Besty Unplugged - My Life Story Part VI

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Part VI – The Great Apostasy Sets In

“If you ever leave the truth or get disfellowshipped that’ll be that – we’ll be finished.” I clearly recall my Mum laying it on the line. I was 14. As well as making her position clear it also had a powerful impact on me – impressionable children are particularly vulnerable to this sort of emotional manipulation, especially when parental authority is a factor. So I knew where I stood with regard to my family relationships 23 years later when I decided I would be exiting the Jehovah’s Witness religion. No matter – the die was cast and I was leaving. The Watchtower Society had lied to me about blood, about their history, about the date for the destruction of Jerusalem, about their relationship with the United Nations and about the fact that I would be living forever in paradise with a pet lion and as many oversized vegetables as I could eat. Oh ye – and did I mention I never really wanted to be a JW in the first place? I think I did alright putting up with the nonsense for the first half of my life. It was the halftime interval and I was changing sides for the second half.

By this time I had read the cautionary tales on the Internet about how some brothers had revealed their desire to leave the JW’s to their true believer wife who promptly collects up the children and moves back home to the safe embrace of her JW parents. I never really believed Sam would react like this but I had to be sure of giving us the best odds of making it out together. What to do, what to do? I had been making Sam aware of my increasing lack of appetite for all things JW - if she hadn’t figured that out by this stage then God help her. She knew I was struggling to show any enthusiasm for the meetings (zero field service for a long time) and that was a drag on our relationship as I was miserable anytime a meeting was in prospect.

22 month old Archie was getting to be a real handful at meetings and our second boy, Bertie, had just arrived so we were in the middle of a stressful time. Nothing like a Circuit Assembly to recharge your batteries stress you out even more. We worked hard to get all set to go but still ended up getting to the Assembly Hall an hour late. I was physically fighting with Archie to keep him restrained in his seat for just_one_talk in the main auditorium whilst Sam was out in one of the dining rooms feeding Bertie.  I knew then that this punishment would have to stop – I mean what exactly is a grown man doing dressed in a suit, shirt and tie on a Saturday morning anyway? Sam was tearful that day – the stress of a newborn baby that was facing a hernia op, the stress of an excitable 22 month toddler, the stress of being the perfect JW mum was adding up. So when we got home I executed Part 1 of what I expected to be a long term strategy.

I had raised the issue of Jesus not being the Mediator for 99% of Jehovah’s Witnesses with Sam’s Mum. I had found the WTS literature with the offending quotes and asked for her opinion. She hadn’t got back to me yet and so I casually mentioned this to Sam after we got home from the Assembly. Sam was curious to know more about the Mediator issue – this is a basic Christian belief that Jesus is your Mediator. I wager that a large percentage of JW’s have not grasped that according to their own doctrine Jesus is not their Mediator. Sam didn’t believe me that the WTS taught this and asked where the quote was. I replied that as we didn’t have that particular piece of literature in our library I would have to show it to her online. She agreed to read the relevant page at jwfacts.com and I nervously hovered as she did so. Amazingly and to my immense relief she instantly grasped the logic of what the website was telling her. The Watchtower says Jesus is not your Mediator. The Bible says he is. It ended for Sam right there. A lifetime of indoctrination evaporated in less time than its taken me to describe what happened. And so she read a few more pages and understood the whole construct was built on sand. Sam joined JWN the following Tuesday and put our WTS library in the recycling. That Circuit Assembly had transpired to be our last ever meeting with Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Just under a year previously my Dad had passed away after a short battle with terminal cancer. He bravely elected not to have treatment after being given the options and died with much dignity – I respected him immensely for the way he handled himself in the lead up to his death, aged 72. I have often asked myself if I would have left the JW’s if my Dad was still around – I don’t know the answer to that yet. I wish I could have had a closer relationship with both my parents, particularly my Dad, but the way the chips fell it hasn’t been possible. The challenge I accept with relish is to break the cycle with my boys – be the man I want them to become. Oh dear – poor sods, God bless them. (that last part is a quaint figure of speech – God probably doesn’t exist)

I was starting to travel to the US on business more frequently at this point. Our company had been acquired by a much larger outfit and it seemed a good plan to expand from being European to being global. Another trip to Las Vegas for a 96 hour drinking bender trade show was looming for me and given that the news that we were stopping going to meetings was also bound to travel I felt obliged to call Scotland to tell my Mum that we weren’t going back. This was received very poorly indeed. I can’t recall all the details of that first call but Mum ended up in tears and Andrew, who happened to be there, came on the phone. Amongst other niceties he enquired if I knew that my marriage was going to break up, as that’s what happens when you leave Jehovah. Thanks Andrew - that was a lovely thing to say to someone who had a 6 week old baby. All that ‘training’ you have had as shepherd certainly paid off. Last time I checked I was still happily married – no doubt in your mind the collapse of our marriage is like Armageddon – widely predicted as coming ‘soon’. On this and a few subsequent calls my mother and brother both let me know exactly what they thought of me – weak, spineless, proud, arrogant, stubborn, lazy, had dragged Sam down to my level – the compliments were effusive. One particularly astounding comment was from my Mum - apparently me telling her I wasn't going back to the meetings was worse news than hearing her beloved husband of 50 years had terminal cancer. Anyone would think I was leaving a cult.

That particular trip to Vegas was ill-timed for several reasons. One – we were leaving a high control group and Sam needed all my support. I had a long time to think things through whereas Sam was in an emotional mess. She had the toddler, the new baby and now she was coming to terms with losing some of her lifetime best friends. Secondly wee Bertie needed a minor operation, so whilst Sam was relieved at the blood issue being taken out of that equation, she still needed me there. Lastly, with a cooler head she probably wouldn’t have gone round to see a couple, who were amongst our closest friends, on the day they moved into their new house to tell them we were never going back to the meetings. Inevitably word got back to our elders from several sources that we were not going back. Let the games commence.

Shortly after I returned to the UK Mum, Andrew and his wife came down to London for my cousin Jill's wedding. It was like nothing had happened – nobody mentioned anything and it was all sweetness and light. Sam and I had agreed we would not discuss anything controversial with them knowing it would lead to trouble. But, because our guard was down as they hadn’t raised the subject, we fell into our own trap and I launched into a lengthy description of all that was wrong in the wacky Watchtower wonderland. In hindsight I did myself an enormous favor as this conversation would ultimately prove sufficient to get me disfellowshipped.

The Watchtower Society is a legalistic organization – that means they never saw a rule they didn’t like. A bit like the Pharisees, except with more of an eye for detail. So when our elders heard we weren’t coming back they instigated a well worn procedure  - after all you can’t just up and leave a high control group. In the first instance they attempted to conduct what is known as an initial inquiry. This is carried out when they suspect you may be guilty of something but don’t have all the evidence to prove it. In our case we were suspected of apostasy – defined as disagreeing with the Watchtower Society leadership. And so they sent two goons round to our house – we had agreed to see one of them and he brought a buddy – to ask some loyalty questions. Such as ‘are you attending another church’, ‘do you believe god is using the Watchtower Society?’, ‘when you read the bible do you use our translation?’ etc. Most tedious. But the wrong answer will see you disfellowshipped, and we didn’t want to be disfellowshipped. Despite the mean spirit shown to me by my family, for the sake of the two grandchildren I wanted to retain a civil relationship, even though the elephant in the room would be a permanent addition to the group photos. And so we bobbed and weaved and obfuscated our way successfully past the loyalty test – the goons left and we cracked a bottle of red. I say successfully as it all went quiet for a few months. I did receive a lengthy rebuttal of the points I’d raised to Andrew. He naively reiterated the all too familiar Watchtower beliefs as if somehow that would help me see the error of my ways. I’m not sure why he thought that was a clever strategy – if in doubt repeat Watchtower dogma, maybe. I replied back thanking him for taking the time and that as far as I was concerned the matter was closed. (I could have logically destroyed the content of his rebuttal email line by line but that was not a viable tactic towards the goal of keeping the communication open)

Just before we went to bed one night Sam’s mobile rang. It was the former PO (Presiding Overseer) who had been removed as an elder but now reappointed and leading the charge for information on us. He called at 10.30pm that first time, wondering if we would be willing to meet with them as they wanted our side of the story. What story? We had been gone for several months and the informal shunning had commenced – former friends who regularly would stop by the house or call just disappeared off the face of the earth. Complete radio silence. I called him back and fobbed him off. He called again and again and again, usually late at night and always with someone on the line with him. It felt like harassment.

I should have known something was up when I asked my Mum if she was shunning us too. Andrew had already made it clear he was having nothing to do with us. She replied “I will know what to do when your congregation makes an announcement”. This surprised me – the announcement she referred to could only be the disfellowship announcement, but as far as I was aware no judicial action was in progress. Wrong – it was in progress. And she knew it. But still – my mother would keep a nominal relationship active with me until a stranger 400 miles away would announce that I was no longer a Jehovah’s Witness, meaning she could not speak to me for the rest of my natural life, without feeling guilty about doing so. Medieval – but I felt her pain – she was losing her son, her daughter-in-law and her two only grandchildren. Her decision though, or was it? Difficult to say with cultic groups who is making what decisions – if the boys in Brooklyn ever decide that shunning is a cruel and unusual barbarism in breach of several parts of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and that splits up families and makes them look like a cult, would my Mum start speaking to me again? And if so where is her conscience today? Hmmmm.

In any case the urgency and frequency of the calls from this elder were increasing and eventually he invited us to any or all of 3 dates for a Judicial Committee hearing. We declined to attend as it held no meaning for us. But curiosity got the better of me - I wanted to know what evidence they had ‘on’ me and who the witnesses to my sin were.  Imagine my surprise when I was told one of the witnesses was my brother Andrew, and that he had made a special trip to London to accuse me face to face at one of the previous JC evenings which I was not present at. He had made a 1000 mile round trip to accuse me face to face of disagreeing with the boys in Brooklyn and yet didn’t have the decency to travel an extra half mile to knock our door and say hello to me and his two only nephews – just babies really. At this point if you believe in Jesus ask yourself what would he have done. Would Jesus be shunning babies, Andrew?

And so were disfellowshipped within a few weeks. No big deal as anyone that mattered to us had already decided we were dangerous and were shunning us. We knew the rules and how it would play out. That was over two years ago now and a lot has happened since then. I’ll save that for the final part of my story.

Part VII – Not The End Or The Beginning (will post it when I write it)

"... even though the elephant in the room would be a permanent addition to the group photos."

Glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that!

Brilliant stuff about a serious subject - please continue.

Love reading your story so far Besty.  Many similarities with my husband and myself and our leaving the WTS.

Can't wait to read the grand finale.

Hopscotch

very interesting, staggering behaviour from your own brother, and they have the audacity to call themselves shepherds?

even if my wife found out it was built on sand.....she would say...."so were the pyramids"....she is that brainwashed.....he he

great storytelling besty.....you should write a book.....

......regards to the family

        da ninja

besty,

Great story!  My wife and I have really enjoyed each part of your life story so far and we are looking forward to Part VII.  Your story has some similarities to ours except we don't have any kids yet.  Our DF/DA announcement will come any day now I'm sure, as we've sent our letter that lists all the Watchtower doctrine we disagree with.

Andrew seems like a real prize.  Actually, the brother of the prodigal son at this year's drama (our last WT meeting) acted in a very similar manner.

I respected him immensely for the way he handled himself in the lead up to his death, aged 72. I have often asked myself if I would have left the JW’s if my Dad was still around – I don’t know the answer to that yet. I wish I could have had a closer relationship with both my parents, particularly my Dad, but the way the chips fell it hasn’t been possible. The challenge I accept with relish is to break the cycle with my boys – be the man I want them to become. Oh dear – poor sods, God bless them. (that last part is a quaint figure of speech – God probably doesn’t exist)         This struck me a bit close to my heart...my father is 72 & I feel very similar. Even with all the challenges, I believe you are being a great father to those boys

It was like nothing had happened – nobody mentioned anything and it was all sweetness and light....this is unfortunately something all too common within the jw's.

my mother would keep a nominal relationship active with me until a stranger 400 miles away would announce that I was no longer a Jehovah’s Witness, meaning she could not speak to me for the rest of my natural life, without feeling guilty about doing so.....

you sure she doesn't feel guilty?

You & your wife inspire me..thanks for sharing your story

My younger brother once shunned my babies. It's a small world, isn't it?

I just hope he has his eyes opened, one day. The events that led up to my awakening were random. Perhaps he'll have a breakthrough, too.

Besty, I hope your family wakes up.

Stories like this truly break my heart, especialy since, today of all days, I read 1John, a letter devoted to telling how loving God and Jesus are and that unles you have love in your heart, you can't love God and Jesus.

Jesus told us to love those who don't love us, to love those that it is hard to love, our enemys even, for if we love only those that love us, what good is that?

It's sad that the WT, that the JW's and that your family don't understand that their lack of love is a wall between them and God and Jesus.

And make no mistakes about it, shunning/disfellowshiping is NOT an act of Love and what is NOT an act of Love is NOT an act of God or an act pleasing to God.

Period.

"...if in doubt repeat Watchtower dogma..."

They really do believe that!

Got an email from an elder I hadn't seen in 15 years, who was instrumental in our coming "into the truth" back in the 70's. He came on as though he had just discovered my email addy and wanted to catch up on how we were all doing. I told him we were fine and threw in this line: "You probably know we have stopped going to meetings." His response: "No, I didn't. What happened?"

I sent him a response and told him we had elected not to talk about "why" but not to worry about us, we were happy and life was good.

I didn't hear from him for several days, and then got an email. Nothing on it, no personal note or anything, just a scan of a chart someone had made showing the increased frequency of earthquakes in "our day." (!)

At that point I had the same thought you did when you heard from your brother:  When dubs are in doubt as to what to say, they just repeat the dogma. My other thought was that he was using "old" dogma. The WT tossed that argument aside some years ago, agreeing with scientists that there aren't necessarily more earthquakes now than ever before, but arguing that it doesn't make any difference in terms of the "prophecy."

So their stock in trade tool ("repeat dogma") doesn't even have to be accurate!

I didn't reply further. I am sure to this day he is convinced that he really socked it to me.

true indeed willyloman - here's my brothers email socking it to me:

Wow - what a story. I can't believe your brother could turn you in like that without any notice.

I hope the day comes when he too leaves the religion - he will owe you a big apology

"If you ever leave the truth or get disfellowshipped that'll be that - we'll be finished." I clearly recall my Mum laying it on the line. I was 14. As well as making her position clear it also had a powerful impact on me - impressionable children are particularly vulnerable to this sort of emotional manipulation, especially when parental authority is a factor.

You must know as a parent just how heartbreaking and shocking that statement is.  Although I'd been shunned by my mom for years before I became a stepmom, I didn't realize just how evil that practice was until I had children in my care.  Although they aren't my biological children, a bond was formed, and I can't imagine anything that they could do to turn me away from them.  They're grown and out on their own now.  And, yes, they've made decisions with which I don't agree and for which they're paying the price.  But I haven't stopped loving or helping them. 

Please check your pm's.

Betsy,

He is incorrect in regards to many of those things he mentioned to you on that email "socking it to you".

Great installment Besty..

                                      Good JW parents are always willing to sacrifice their children to the Watchtower Idol..

                                                                                                                                                                        ...............OUTLAW

You and your brother both write very well.  Very fluent.

thanks Spike - we both read a lot as well - correlation is not causation of course ;-)

same parents, etc. might help

"One particularly astounding comment was from my Mum - apparently me telling her I wasn't going back to the meetings was worse news than hearing her beloved husband of 50 years had terminal cancer. "

Had a tear in my eye when I read this. What on earth can you say to that?  The tentacles of control go deep into people's souls.

weird thing to say wasn't it? I guess it is the 'you'd be better of dying in a car crash now, at least then you'll get a resurrection' mentality

My Dad will get a resurrection - we get eternal death

My Mum genuinely believes that Jesus is going to destroy us (and 6.5 billion others) any day now - like really soon. She recently texted my FIL to see if he had any ideas on how to save us from imminent destruction. 

"Some cults teach that you and your children will have an untimely death if you leave the group."