Not without my daughters

Anyone remember that movie?  Sally Field playing an abused wife trying to leave Iran with her daughter?  My current situation reminds me of that movie.

Ok a little background...

I have two beautiful daughters from a previous marriage.  I have shared custody of the girls and they spend half of the week with me.  Their mother is disfellowshipped (with no interests in returning) and we are civil because of the girls.  Me and my wife have recently informed her of our fade, (since we figured the girls would at some point, while participating in the holidays.)

Since that conversation, my ex wife has now informed me that she felt comforted when i was taking the girls to the meeting.  But now since that's not what i want, she is going to try and come back.  For the kids sake.  She say's she cant stand the fact that her daughters may die in Armaggeddon. 

Here's an excerpt of her message to me:

honestly now dat i know dat u are back to not wantin to be a part of the organization i feel a tremendous pressure to go back because the kids need me now more than ever

So i guess it means i'm failing my children.  I am burning up with so much rage.  I dont want my daughters to grow up as JW, I dont want them to go through what i did.

I dont know what to do...

Well without knowing your daughters ages or ability to reason it's hard to say. Also, your ex has been out a long time? If so (or maybe even without a lot of time out I suppose) she would have changes and reforms to do in her life, and it is a process. Is she up to doing all of that? Will it be successful (her seeking reinstatement?) I'd say that you should quiet the rage, and keep the 1/2 a week visits just as you always have, and show your daughters that something that looks like truth may not be truth. Teach them to test out the policies...like birthdays...where does a birthday violate bible principles? etc etc. Did you exwife celebrate holidays with them? They already probably have a preference, which all kids do, towards having fun and having "sameness" in school with their peers. Now they can share this with you and your wife, yes?

Likely your ex just liked the fact that she could live how she wanted, and told herself that the girls salvation would fall onto you, and by you leaving as well she feels the heat. It will either fizzle out and she'll chill, or it will intensify and she will become a full fledge JW again. Either way, you are there for your daughters.

Heartbreaker, they are young (3, 5).  i definitely will keep the arrangement we have, and since i cant control what she does with them at her house, trust me i will be doing my best to teach them to think for themselves at mine.

But yes, i am here for my daughters.

If your ex is afraid that the girls will die at Armageddon, then deep down she still believes that the JWs have "the Truth." So she's acting out of fear right now. 

Maybe you could tell her why YOU left - reassure her that you have done lots of research and now KNOW that what the JWs teach is not the truth. Explain that you are not afraid of dying at Armageddon, and you are not afraid for your daughters, either, because you are convinced that Armageddon is NOT 'just around the corner.' Offer to share any information you have with her.

Good luck!

GGG

Showing your children all about your unconditional love, encouraging them to think, encouraging education, showing them the value of good clean fun, will speak volumes over what the WT organization will ever show/teach them.   You will succeed.  Let your ex live with her "tremendous pressure" as is her choice and the organization will always reinforce that to her always with control and guilt, and she will always just then be miserable.  So many best wishes to you and your family!

I agree. Honestly, the fact is that it isn't easy to come back. Depending on how long she's been out, she would have to make EVERY meeting and show genuine repentance, etc etc before she was reinstated. AND she'd have to attend on those days WITH the girls and NO outside help since she is df'd. The chances of her being able to make it back aren't huge. Secondly, by the time she did, you'd have another year of helping your daughters since you are able to have them regularly. They will see the difference in the two households. I know you are angry, but from the outside looking in, I don't think you have much to worry about with losing your daughters to the organization.

GGG - I tried that, while we still married, and that didnt go over well.  She tells me that nothing will ever convince her that this isn't the truth.  Thanks for understanding though...

Gayle - I have a feeling that when the girls get their choice, they will not be JW...but to have them suffer through the indoctrination now, that's what upsets me.  Thanks for the well wishes...

If you have them half a week, can you make your half the half that includes the one nightly meeting and Saturdays and Sundays? (not sure how it works). That would avoid any indoctrination via meetings and field service.

I do have them every Sunday and every other Saturday...

That movie still haunts me!!!!!!

Indoctrination isn't a one way street.......explain to the girls why you no longer believe.

Show them the historical time line and development of 1914. Demystify things.

Another thing......what is up with your Ex's 'dat' commentary?

She was sending me a message...i guess she was abbreviating that...

Ironhill, I'm confused, is it your ex-wife that is df'd, but nothing will convince her it is not the truth?????  But she is staying df'd????   And she believes it is "the truth"????

Yes, Blondie.  She states that she will come back one day, and now even more so since i no longer want to be a JW.

LOL.....Texting is changing our writing skills.....

I feel for everyone involved in this challenging situation/transition.  You said "I guess this means I'm failing my children."  Do you really believe that's what this means?  Or could it be that this is simply a f.e.a.r. (False Evidence Appearing Real)?

Keep being the best father you know how to be.  Keep taking things one step at a time, one day at a time.  Seek healthy outlets for your emotions during this time and be honest and realistic about both your strengths and limitations.  I promise you that how you approach this PROCESS will have more of an impact on your daughters than the most idealistic OUTCOME you can imagine.

Recognize that you can't really "control" other people or every outcome in life (although you may be able to exert some influence some of the time, it is unreasonable to expect yourself to be able to control your ex-wife's decisions or choices or beliefs.)  Try not to get tunnel vision on your fears.  Dare I say, keep your eyes on the prize.  But be realistic too. Avail yourself of whatever resources and expertise you reasonably can to support the best efforts you are conscientiously making.  Remember that there is no such thing as perfection.  Learn from your mistakes.  Remember what really matters when it comes right down to it.  Keep in mind that just as things could be better, they could also be far, far worse than they are.

I don't know how to specifically recommend you proceed with your (confused and troubled sounding) ex-wife other than to suggest keeping healthy boundaries as much as possible and behaving as respectfully as possible each step of the way and stay accountable for your own choices and responsible for your own path.  Try and think positively that "forewarned is forearmed".  I think it was reasonable to tell your ex yourself rather than leaving that to your daughters.  Now you know where things stand at this moment.  Let the emotions out.  Then consider your options.  Sometimes do nothing is an option.  Sometimes you have to respect that your ex-wife (or your daughters) may make life choices that you don't like.  Sometimes just when they've been scaring you the most, they'll up and surprise you with their decisions under fire.  Sometimes you have to let people learn from their own choices and decisions just as we frequently reserve the right to do in our own lives.

Again, be the best person you can under the circumstances.  Trust that your daughters will grow to be women and they will have their own choices and decisions to make as well and yes, that will be scary, but it doesn't necessarily spell the disaster you fear.  Try not to project your worst fears onto them.  Learn ways of managing your fears so that you can contribute positively to their lives.  Give yourself credit for loving them, but don't make it all about them either.  That will be a lot of pressure on them.  Maintain a healthy relationship with yourself.  Perhaps then your ex-wife's actions will seem a bit more manageable.

I suspect that you've already learned in your own life that things rarely go as planned.  Perhaps you've even found that in some ways this can be positive in ways not previously imaginable to you.  The same thing applies now.  The same will go with your daughter's lives.  (I speak as a daughter from a divorced situation).

The path you've chosen isn't an easy one.  What path is?  But speaking as a daughter to a father, I can honestly tell you, that what matters more than anything is how you manage the things you can control, especially your own emotions, and how you use the time you DO have with your daughters.  The rest is just details.  Even the seemingly big stuff like religion, politics, money, careers, sex, past relationship mistakes....etc, etc.

Your example as a father has more power than everyone in the world put together, including the JWs.  Channel your anger in constructive directions.  Each generation does a little bit better than the last.

So she shuffled the responsibility of teaching the kids the JWs off onto you instead of getting herself reinstated and NOW she wants to pick up the ball and is all self righteous about it? Puhleeeeze. 

Take a deep breath.  Dont get crazy. Kids arent stupid and they watch YOU and how YOU live your life. The crap they are exposed to at the hall, the over their heads ADULT talks and stuff, mean nothing to them.  You live your life, show them the beauty of the holidays and how special they are on their birthdays...you have nothing to fear from her doing this.  In fact, she may go through all the trouble of getting reinstated and not be able to continue the ruse, and will drop back out again.

Hang in there. 

That is an unexpected reaction.

I don't think you need to worry about your daughters; they will see through the religion easily enough if you stop going to meetings and explain the reasons at a level appropriate for their age.

What is more of a concern is that your ex-wife may cause trouble that will get you disfellowshipped. If you do not worry about your ex telling the elders things that you are saying, it is worth having some discussions to work out why she still believes in Armageddon and help show her how illogical it all is. A person that has not been to meetings for a long time can be more open to understanding other points of view.

You can't stop her from doing what she wants to do, so stop worrying about it.  If she drags the kids to the meetings while in a df'd state, they'll get plenty of education about shunning at an early age.  IMHO, your primary concern should be which one of you has the right to make decisions regardng the kids' education and medical care.  If it's their mother, I would go back to court to at least win the rights to make decision about school activities and medical treatment.