My son was murdered today

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    still thinking posted Thu, 26 Apr 2012 09:16:00 GMT(4/26/2012)

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    Hi truman...you are still in my thoughts everyday...I hope this post comes out...they seem to be disappearing on here lately

    MMXIV posted Thu, 26 Apr 2012 09:32:00 GMT(4/26/2012)

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    ((((Truman))))

    M Black Sheep posted Thu, 26 Apr 2012 10:52:00 GMT(4/26/2012)

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    Joined 8/8/2003

    I just can't imagine how tough it must be to try and put on a cloak of normality after your experience. I hope I never have to.

    There is a txt on my phone from an old friend who is no longer with us. Every time I empty my messages I come across it and leave it there. It's nice.

    I hadn't heard of Eckhart Tolle before. He sounds interesting. I'll have a look when I get some time.

    (((((Anne)))))

    Chris

    TTWSYF posted Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:56:00 GMT(4/26/2012)

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    Joined 1/5/2010

    God bless you and your family Truman. I am so sorry to read how your son was taken from you so soon.

    ammo posted Thu, 26 Apr 2012 22:24:00 GMT(4/26/2012)

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    Joined 4/14/2012

    Hello truman,

    I know each day must be so hard,

    and things will never be the same, please know as well, how much you are in peoples thoughts, and how love and best intentions are being sent to you.

    Ammo

    x

    truman posted Fri, 27 Apr 2012 07:58:00 GMT(4/27/2012)

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    Joined 4/3/2001

    Thanks, Chris, still thinking, MMXIV, ammo,and TTWSYF. I have never had so much care and support in my life as I have had from this board and friends offline during this ordeal. It is humbling and inspiring. I only wish that I could offer those who have encouraged me the satisfaction of some resolution or recovery. That goal, I know, is a long-term process. As I experience it now, it seems that a certain degree of compartmentalization becomes a strategy for coping. I cannot yet think about Glendon without overwhelming sadness for his loss. I want to scream at the universe, "give me my son back!" But to even indulge that exercise in impotence is to risk being swallowed by it myself. In order to function, I must keep my mind away from those thoughts. Yet, I cannot deny them their expression entirely. I hope that with time, I will be able to think of Glendon with dear remembrances of the priceless good memories of his life, but presently these are smothered by the sadness. I have to learn how to make this transition. It is a strange coincidence that a close neighbor also lost her adult son about a year ago (in completely different circumstances, but suddenly). I sat with her over our common experience yesterday, and I saw a woman immobilized in her grief. I feel very sad for her, because I know her pain. I understand how she is in this state, but I do not want to be where she is in a year's time.

    still thinking posted Fri, 27 Apr 2012 09:05:00 GMT(4/27/2012)

    Post 3125 of 7521
    Joined 3/11/2011

    truman....I don't believe that allowing yourself time to grieve is indulgence. How you deal with it is how you deal with it. There is no right or wrong way. Even though you sense your own weekness when it come to dealing with the loss of your beautiful son. I see a strong, capable person...who is able to keep balance in her life. Your weekness is in fact a strength.

    I take my hat off to you truman...you are also teaching us valuable lessons...even though you probably don't see that right now. We give to you becuase we care. You give to us, because you are a giving soul.

    Sharing in anothers pain is a privilege...so much more so than sharing in anothers joy. It is an honest connection that is not often seen. We learn so much about ourselves through others.

    What you are doing here, on this site is allowing us to see into your grief and share your pain...and by doing that, you are also helping others to deal with thier grief.

    Be kind to yourself truman...you deserve it.

    truman posted Sat, 28 Apr 2012 07:45:00 GMT(4/28/2012)

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    Joined 4/3/2001

    Thanks very much, Still thinking, for showing me that perspective on sharing something like this. I hope that I can pay that debt forward in time though whatever small help I can give someone else.

    I have had a good friend staying with me for the last two days, and that has helped me. I also had an unexpected experience with some healing energy through another channel today that has given me some modicum of peace to keep going. Actually, in this space of the two weeks that have passed, a number of unexpected blessings have come to me to help me process what has happened. I don't ever want to imply that anything could be compensation for the loss of Glendon, but some light does begin to shine through spaces in the fabric of darkness around me by means of these blessings in the aftermath.

    Anne

    still thinking posted Sat, 28 Apr 2012 09:27:00 GMT(4/28/2012)

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    Joined 3/11/2011

    I'm so glad to hear things are looking a bit brighter today Anne...of course nothing could compensate for your loss...but at least you are open enough to see some light...you are doing incredibly well. Lets hope tomorrow is another peaceful day for you. I know how sorrow can come in waves....take the good days when you can, they help to give you strength and hope....but then, you know that already....

    thinking of you today Anne.

    still thinking posted Mon, 30 Apr 2012 08:54:00 GMT(4/30/2012)

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    Joined 3/11/2011

    Thinking of you today Anne....and sending you love...

    truman posted Mon, 30 Apr 2012 09:16:00 GMT(4/30/2012)

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    Joined 4/3/2001

    Thank you so much for your continuing encouragement, still thinking. It is a daily struggle. One day, I feel that I may be on the upward path, but the next, I am teary and a mess all day. On Saturday, I, my husband, and my younger son and his wife held our own private family memorial for Glendon. It was beautiful and we all felt better for having done it. Today, I have dissolved into sadness again. I am going to try to return to my teaching duties (I am a TA with a college-level first-year-composition class that meets 2 days a week) this week, with some help. I am not sure how it's going to go, but sitting home feeling sad is not going very well, I know that. I have some good friends, both online and off, both old and new, who are helping me greatly with encouragement and support and generous amounts of their time. I tend to be quick to judge myself for not making the progress through my sadness that I somehow think I should, and I think that maybe one of the lessons I will learn here is to give myself time without judgment, along with continued work to move forward. It's a tough lesson.

    still thinking posted Mon, 30 Apr 2012 09:31:00 GMT(4/30/2012)

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    Joined 3/11/2011

    On Wednesday I am collecting the remains of my miscarriage from the hospital, there is not a lot to collect, I was only six weeks pregnant...we will be having a little service on the weekend....more than likely going to our favourite beach to release some ballons.

    I understand what you mean about judging yourself for being too slow to make progress to *get over it*....I did exactly the same a few weeks ago...got home from hospital after a blood transfusion and baked my 4 year old son loads of goodies for his birthday because I thought I needed to snap out of it.....how foolish was I. I am only just starting to function properly again. Evryday I think I am better, then I wake up the next day and realise I am still in the process....

    Even though I know grief is a process....I put a lot of unreasonable demands on myself. You are reminding me to slow down and breath.

    Thank you....

    MMXIV posted Mon, 30 Apr 2012 15:56:00 GMT(4/30/2012)

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    (((Truman))) doing your teaching sounds like a good and brave step. Hope all goes well. I'm sure your students will fully appreciate the efforts you are making for them. If you do not feel able to teach on some days then so be it - like a physical injury - it will take time to function properly again and some days will be better than others.

    (((Still thinking))) I am truly sorry for you loss.

    talesin posted Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:10:00 GMT(4/30/2012)

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    Joined 6/24/2003

    Dear Truman,

    It was good to read that you are going to go back to your TA position, I am thinking of you! Perhaps allowing yourself the enjoyment of returning to work and studies will give you some moments of enjoyment in this dark time. Don't feel guilty when that happens. With all my love ...

    tal

    truman posted Tue, 01 May 2012 06:27:00 GMT(5/1/2012)

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    Joined 4/3/2001

    Thank you Talesin and MMXIV. I hope the work does something positive. I am a bit afraid of collapsing in a heap when I am confronted with a room full of 20-year-olds who think they are invulnerable. I will have help from the person who has been taking the class in my absence. Today was a reasonably even day for me, and if what has been happening is any indication, tomorrow I am due for tears. Perhaps there is instruction in that, too. The students know what happened, and the interim teacher had them do a short in-class writing to me. I am sure that I cannot read these without crying. I am starting to cry just thinking about them. I read a book today written for parents who have lost adult children, and it told me that the phases of grief should not be expected to be a straight line path. It seems like a recursive process, from what I can see; one must keep going back over the same ground of denial, anger, deep sadness, and acceptance, even as working through each new phase, circling back and around in a forwardly oriented spiral. The challenge is not to become stuck in one of those stages. The county and state where I live have victim's services which provide counseling; I am going to take advantage of the opportunity.

    Still thinking, I am so sorry to learn of your miscarriage. I have not experienced this and can only imagine the pain it has brought you. Lost futures are so heartbreakingly sad, at whatever age our children die. I don't think mothers ever "get over it." I hope your ceremony at the beach will help you and the rest of your family move toward some peace. I appreciate your comments in response to my own about the tendency to judge oneself in progress through grief--or through any of life's challenges. At one point a few days ago, I read something that said that after a child's death, you are changed permanently, a different person. I value and strive for personal growth, but that idea made me recoil. I did not want to be a different person at this cost. But I have no choice. I am different now, and it seems to be the project to discover who I am anew with this change. I hope I can be someone who brings something beautiful into the world to honor the memory of my son and the future he does not have with us. Time will tell, I guess. Right now, the sadness is too strong. I am working hard not to judge this new person I am by the standards of my old self. Maybe they needed to be changed, but gods, what a price for that.

    Anne

    still thinking posted Tue, 01 May 2012 10:18:00 GMT(5/1/2012)

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    Joined 3/11/2011

    Hi truman....seems like tomorrow will be another challenge for you...but tomorrow isn't here yet...and may not be as bad as you expect. And if it is.....well that's what it is....if you cry...you will be in a room full of people who know and understand...or will at least try to. Who knows, maybe they will learn something from you as I have....and maybe you will find another strength you didn't know you had.

    It is a spiral indeed....but a spiral has an exit point...so you are still on the right track. You are not going around in circles.

    You will cry until you have no more tears left...and that is how it is. One day, you will cry less, the next day, maybe more maybe less...but in the end...you will run out of tears...and the waves will receed. Then the tears you have you will cherish, because they will become tears of rememberance and not filled with grief and pain.

    I think the support group is a fantastic idea...just more evidence that you are so very on the right track....you are a brave woman...it takes bravery to ask for help and not suffer in silence.

    Thank you for you kind thoughts for me...I don't know why I just blurted that out....I tend to let my mind flow. If there is anything I say you don't like feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.

    SweetBabyCheezits posted Tue, 01 May 2012 15:01:00 GMT(5/1/2012)

    Post 2461 of 2503
    Joined 5/11/2010

    My heart goes out to both Anne/Truman and StillThinking. I am so sorry...

    NewChapter posted Tue, 01 May 2012 15:18:00 GMT(5/1/2012)

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    Joined 1/25/2011

    Truman, let us know how your first day back goes. I'm so sorry that this happened, and that you have to face this everyday. Be patient with yourself, we are. I think of you often, even though I don't know you in person. I simply reflect and wish I could change things.

    Still Thinking--I am sorry for your loss as well. Memorializing this loss brings you comfort so I am so happy you are doing so. When I lost mine, I went to a favorite spot in the woods, a place I had gone since I was a child, and took some time there to gather my thought, absorb the peace and heal. Don't let others push judgement on you, since this belongs to you. Sometimes people don't take lost pregnancies as seriously as others, and that can cause a lot of pain. When I was a labor assistant, we used to recommend the book Ended Beginnings. I admit I have not read it, because I was being trained by midwives to help woman deal with grief and was doing a great deal of reading from other sources so I just did not get to it, however those that have read it told me it helped them a great deal.

    NC

    wolfman85 posted Tue, 01 May 2012 20:40:00 GMT(5/1/2012)

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    Joined 6/5/2011

    I am deeply saddened by your loss. I'm a father too and the thought of going through your pain destroys me. Get a big hug to you from the bottom of my heart.

    M rocketman posted Tue, 01 May 2012 21:36:00 GMT(5/1/2012)

    Post 4098 of 3894
    Joined 12/7/2002

    I hope you can somehow find comfort during this extremely difficult time Truman.

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