part!) and you should certainly seek help from a professional.

Sirona

 

Welcome cheeseman,

You did well to write it out and you wrote it out well. That's the best we can do with our nightmares.

Take Sirona's advice as to the help you can get and don't worry: nobody is lost.

Hang in there.

Hey cheeseman first of all, welcome to the forum. I know when you first start to really question you're going to have doubts but remember that any normal religion would not discourage questioning and would not discourage you from seeking help. Don't worry so much about the labels they try to tag on you. At this point you need to figure out what you need and want in your life rather than what brother or sister so and so are going to call you and you might need professional help in order to do this (as Sirona said).

Just relax, take a couple deep breaths and do what's best for your mental and physical well being.

All the best to you and I hope to see you around this forum soon.

welcome, cheeseman

That`s an interesting handle.  Is there a story behind it?

We have a phrase `cheese and crackers men` around here.

Sounds like you`ve had quite a rough go.  Sirona had some good advice there about the professional help.

 

Welcome cheeseman.  Quite the story.  Glad you found solace in sharing.

What is it lately with the Brits.  Coming out of the woodwork.  I've never seen so many newbies!

 

Welcome Cheesehead, what a story. A great example of deeply the indoctrination runs. If you start to question the FDS or start to deviate, you must be under the control of Satan. This is a fear tactic that is used to keep the "sheep" inline.

Welcome, Cheeseman!

Another website that has helped me a lot is www.freeminds.org

Check it out!

DY

Welcome cheeseman!  You are in the right place to learn about the inconsistencies and hypocrisy in the Watchtower society, which means that God cannot possibly approve of it as its sole organization of dispensing truth.  That's just a control tactic used to instill fear and guilt in people so that they don't question the JW view of the world. 

Please take care of yourself.  There is plenty of information here that refutes JW teachings, but you don't need the stress of trying to prove it to anyone.  Most people have found that it's like talking to a brick wall - nothing gets in.  It is a classic mind control trick used by many organizations - JWs don't have the monopoly on it.  If you'd like to read a great book, the The True Believer by Eric Hoffer.  Though not about religion per se, you will be astounded at the similarities between the JW leadership throughout its history and Soviet Communism!

Hope to read more from you.

Ac

Cheeseman,

I'm glad you found the place.  I agree with everyone else. You really need to concentrate on yourself right now.  I hope you find some peace with your professional help.

Thanks for sharing your story and look forward to hearing from you more.

Bryan

 

Have You Seen My Mother

Hi cheesman. I feel for you, man. Your story reminds me of how I got trapped in the Watchtower doctrines. I hope you can overcome the brainwashing.



Yes, go to freeminds.org. Do some research and get professional help if needed.



Best,



Pole

Welcome Cheeseman.....nice you found your way here.

My suggestion is to do as others have suggested and do some heavy re-search on the witnesses and you'll free yourself of the fear you now hold from guilt.

The other suggestion is........hang out right here and read read read. Many beliefs expressed here you'll disagree with.......but the truth behind the witnesses is presented nicely though sometimes some oddball will post untruths once in awhile.

Welcome again......and thanks for sharing your story.

Gumby

Welcome cheeseface! You have found a great place to get over all the JW mind control. Just breath, have an open mind.. and find some peace in the knowledge that by being here you are truly doing the right thing. You are on the road to recovery. Post, post post.

GBL

Hi Cheeseman!

Welcome to the board. All my sibs feel as if we lost a "decade" as well. I always have to keep reminding myself that I could have grown up in the Depression (1930's), been conscripted off to war and come home years later minus some important body parts or part of my soull/mind and then lose more years trying to recover (many never did!).  Most days it helps, somedays, it doesn't!

I agree with the other posters to make your health your first priority and then concentrate on evaluating/building your own life philosophy and deciding what role religion will play in it.

There are a lot of great posters here who will try to help you with questions so happy reading! Will keep an eye out for your future posts.

W.

Welcome, Cheeseman

Glad you're here. Kick back, breathe easy. You're among friends. 

Reading your account reminded me of how when I was young  I longed for aliens (or at least the Starship Enterprise) to come take me away too! I did a lot of stargazing.

Take care and post as soon, as long and as often as your heart desires.

~Merry

No story talesin. I simply love cheese. Maybe when I'm reincarnated I'll come back as a good stanky dollop of blue stilton. Well, one can only hope.

Thanks for everybodys' kind responses and support. It helps to know other people have faced similar circumstances and come through the other side. I'm off to do a little research, ciao for now.

Oopsss...... cheeseman......not cheesehead

Cheeseman ,first let me say ,,,,,,YOU ARE NOT POSSESED  BY SATAN  that is a bunch of crap the jws put in their followers head to keep them from straying. There are so many forms of mental illness that is treatable and i think you are just depressed because of your life and what the loving jws have done to you. Give your self time to learn and heal because there is a whole life out there for you to enjoy.

 

Do your own research on the WT and you will see it is nothing more then a bunch of old men running peoples lives for power and greed.

Welcome to the forum Cheeseman!

You'll find that many of us suffered from fear and anxiety implanted in us by our 'loving' mother organization. Learning the truth behind the org. will "make you free". Finding the truth about God is another matter. I am still on that journey and I pray to God for HIS direction. I am very wary of organised religion but I do believe there is some truth out there - or maybe just what feels true to me.

Bottom line, do whatever you need to do to get your life back. I have never dealt with clinical depression but I can empathize with your plight. Focus on YOU not THEM.

You deserve to be happy. We all do.

I wish you all the best.

Is this what it's all about? Is there more to the story than they do it 'cause they really believe it?